Space Cadet

Has anyone heard the expression? I'm so spaced out right now, it suits me perfectly.

(Is it even possible to be so depressed you're not connected to the world around you? I swear everything is fuzzy and its so hard to concentrate right now)


I know I'm whining, but here it goes... (if any of you saw my post in SI, then this is probably just me rehashing stuff again)

Too much crap going on and I feel like I'm drowning... which is strange, because I could have sworn I was in a better mood a week ago. My mood goes up and down and up and down...

*pulls out hair* I am so tempted to continue, but then I'll go bald... not good.

Okay, Tuesday I had an exam. It was great, my last one for this semester. I get home, still pleased as punch to an email. Which basically says my aunt (who has lung cancer, had the operation, and is on chemo/radiation) had a heartattack and is on a respirator.

I don't want to lose her... I've never had to go to a funeral. I know I'm a bad cousin and neice for not visiting my family... but they live provinces away. I know this. So this is all fine and dandy. I get told countless times by well-meaning people that Gods plan doesn't always make sense. I DID NOT want to hear that within 2 hours of finding this out &$+(@@()$! I just want to be left alone, and for people to stop dumping their problems in my lap. I can't deal with my own *$&$@($&@(^ @^$@ What makes anyone think I'm nice to talk to, and always have solutions to their problems?

This is just about the point where crawling into bed and never ever getting out seemed like a really appealing option. But can't do that, have to be there for my father (its his sister) and my two sisters.

Grrrrr.

So I survived that hurdle just to find out the next day (Wednesday, yesterday) that my aunt will probably not be coming off the respirator, not coming out of hospital... and consequently, probably dying really soon. And my grandmother (bless her heart) doesn't take medical info well, so I was told she might die as a result of the stress. I am $@*($^!^# not amused.

So last night was a write off, I wanted so much to cry scream... do ANYTHING to make the pain stop, but all I did was sit quietly. (And my roomate - who's in the hospital now for 3 weeks - her mom came to clean up the apartment, so of COURSE I had to entertain and be hospitable. ) So Christina gets to play host, be happy and nice when all I wanted to do was be alone, sit in my room, cry scream and go to bed (and other things, but I won't go into them).

And then today I had to say goodbye to two people who I've grown to really like and respect over the past 8 months. Both leaving on the same day, they could not be leaving at a worst time IMO. And then I got my mark back for an exam I took... and lets just say I get the pleasure of retaking it. That hurt.

Yeah, I know I ramble. I just needed to get it out... since nobody in real life wants to listen to me. Since I'm the listener, who everybody goes to with their problems! ARGH!

I apologize. I promise to not make you all listen to me for as long as these problems are annoying me. Either they will work out, or they won't.

If they don't, I think Christina is taking a long vacation ... to Nutsville. I only wish I was kidding here.

((((( canders ))))) its ok to want to BE HEARD...so many throw that whine word around it dimishes the word HEARD.....and to vent and talk and feel bad..You have a lot of reasons to feel bad....You really do I am sorry that you have all this on you. I will also say...yes it is possible to be so overwhelmed that you do not feel like things are real...you are like in a fog in a way..I have been there....Please make sure to see your doctors and pdoc or T or whatever you see to stay as well as possible

Wow, Christina, that's a lot of stuff! I think you have a right to vent. Dealing with your own issues and then your aunt and then someone insensitive making remarks . . . .

It can all be overwhelming and confusing. Sometimes, in situations like this, all we can do is take it hour by hour and be greatful for a few moments reprieve. If you can, set aside a few moments for yourself, even if it's to take a walk, beat a pillow, scream into a pilow, have a root beer float, cookings . . . .

I hope things settle down for you soon and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

SongBird

(((((((((((((((Canders))))))))))))))))

You are indeed dealing with a lot of stuff. Please know that it is ok to talk and vent and rant as much as you want.

I hope things lighten up for you soon. As silly as this sounds, please try take a little time out just for yourself.

(PS - I use the term spaced out all the time )