[Shadow-world]

I know I have said this or something similar before but I just feel I need to voice my feelings about this again even if I repeat myself and seem not to have moved on.
I'm hurting so much when my friends and acquaintances tell me how great and unforgettable pregnancy and childbirth are and I just can't properly accept my childless situation without a hope of changing that any more.

I try to focus on the things I have, but sometimes I'm feeling so down and panicky about it that I don't see much of a point in all the other things I have.
Will it always be like this? Will there always be this void, this feeling of loss for something never experienced and never had? Is it worth continuing if this will be the case?

[Gently1]

I am sorry you are hurting so much.

I understand the pain of knowing that which you did not get to experience or have. It is a very real pain.

And yes it is worth continuing.

If you do not have a therapist, this is a good time find skillful support to help you work through the questions.

G

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( shadow world )))))))))))))))

[Rose76]

I'm sorry for the sad way you feel. I am childless, too. I don't think we ever outlive the wondering of what it might have been like. I know a few childless women who are having lives that seem to have their share of joy. Like you, I struggle with depression. I wonder how having a child might have affected me and maybe changed my emotional life. Then, again, I know women with children who are very unhappy. Children can bring great struggle into one's life.

Shadow, I think you and I need to love and be loved. I think that, when we have that, we have what matters most. I'm sorry if you really desired a child and were unable to fulfill that want. You don't have to move on. I think it is okay for you to always have that place of unfulfilled yearning in your heart. Also, I think it is okay for you to express that you have that, and that it brings you sadness. Mainly, I hope you find somewhere to experience warmth. I hope I find it, too. Sometimes I've been there, and sometimes I've been away - and it hurts when you are away from the warmth you need.

[Shadow-world]

Thank you, Rose.

I think I just want the pain to mellow a bit and accept the situation more.
I am doing a mindfulness meditation course at the moment and find it extremely difficult to let myself into it, but awareness and mindfulness should bring acceptance with them so I persevere.

I agree that it's possibly most important for us (apart from meaningful work and activities) to be loved and to love someone else. I think you have mentioned a few times that you have someone, but it sounded as if your relationship brings its own difficulties with it and your partner does not always show an understanding of your condition and feelings.

Yes, I hope to find such love. You can't really force it. I tried this earlier this year with someone but realised that my feelings weren't what I wanted / hoped them to be so it felt right not to pursue it.

Let us not give up hope. Love can be beautiful I guess, it just seems very elusive in my life. But our lives haven't ended yet. Certain options aren't open to us any longer, but love can be found at any age, I guess. Well, I hope so at least. That's what I'm trying to make myself believe and what I hope is true.

[likewater]

Shadow,i have that pain. It eases a bit because i have nephews,a Godson,and even alters that are children. Still it's not the same. I
dont care about being preggers though. My body is so physically weak, i dont know if i could handle it.that's what makesme sad and mybfriend doesnt want kids ormarriage. It's a very lonely achey deep pain. Hugs.

[likewater]

Oh and you are RIGHT love can be found at any age

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by Shadow-world

Will it always be like this? Will there always be this void, this feeling of loss for something never experienced and never had? Is it worth continuing if this will be the case?

Dear Shadow-world, I'm not sure if this will fill that void or even if it is something you might want to do, but have you considered volunteering with children?

[Rose76]

I am hoping, eventually, to do what TerryL suggested above.

I really enjoyed my nieces and nephews when they were growing up, and they enjoyed me. But now they are grown, and I'm no longer living close enough to enjoy my grandnephews and grandnieces, as I would like to. I liked school and always wanted to teach, so I am thinking about tutoring.

Also, there is a lot to be said for the warmth of good friendship. I wish I had invested more in that when I was younger.