[ohmcgee]

Maybe I'm not depressed at all. Maybe I am just a lazy, cynical, negative, shy, introverted home-body who hates people. Maybe that's just me and you can't change who you are. None of my meds have "worked," whatever that feels like. I've felt the same way every since I can remember: unhappy. Unhappy with my life, with myself, with my relationship, etc.

I hate therapy. It feels pointless. Although everything does lately. Swallowing three pills and I stay the same person? Pointless. Getting out of the house and being around people? Pointless.

If I'm just going to be this same useless, empty person then I'm sure I could do that WITHOUT the $80 worth of prescriptions every month.

But how do you know? Where do you draw the line between depression/anxiety and just plain laziness or procrastination or a simple dislike of a certain activity? Maybe I'll NEVER want to be in groups of people. Maybe I'll never want to get a job. Maybe I'll always hate doing mundane chores like laundry and dinner and eating. Maybe I will forever analyze everything to death until it keeps me up at night so that I can't sleep.

Maybe there really isn't anything wrong with me and that's why the meds don't work, because its just who I am and you can't change who you are.

I just need someone to tell me that so I can finally throw in the towel and quit holding on to false hopes. I just need something.

((((Ohm)))) have you spoken with your md/pdoc about the meds and that they are not helping? Have you spoken with your T and expressed to him/her that the time together is not helping? That you feel you aren't progressing?

Have you been able to speak with your T about all the things you have shared here? It is important. You...are important.

Your concerns, thoughts, feelings are certainly valid. Especially if you have never felt any sort of relief. Can you recall a time...any time at all... where you did feel a little ok? A time where you did feel the fog of depression lifting? Felt hopeful about any thing - big or small?

You know...I hear you. Perhaps you aren't meant to live "The Dream" that we have been spoon-fed practically since birth! Perhaps you are meant to march to the beat of another (your own ) drummer!

But even with that reality, you shouldnt have to suffer. Or feel doomed or hopeless. There is actually freedom and liberation in accepting who you are and embracing that. Honoring you.

I urge you to pursue this train of thought with your team. It can only help you...the only way to really get to your truth is to be completely open and honest and meet it head on!

I hope you will give it a go and continue to post and let us know how you are doing.

Kind regards,
Rose

[ohmcgee]

Rose, thanks for your response. This all came out because I just saw my pdoc today and she changed my meds again, since prozac+wellbutrin seemed to not be doing anything for me, she decided to add something else. (Depakote) So now I'm taking 3 pills a day, and now I have to get blood work done because of the Depakote, AND its expensive, and what if it doesn't change anything? What if I stay the same sad, cynical, lonely person?

My therapist - I have decided I just don't like her...style? And I think I'm going to look for a new one, but it causes so much anxiety and guilt in me to think about telling her that I'm going to see a new therapist. I HAVE talked with her about all the things I've said here, and much much more, and basically all she ever has to say is "...and this all stems from the love you didn't get as a child." Yeah thanks, tell me something I don't know.

Again, thank you for your comments. It means a lot just to be acknowledged.

[Rohag]

Hello, Ohmcgee!

Originally Posted by ohmcgee

Maybe I'm not depressed at all.

Anything is possible, but, from the information in your posts, your depression diagnosis rests on firm foundations. Depression may not be the full story, however. Have you had full physical/blood workups?

Originally Posted by ohmcgee

And I live right next door to them, so its a constant trigger.

I'm not sure there's any drug or combination of drugs that can overcome that!

Originally Posted by ohmcgee

...I just saw my pdoc today and she changed my meds again, since prozac+wellbutrin seemed to not be doing anything for me, she decided to add something else. (Depakote)

Depakote grabs my attention. I understand there are legitimate psychiatric uses for Depakote, but it's normally prescribed for neurological issues. Based on personal experience, I would be careful with any long-term use of this medication. You'll need to watch your liver enzymes carefully, and -- according to my neurologists -- 'people gain weight on Depakote all the time.' Depakote can help you, and it's something to monitor.

[irishpackerfan]

what it could be is just being apathtetic because of your depression. I can relate it might seem like everyone and everything is just ****** and that could be being too cynical of things. All i think you need to do is try many diffrent things try diffrent activities try new friends and even try new friends. Odds are your going to like SOMETHING because its not our human nature to hate EVERYTHING.

I'm sorry i cant tell you anything about the pills because i never had to take anti-depressants but i think im going to need them eventually. And as far as therapy you gotta be with someone your comfortable with