Stuck in this life

My life sucks, I suck, and all of life sucks. My life is like living in a box with no openings. I am always feeling the sides searching for an end to my torturous life. I have lost who I am, my personality, and soul. I live through life robotically, going thru the motions of life. I see no hope for me or life. I am feeling guilty for subjecting my five kids to this sentence of hell. I always had some sense of hope, but now I see no light at the end of my tunnel. I want to laugh, I want to hold my kids and actually feel love in my heart, I want to be motivated to help them learn to cope with negative thoughts and actions of others. But I cannot do those things I can't even keep my house clean feed my kids a proper meal, pay my bills, organize a shopping list. I am always moving but getting no where. I do not enjoy anything that I used to, I can't even enjoys tv or food. Everything is a struggle. I often picture how I would die, a slit of my wrist, driving my car into a tree or going through with my well thought out plan that includes a special tree and some pills. Right now I am enduring what i can. Maybe someday I will sucome to the pain and snap, leading me to a better place. Everyday I struggle with guilt of leaving my children to my loser ex or giving them to my dysfunctional family. I have other thoughts of protecting them but I am not sure I can take that step. I just wonder what I did to have a life that is so sad, hopeless, and not worth living. I see my daughter having a had time dealing within our home. I can't bear to see her or my other children go through the pain I have endured for years.

Hello rcrss5.....I wish I could say something that would help you to feel some other way than you do, but I don't know that I can, sadly. What I can say is that my heart is breaking for you, I have been where you are, or somewhere nearby (just with different details), and that I care about you.....whether I know you or not. One thing I do need to say is that, whether you can believe it or not, YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE ALL THIS PAIN. It sounds like depression (the demon) is in control, and he does not care about you....or anyone. You, and all of us, are precious spirits who are being victimized by a cruel illness....and not "bad" people. Sending warm thoughts and many hugs.....

There never seems to be many replies to my post, which is depression. It just goes along with my life. My so is screaming at. Me bc I wont take him to GameStop, I just can't take this life anymore. It's going b
No where and the pain iTools deep now. I took a bunch of Ativan and washed I'd down with a mik's lemonade but I'm still her too bad. Have a great day

rcrss5
You sound very depressed and in need of help. Please reach out to someone a friend, family or please go to the emergency room. Nothing is ever as bad as our minds convince us they are. You can get better for yourself and your kids with help.