Quite Depressed.

So my life is pretty much going nowhere...but I have a few friends and family members who would be quite sad if they had to attend my funeral any time soon...so I am trying to keep going for them.

Its just hard to see the point, I mean with all the issues I have I don't see how anything can improve. So I want to try and cope with the fact that things wont improve and could get worse...But I don't see how. I mean at times I am in unbearable psychological pain I cannot even describe to anyone...so I have to wonder is it worth eating, showering or getting any excercise when I have to live with that pain? I mean I can drink, smoke weed or do other drugs to decrease the symptoms or distract me with their effects...but its terrible to only be able to manage slightly content when sober if even that. I mean why does my mental state have to be so terrible even I cant stand it? I mean I am not even addicted to a drug I am rather addicted to if a drug can decrease the pain I'll take it and I feel like I can't blame myself because anyone in pain would seek relief from it. I mean to be brutally honest the first time I ever felt 'happy' was on drugs.....I hate to say it but nothing before ever gave me that euphoria.

I mean I don't 'need' alcohol or cannabis..it's a matter of those relieve the pain some...if I had something else that relieved the pain I'd do that but for the most part that is what I have aside from the very occasional vicodin. And the worst part is the majority of people don't seem to get psychological pain is just as bad if not worse than physical pain and they just want to pin it on excuses and laziness. Well not to be a jerk but If they experiance this sort of pain maybe they'd learn something.

Hello, Hellion!
This is one of the effects of depression, at least the way I experience it. I may be in more pain, I may not be in so much pain, but either way the horizon of my vision shrinks to almost nothing. This is why having a therapist or friend or other observer is helpful.
Agreed!

I know depression can make me feel like that even when it's not the case, but unfortunately have had more than one experience that seems to confirm things don't get better and will get worse I mean that just seems how my life goes over all. But yeah I have PTSD as well and that can cause a lot of depression like symptoms to, especially the everything seems pointless feeling. As well as making my anxiety worse.

I have a few friends/family members that are helpful in some ways...and I still need to scedule an appointment or something somewhere that offers services I can afford so services that don't cost anything before I'd know if I even can talk to a therapist. Hopefully I can actually have things assessed and diagnosed by an actual psychiatrist or something since therapy does not seem to really get very below the surface with me. I have gone to therapy in the past, and it was not very helpful at all, but maybe the CBT approach just doesn't work on me....I mean no matter how much I talk about it or force myself to think positively things in my life remain the same or get worse, and I feel the same. So the whole changing my thinking to change how I feel seems to stop at changing my thinking...and since it doesn't help that does not really motivate me to keep thinking positively. But I want to try and make an appointment or something, I'll see if I can today.