Self-esteem and self-acceptance are absolutely puzzling to me because what everyone says seems mostly idealistic, irrational, and confusing, almost like socializing and social rules. It'd be wonderful to feel better about who I am, but it honestly seems like a hopeless endeavor, one I will never achieve, because there is nothing to feel good about, and whenever someone here, for example, says otherwise, it leaves me thinking what the heck that person is talking about.

Suffice it to say whenever I hear these cliche phrases like 'loving myself' it confuses me because a) I don't know what they're talking about, and, more importantly, b) I don't know how to do it.

When I think of what I hate most about who I am and how I am supposed to love myself, it leads me wondering how I am supposed to love those things about me or even accept them.

School has always been a hot subject for me. Thinking about my school career, I basically failed all of elementary and middle school, and when I did 'better' in high school, I was mostly in remedial classes, which I feel negates that improvement, since it was relative to my past and the drug dealing students, some of whom were wearing ankle bracelets and had been to jail. School is a long, painful failure for me that has been sitting on my shoulders for years, but I am supposed to love that about me, accept it, and feel confident? How do I love being a failure? I failed in school but I love myself anyway? You see, that doesn't work for me. Can someone explain to me how to not feel suicidal about having failed in school and learn to be a confident failure? Sounds likes an oxymoron.

That's sums it up for me - I am told to love and accept myself but there is all this failure, ugliness, and bad in me that I don't know how to accept and love. Someone might say to think of my incredibly few positive traits, and while they might exist, they're certainly insufficient to counter all the bad in me, and they don't even slightly improve how I feel about myself. I could tell myself all day that I am honest, thoughtful, compassionate, etc., all things I believe, but those don't make me feel any less suicidal nor do they reduce the desire to self-harm. Writing out the few positive qualities I have is a pointless exercise for me - I've done it. Does nothing. It's sugar coating self-hatred.

I wish I wasn't me. I hate me. I wish I was someone like my best friend. She's incredible.

[Marla500]

Mr V, we really do love you the way you are. why? because we hurt like you do so we know what you are feeling. please try to have the same compassion for yourself that you would have for someone else. there are so many people in this world that are successful despite having not fit in at school. school can be a strange place. it works for some people but not for all. the people that are successful there are not always good people or even successful once they are out. is it possible for you not to find a place where you can get involved with people that need your help with something? is there an area where you could volunteer? you are an interesting person, you have knowledge of geography, and invertebrates, and no doubt other things too. your wonderful best friend would not love you if you weren't also special. try to be kind to yourself Mr V

[Leed]

For someone who was a "failure" in school, you are INCREDIBLY well=spoken!! Someone in school got thru to you that grammar was extremely important on the "outside." While I'm not perfect in grammar, I am quite critical of grammar, and I find you to be a JOY to read, as you know how to use the English language and teachers DO NOT teach grammar these days! I could SCREAM when I see someone say "I seen this" or "This is there cat." How about "There all going to the fair." Doesn't that just want to make you scream?? But you KNOW the English language and it's really a pleasure to read something of yours. So you certainly DID pick up something in school !!! Your English teacher needs a bouquet of roses!

Now -- we love ourselves NOT because of the fact that we went to elementary school and passed, or went to Jr. & Sr. High school and passed. It's not because we went to college and graduated. We love ourselves because who we are on the INSIDE. We can't get that from college, or high school, or elementary school !!! well, maybe a little of it, but we basically get it from home and the people around us as we're growing up.

You need to forget your education or lack thereof. That doesn't matter. What matters is the kind of person you are on the inside. It's hard to self-examine because we feel like we're boasting but we're NOT. We have to REALLY look at ourselves realistically. Who ARE we? What's good about us? What's bad about us? Try to be FAIR about it, even if you feel you're boasting!

[lynn P.]

Mr Venonmous - this is the 2nd time I've written this - I don't know why there's a delete button near the backspace bar. I was near the end of my post and poof it disappeared.

I think you struggle because of a few things: 1. you suffered a very abusive childhood at the hands of your father, therefore its hard to love yourself when you weren't shown love. 2. you struggled in school because they failed to diagnose your learning challenges and you were punished at home for not doing well. A child can't learn under those conditions. 3. your diagnosis might be making it hard for you - with Aspergers, you're a logical thinker.

Let me ask you this and it might help - why do you think your best friend likes you?? Obviously she doesn't waste her time on bad people...right? Even though I'm old enough to be your mom - I like you and enjoy talking to you and many here like you. There isn't anyone on this earth who's perfect - we all have good and negative qualities. You even said, you're extremely intelligent in some areas - hardly anyone can come close to debating politics with you

I believe there's a partner out there for everyone. As my mother would say, "there's a cover for every pot". I've seen your photo and I don't agree you're unattractive - I've also seen many unattractive people with partners. Try not to worry about whether people like you. Confidence also will improve as you get a bit older. I hope you feel better and try to think badly of yourself.

Admittedly, Leed, I learned little in school, and I absolutely learned little grammar there; English was among the worst subjects for me with some of my lowest academic performance. How did I learn my writing and English abilities? I learned what I know by communicating almost entirely through writing and the Internet, not verbally, which I find much harder, and by reading dozens of nonfiction books and keeping an electronic dictionary and thesaurus nearby to learn the words and writing as I read the books. I wasn't taught this in school.

It's not an exaggeration when I say almost all of what I know I am self-taught in, including politics, maps, computers, photography, chess, writing, and how to hold a pencil. All this is obvious to others IRL due to the erratic learning curve being self-taught creates. For example…

I received a 102% - the highest grade I've ever received - on a mathematics exam and was ahead of the class in parabolic and quadratic equations, but I can't do basic multiplication, division, or such mundane tasks as finding the percentage of something.

I don't know how to sign my own name - it's true. People look at my writing and they're appalled by it. I can't write well because I have difficulties holding a writing utensil, which I also taught myself, and that is obvious because I hold utensils in a way nobody I know has ever seen before.

Although I went through several years of speech therapy, I continue to struggle to pronounce many words, but what words I have mastered since then I've learned through making a computer speak it until I figured it out. Used to do this a lot in high school with the assistance of my then girlfriend whom taught me to say the word "specialty" and others.

Many of the teachers I have had in school do not deserve a bouquet of roses. Some of them were almost charged with abuse against me and I've had restraining orders filed against others.

Lynn, in case such an accident happens again, you can always use the "undo" option that will undo the last action you made. Or a much simpler trick is to compose a reply in a word application like I do. On my Mac, whatever I type is automatically saved, so I never have to fear the loss of power in a storm or any technical issues and losing everything I typed.

My best friend has said these things about me: “I think you're honest, loyal, kind, loving, understanding, accepting, trustworthy, and incredibly thoughtful.”

I want to feel good enough but all I see are the ways in which I fall short.

[Trippin2.0]

Wow Mr V, if I was so superbly self-taught my ego would be the size of China! I really do enjoy interacting with you, and admire how you've conquered such adversity. Wish I could teach you self-love, but alas Idk how to. How do you feel about consulting a T about this?

[whimsygirl]

Hello Mr. Venomous....So sorry about all your hurt. It sounds like you're a very wounded soul. With different details, I have felt some of the feelings you're talking about here. Just a few thoughts. Maybe I missed it, but do you work with a therapist? It just sounds like you've got a tremendous amount of pain from the past to untangle, and you certainly deserve ~need (?) some help with all of it. And also, when I read your post what really hits me over the head is that "this is someone who is seeing things through the eyes of depression." And as so many of us know, depression has no scruples, no rules, no concern for anyone. Such a sad thing, but it's just a fact. And lastly, how wonderful that you have a best friend....and on top of that she's incredible! That goes straight to my heart, as I was just "deleted" by the person who I thought was my bff, and am in a world of pain and sadness. But you have an incredible best friend! What a blessing that is....which goes right back to my point....because you are seeing things through the eyes of this cruel demon, perhaps you are not even able to see that (in at least in one way), you have solid proof that you are a person worthy of being cared about. Well, whether any of this feels at all true to you, or not....I send warm wishes and hopes that some comfort comes your way as soon as possible.