[geekgirl]

I'm going to be soon involved in a court action against my ex for contempt of court orders to pay child support. He's in arrears by almost $2000.

I have a very hard time dealing with conflict with him. He's pretty much looney tunes... midlife crisis and addictions. He's gone so far as to cut his kids out of his life and his own parents.

I have a sneaky feeling this is going to get ugly. He'll try to punch some of my buttons by trying to blame me for this divorce, blame me because I have "custody" so I should be the financially responsible parent, anytning and everything he can say or do to make me into the villian. It'll upset me and I'll start crying. Then I'll start arguing with him.

Anyone got any hints on how to just be immune to this stuff? I have to do this, I need the money desparately. He's being a deadbeat parent, and I know I'm going to have to chase him to make him pay up. I'm dreading this, and I don't want it to pull me back down. I've struggled a lot to pull myself up and am in a place where at least I'm not unhappy... not really happy, but at least comfortable and adjusting ok after a bad divorce and being able to start concentrating again and sleep again.

[dexter]

Wishing you best of luck with this, keep your strength!

1) Let your lawyer know about your anxiety, maybe he can help "insulate" you as much as possible.

2) Hopefully most of his "argument" will get immediately crushed, but at least the discussion should be directed at the judge rather than at you. In court, you are there to present arguments to the judge, not to argue with each other. If he tries to talk to you hopefully the judge will shut him down immediately. If he does try getting to you, don't take the bait Don't argue back with him, don't talk to him. If you get upset see if you can whisper your objections to your lawyer so you can get them off your chest without contributing to the scene in the courtroom. If you become involved in an argument this will anger the judge. If you stay silent while he rants it will just make him look bad.

3) Remember that any accusations as to who's fault caused the divorce, is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. The court in the divorce awarded YOU custody, and gave HIM the liability of child support. He legally has to pay child support. He can't come up with excuses "after the fact". The judge doesn't want to hear any of that nonsense. If he has addictions there is little chance of changing the custody arrangement, and even if there was, THAT WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE $2000 HE IS IN ARREARS, HE STILL OWES THAT, and this is the only issue in front of the court at this time.

4) Finally, keep in mind the fact that this really has nothing to do with you, it is for the sake of your child. Anything personal he slings at you, you have to do your best to let slide off of you, because bottom line you are there not to prove or defend anything with regard to your divorce, only to get him to pay the money he LEGALLY OWES (and morally and ethically owes) to help raise your child in a healthy and secure environment.

I hope this isn't too hard. Hopefully keeping some of these things in mind will help you to get through difficult periods. I want to say again to let the lawyer know how you feel and your situation (including the depression IF you trust him and if you think he will understand its significance and if it won't be an issue in court). This will certainly not be new to him and he may have advice for you out of his experience, and may also be able to help deflect a little if he knows this is an issue for you.

And keep posting here. We'll help keep you in touch with your inner strength that depression often makes us disbelieve that we have.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[SeptemberMorn]

Hi I don't know what state you live in, but I would imagine it's the same way in every state. Once you have a lawyer, the opposing party can't make direct contact with you. They have to go through your lawyer.

When my ex was trying to change visitation rights, I found this out. He'd try calling me to intimidate me. My attorney advised me to tell him "Talk to my attorney" and then hang up on him. I think it was Dexter that told you "Don't take the bait." He's very right! Don't listen to a single word your ex says to you. You already know it's going to be lies. Don't listen! If he tries it in court, the judge will tell him to "Sit down and shut up!" LOL If your ex doesn't, he'll be making an *** out of himself and it will go against him. Show everyone, including yourself, that his behavior is beneath you and don't buy into it. Stick your nose in the air and ignore him. Let the attorneys and the judge take care of him. hehehe

No doubt, you have a lot of anger built up toward you ex. Use it in a good way by focusing on your behavior and make it exemplary!

Lastly, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but if you carry through, you'll be driving him NUTZ at the same time.



"For unto us a Son is given..."

[dexter]

Here is a practical trick to help as well.

The advice here can help keep your mind calm if and when he tries to "bait" you. But if you get flustered you may not be able to keep all of our good advice in your head...

SO:

Find yourself a small object. Either something that has some meaning, or something that you purchase or find to assign some new meaning to. Something like those "worry stones" that they used to sell. I carry a small smooth stone I got in a souvenir shop somewhere. Or sometimes I carry a tiny wooden box with a message inside that a special friend gave me. It could be anything, a pen cap, a subway token, a crystal if you enjoy benefit from those, whatever.

Assign our "advice" to this object, and take it to court with you, keep it in your pocket or in your hand. Touch and rub it when you need to find your inner strength.

It is well known that having something in your hands helps you feel more secure and calm (I used to have tremendous "stage fright" whenever I had to do public speaking, until I learned to carry a pen in my hand. People think it is there for me to jot notes but for me it gives me a sense of security and confidence, it is like magic!)

This can calm you down and help you remember those tips and advice that you will need to cope, since you have "assigned" them to the object.

I'd type or write a list of those tips as well to keep in my pocket, not necessarily to refer to but just as a "crib" sheet if necessary.

One thing for this instance though, given the state of security these days, if you want to choose a smooth stone as your object make sure that they will let you bring it into court. I don't know if they might think you have a rock to throw at the judge or something! If that will be a problem, choose something that won't cause any problems with security. A pen cap would certainly be fine, or special keyring or something.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[geekgirl]

Hi SeptemberMorn!

Here I don't need an attorney. The state pursues it as a contempt of court charge for refusal to follow a court order. Lucky for me... I can't afford another attorney. Throughout this divorce, I've had so far FOUR court matters to deal with. It's been messy as h#ll.

I'm just tired of it!!

You're right... lots of anger here. I guess I'm still scratching my head figuring it all out, too. The guy just went off the deep end, and I ended up paying for a lot of his bad decisions.

Actually, he is nuts LOL. Maybe some of this will slap in into being sane?

[geekgirl]

Thanks Dexter for all of the suggestions.

The county prosecutor is handling all of this, representing the state. So, that's good in a lot of ways... I don't have to do too much here. I don't know if I need to appear in court. I do know he will.

I think though what you've got to suggest is good advice. I have to keep finding ways to remind myself that this has nothing at all to do with me. I know I need to rebuild my inner strength.
So, I guess I just anticipate a lot of bad gunk happening. All antagonistic, all costly, all time consuming.

I think to insulate myself I just need to remind myself that if and when he yanks his head out of his cave that this is HIS Problem, I don't need to respond. It's really difficult for me to deal with someone with addictions, especially someone I was married to and is the father of my kids.

[yellowrose]

My perspective is, the court hearing is happening because he is not being responsible for his children financially. It is NOT about you at all. Just remember that. It is about HIM not supporting his kids. Keep the focus where it belongs and have your lawyer REDIRECT attacks on you back onto him where the attention should be.
HUGS!
yellowrose

[geekgirl]

Thanks Yellowrose.

I know this is not about me. This guy is pretty much lost, and he's now using my address as his I found out. i got a notice in the mail from his bank that is a repo notice for his car! So, I calmly called the bank and informed them that they had the wrong address and they explained to me he would have had to provide that address himself, in person or in writing. Well, they verified that the account did not have me as a co-signer and asked me if I had contact information for him. I gave them what I knew (an address and a couple of phone numbers).

This is really hard for me. I'm working through a lot of issues on my own... the loss of a marriage, the "death" of someone I loved, even though he's not really dead, he's not the person he once was, and a lot financial issues as well as working through all of the emotional side affects of all of this.

The child support issues and his strange behavior just make it harder to recover.