[DannyN]

It happens all the time I wake up crying in the middle of the night. I had a brief lift when I started therapy last week.
Now I am crying and want a drug or anything that will stop the insanity.
I want to die, but I can't, my mom, dad, daughter, and dog are very dependant on me. I do not want to hurt them anymore. Ever! They have stuck with me through all of the insanity of drugs, alcohol and hospitalizations and the eventual reality that I have a problem that cannot be solved through medication or therapy.
I know I am not giving it enough time, but I leave MISA(Mental Illness and Substance Abuse) feeling great and crash hard into depression and suicidal thoughts every night.
The only thing I know to do is to take sleeping pills and drink beer until I fall asleep.
I hide it very well from my family as I have been experiencing this since 1983, and I am not that old.
I just got out of the state hospital, started after care and I’m more messed up than I was before.
Treatment does not seem to be working, I just don’t know what to do besides over dosing and being done with life, but my guilty conscious won’t let me and I just continue to hurt everyone around me.
Thanks for any advice or words of wisdom, Dan

[Leed]

Dear Dan ~~ You JUST got out of the hospital -- you cannot say YET that therapy isn't working, because you haven't given it enough time. Therapy TAKES time -- and it usually gets worse before it gets better. You have to "dig" thru the trash from the past before you can begin to see the sunlight. That can be painful -- but you CAN do this! You MUST do this so that you can heal. Believe me, I know cause I've done the very same thing that you're doing. I went into the hospital, and then into therapy -- and it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

BUT -- you HAVE to stop drinking & drugging!!! You will NEVER get well until you do. Booze is a depressant - if you keep drinking, you'll STAY depressed!! And if you keep taking sleeping pills you'll get addicted, and that's ALL you need! Plus those can be a depressant too. Do you want to continue to be depressed for the rest of your life?

Don't even THINK about ending your life. That's a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem!!! And like you said, your family would be devastated!!! They would NEVER get over it - they would live with guilt for the rest of their lives and that's just not FAIR. They would always wonder "what else could I have done to save him?" You can't leave them with that!

Do something good for yourself, and STOP the insanity -- quit drinking and drugging, and REALLY get into therapy! Do what the therapist suggests. Get plenty of rest, eat good meals, get outside into the sunshine, take walks, do something you enjoy, i.e. a hobby. But take care of YOU. And keep posting here -- we'll listen. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[DannyN]

Thanks Lee, I'm still here after a few hours of sleep I am much better.
I know you are correct when you say the booze and the pills have to go, I have been off of illegal drugs for about ten years.
Things are better when I resist and do not drink or take pills that is a fact. But when I am in that crazy state of mind nothing can stop me. No rationality or logical thinking at all.
It's like I am on auto-pilot in these times and lose control and resort to using to stop from hurting myself.
What you said really helps though and I'll keep trying no matter what.
Dan

[day2day]

Dan,
Good to hear a bit of rest helped. I can relate to you and I want to say the best advice I got, was to get out of my own way. I don't have the answers for why I talk negative to myself or want to hurt myself, but the idea is to not get to the point that you are on auto-pilot. You need to be in the moment, take a deep breath and ya, go for a walk, play with your kid, write stuff down, dig a hole in your back yard then fill it in again. Just do something to keep busy like a hobby, other than drinking or pills. I found after I stopped drinking and passing out, I liked to taste other things to drink. Lemonade, soda, juices, iced drinks, and Ice water.
Find something you like to do, and get your mind to think of that. I have a meditation CD by my bed and when I wake up, I put it on.
I write down stuff to go over with my t, when they come up. It will all work, just give it time. And we are all hear to listen and help eachother.