[Hellion]

I am no good for anyone...and I feel I am pushing people away because of it. I feel like I only burden others, and that they should not have any sympathy or be sad for me because I hate myself and am convinced my life will probably continue going downhill....so why should they bother? Also I keep being stupid about hooking up with guys and then things get intimate and then once that results in anything I just feel awkward...then I feel bad because it probably gives them the wrong idea when there is no way I can really commit to a relationship(it would just be too much with all my psychological issues, and most guys seem to want to jump into a more serious relationship too quick as well before they really even know who I am).

I mean I am just the type of person who probably causes more problems for people than I'm worth and its only been getting worse as an adult.

I am not contemplating suicide or anything right now, but I don't even understand myself at times...like what the hell I am even doing and I guess I am pretty down on myself partially because of how depressed I am.

[missbelle]

This is totally your depression talking.......thats what depression says..to all of us.......what your feeling is the classic symptom of your illness. When your depression lifts, and it eventually will with help, and meds, you will not be feeling or writing that stuff. Its not you. Its not the world. Its not other people. Its the talk of depression and you are hearing it loud and clear!

I hope you feel better and are getting some help from these terrible feeling!

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by missbelle

This is totally your depression talking.......thats what depression says..to all of us.......what your feeling is the classic symptom of your illness. When your depression lifts, and it eventually will with help, and meds, you will not be feeling or writing that stuff. Its not you. Its not the world. Its not other people. Its the talk of depression and you are hearing it loud and clear!

I hope you feel better and are getting some help from these terrible feeling!

Well you see thing is I don't have much to fall back on.....I mean its not like I just think I am failing at life, I actually am and I am not really doing much that helps anyone not to mention I'm broke so I have to bum food, money and stuff like that from everyone without giving anything back in return. I have been in therapy and it didn't really make any difference.

I don't know I never have had my depression lift in all my life that I can remember, I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember...so I am a bit skeptical that I will feel better over-all, and SSRI anti-depressants' make me feel worse. Trying to get some psychological help though I am just not very confident it will make much difference.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by missbelle

This is totally your depression talking.......thats what depression says..to all of us.......what your feeling is the classic symptom of your illness. When your depression lifts, and it eventually will with help, and meds, you will not be feeling or writing that stuff. Its not you. Its not the world. Its not other people. Its the talk of depression and you are hearing it loud and clear!

I hope you feel better and are getting some help from these terrible feeling!

Amen to all you said missbelle....thank you

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Hellion

I am no good for anyone...and I feel I am pushing people away because of it. I feel like I only burden others, and that they should not have any sympathy or be sad for me because I hate myself and am convinced my life will probably continue going downhill....so why should they bother? Also I keep being stupid about hooking up with guys and then things get intimate and then once that results in anything I just feel awkward...then I feel bad because it probably gives them the wrong idea when there is no way I can really commit to a relationship(it would just be too much with all my psychological issues, and most guys seem to want to jump into a more serious relationship too quick as well before they really even know who I am).

I mean I am just the type of person who probably causes more problems for people than I'm worth and its only been getting worse as an adult.

I am not contemplating suicide or anything right now, but I don't even understand myself at times...like what the hell I am even doing and I guess I am pretty down on myself partially because of how depressed I am.

Heart goes out to you Hellion....and a big "ditto" to every thought perfectly expressed by missbelle The demon knows no boundaries, and can be oh-so-cruel in what he says....and makes you believe. Are you in therapy?? if not I gently urge you to look into it, as it seems your sweet soul has been rather badly wounded....

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Hellion

Well you see thing is I don't have much to fall back on.....I mean its not like I just think I am failing at life, I actually am and I am not really doing much that helps anyone not to mention I'm broke so I have to bum food, money and stuff like that from everyone without giving anything back in return. I have been in therapy and it didn't really make any difference.

I don't know I never have had my depression lift in all my life that I can remember, I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember...so I am a bit skeptical that I will feel better over-all, and SSRI anti-depressants' make me feel worse. Trying to get some psychological help though I am just not very confident it will make much difference.

I know it can be frustrating, but finding the right therapist ~the one who might be able to help you, is not always easy. Oh my goodness but I know this from experience! If you have only tried with one person, I pray that you will not give up on the concept, and if not now, then some day choose to give it another chance....

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Heart goes out to you Hellion....and a big "ditto" to every thought perfectly expressed by missbelle The demon knows no boundaries, and can be oh-so-cruel in what he says....and makes you believe. Are you in therapy?? if not I gently urge you to look into it, as it seems your sweet soul has been rather badly wounded....

Well I went to the local mental health center and so I will give their programs a try..I have to find out more about it on wednesday though. So I probably will have therapy of some sort...but in the past it never made much difference.

I will be giving it a try though...mostly though because I need to try and get a diagnoses to apply for SSI or maybe they can prescribe me something that will keep me from freaking out in a work place so I can give working a try.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

I know it can be frustrating, but finding the right therapist ~the one who might be able to help you, is not always easy. Oh my goodness but I know this from experience! If you have only tried with one person, I pray that you will not give up on the concept, and if not now, then some day choose to give it another chance....

With no income I only have some options, so far the local mental health center thing offers a sliding scale fee...my mom said she'd pay for the appointments and such so I'll see if that is any help. But yeah there is no grantee I will get a good therapist if I cannot afford it.

But other then that I will probably get frusterated and stop going if i get the impression they cannot actually help with an official diagnoses and possibly getting on SSI. I mean I cannot talk my way out of no income to a therapist...and I have not only tried with one person I've tried at least 3 times ever since I attempted suicide when I was 15. But then I don't even want to care about money like that.....its just a matter of I kind of need it to get out of the house once in a while, provide gas money to friends in family if they give me a ride or just have bus money so I can get places without having to ask for rides and well if I want to actually move out (rather than just packing a back pack and going homeless because I feel bad about burdening my family and am afraid of them seeing me at my worst), I'd need it to help with rent and living costs somewhere.

[Hellion]

I don't want to bother people with another thread.....but today I am even more convinced of how I describe feeling. I make everything worse I mean hell my mom and her boyfriend were arguing and I just had to give my input which probably only made it worse. Uhh I should just avoid people so I don't cause them any more trouble then they already have to deal with.