[Flutterpie]

Hello to all,

I am new here so I am going to try to give this a whirl. This might be a little lengthy so sit back and grab some popcorn and soda.

To give you all a little background, I am a 27 year old female who has been depressed for quite a while. I've been in therapy for as long as I could remember and off and on meds since about high school.

Currently I am off my meds and not able to see my psychiatrist and psychologist due to my job's health insurance being awful...which is a big part of my problem.

Now I don't want to seem like I am complaining here about having a job when so many other people don't have one and I am lucky to have a job...but the job I do is so severely detrimental to my mental well-being that it is causing me all sorts of issues including physical issues.

I work for a call center for a certain office supply store's rewards program, I get calls all day about people complaining about their fake money. For all intents and purposes...we are the complaint line so I get upset people all day calling in and making me feel like I am an absolute failure at life.

My friend got me the job and I thought that it would be a good step in the door to a company so I could move up after I worked my year at the department I was in and could then hopefully put my Bachelor's Degree in Graphic Design to some use. Not working out that way unfortunately.

So now I am stuck in this absolutely horrid job which is just part of why I am so depressed. Every morning I wake up feeling physically and mentally awful to the point where I experience throwing up and diarrhea...every morning. I just feel like I cant escape because I have to work to make money to pay my bills.

Trust me, I've been looking for jobs. I've been on a couple of interviews but they haven't panned out, I've been sending my resume everywhere but no response back. When I'm looking at the qualifications for jobs I do not meet them because in addition to needing a bachelor's in my field...I ALSO apparently need a degree in web design too. I wish I knew that when I was in college and now I am paying for a completely useless degree! This makes me feel awful!

So in addition to the training I don't have, my resume is lackluster and of no use to anyone. I know I know...not everyone gets to be an Astronaut when they grow up but everyone tells you, "Oh, go to college! You'll get a good job!" Well that was either a lie or I am just not doing something right or that was relevant 20 years ago...

I just don't know what to do. A lot of this stems from rejection.

For more background info, my mother had me when she was 20 (single mom)...way too young to be having a child at least in my opinion. So as I was growing up, I came to realize that I was a bother to my mother and family. My mom would have to work multiple jobs to take care of me so while she was doing that, the rest of my family would take care of me. My grandfather was really the only one who I didn't feel like I was a burden on but whenever it came time for me to go back to my mom, she would always make me go to my room to not bother her.

So, I wouldn't see my mother the whole day into the night and then when I did see her, I was just a bother and sent to my room. Now I understand that she was doing all she could to support me even though she had no choice, but when you don't emotionally care for your child that does have a lasting impact.

I know that it's hard being a single mother and she did everything she could for me but when I feel like I was unwanted and unplanned, which I was, that can really get to a person.

I had to do a lot of growing up when I should have just been being a kid. I saw my mom trying to date people...which always failed because when the guy realized that she already had a kid, that was the line. So I ruined my mother's social life and her chances at happiness.

When I was in middle school I believe, she met her current husband who is my stepdad. He's a nice guy and all but I never really considered him my father...I just never could because he came too far along in the game that he missed the chance for me to consider him a dad.

And now to the daddy and male issues...

Born to a single mother, I do not know who my biological dad is because she never told me or anyone in my family apparently. If you were a good guy, wouldn't you take responsibility for your actions? Especially one as big as getting a girl knocked up. The fact that I never knew him and that he never made any attempt to know me has severely made me distrust men.

I've had a few boyfriends to try to fill the hole left by no father figure and that didn't work out either. My last relationship was 4 years, ended 2 years ago and I'm still reeling emotionally from it.

I just feel like no one wants me. Everyone always says that I'm a good person, a person worth knowing but how can I possibly believe that when I have had so many things in my life that happened to prove the opposite of that?

To make a long story short, I'm not happy with my life, I can't make myself happy, my friends are trying their hardest but that isn't working either. I am holding onto the last fraying thread of my sanity before I feel life I might do something stupid.

I wish I could have just not existed in the first place. I was a mistake, I don't belong here, everything is meaningless.

Sorry to be such a downer but I just don't know where to turn to anymore.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Flutterpie!

Originally Posted by Flutterpie

...when you don't emotionally care for your child that does have a lasting impact.

Yes, you are all too correct.

Originally Posted by Flutterpie

...the job I do is so severely detrimental to my mental well-being that it is causing me all sorts of issues including physical issues. ... Every morning I wake up feeling physically and mentally awful to the point where I experience throwing up and diarrhea...every morning.

As an individual suffering from depression, is it possible this particular job is more harm than benefit, particularly when you take the long view? Perhaps you've already considered this, but with a bachelor's degree it might take you relatively little time to obtain an associate's degree in web design. You might also be able to get part-time work at the institution where you would study. (And you could also use their counseling center.) In any event, I think you already know that you cannot safely continue down your current path.

Originally Posted by Flutterpie

Sorry to be such a downer....

Go ahead, be a "downer." The discussion and thought you generate may help you and and unknown number of others.

[Leed]

First, let me tell you that you are NOT a "mistake." No one in God's world is a mistake! You were put here for a reason and while you may not know what that reason IS yet, you will find out.

I personally know how it feels to never have the emotional or physical attachment to your mother (or father). I had 3 sisters, and all of us were just "there." We were like furniture to our parents -- just something in the room. We got NO love at all. Nothing. So I can relate to the problems it causes in adulthood.

Is there such a thing as taking an online study for web design? I'm not savvy in such things, but since you can take almost anything else online, I'm just wondering if that would be posslble too? It's worth looking into. At least you would have the knowledge, even if it's not from an Ivy League college!

You're not being a "downer" -- this is the place to come with problems like this. That's why we're all here! I wish you the very best. Let us know what happens. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[ktbelle373]

You are NOT meaningless, your an important person on this earth. you have so much meaning and purpose in life even if you dont know what they are yet. i totaly understand why you feel the way you do, you had a really hard time growing up, things like bieng an unwanted child will really stick with you. but you should start trying to belive what the poeple in your life say about you, that your a good person. you deserve to have a happy life. i know your not happy now, but nothing in life happens by accident, we are where we are for a reason. I'm suffering from a lose in my life and right now i dont know why i have to feel so sad and alone but i guess all we can do on this earth is just to try our best to keep moving forward, and it sounds like your doing that. you should be proud of yourself, some poeple with depression cant get out of bed, and look at you, your getting up and working day after day even though you cant stand your job. your so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. i wish you all the best, take care.

[ktbelle373]

also, i was feeling really down and hearing your story and your strength picked me up a bit, <-- just alittle reason out of the many many huge reasons why your meant to be here.