[poptardqueen]

Do any of you find yourself fighting getting better, despite the fact that you think you want to get better? I waver back and forth between taking my meds like I should and trying to pretend at least like i'm making progress, and days where I can;t get out of bed and think about nothing other than wanting to hang myself. It's just so hard when you go entire days without seeing or speaking to a single human being. And when you do see someone, they have absolutely no interest in being around you because while misery does love company, company does not like misery. It's impossible. Now that it seems that I'm becoming more aware of my mental ailments, it's now ALL I think about. No matter where I am or what I do I am always analyzing, obsessing, and in desperation of my seemingly terminal condition. The sad thing is, when I look to my future, I know I am stuck exactly where I am right now for at least the next 3.5 years. I don;t think I can hold on that long. I WILL kill myself if something does not change. There are only so many days one can go without reason to leave bed before psychosis sets in. I find myself wanting nothing more than to finally push myself to that brink of sanity, so that I can fall off and no longer care about anything or anyone. Ugh, I'm just tired of lingering on EVERYTHING all the time. Oh well. On another note, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday anyways.

[dexter]

I'm suffering that too right now poptartqueen... going sometimes days without seeing or hearing from anyone, and often weeks without hearing from some of the people i would like to hear from. the depression is tough enough on its own.

i also sometimes "analyse" everything. at times that causes me so much anxiety that i can't sleep and can't concentrate or even think of anything else. right now it is not that bad, i still spend a large part of my day in anxiety but i can find a few moments watching tv or something and be distracted. i've talked about this with my therapist. i might ask for something to help with the anxiety the next time i see the doctor. i don't have "panic attacks" or that type of anxiety disorder, just a general mind racing that continues and disrupts concentration and sleep.

i hope you can find some relief. have you spoken to your doctor or therapist recently about this? i definitely think that would be a good idea since they may have some specific suggestions. or may want to change meds to help. some meds can raise your level of anxiety so that may be an issue too.

good luck.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[krzyk101]

Yes pop, I do.
I understand what you are saying completely. It is hard with depression for me to function "normally" what ever normal is any more as I worder have I ever even been normal or just what I in my own mind feel is normal. I sit and I think of things to blame this depression, the meds, finances, whatever I can. Then when those things get "better" I find new things to blame this godforsaken feeling on. I turned the tv off an hour ago, and just sat in my easy chair, silence everywhere around me that Silence. As I sat there I thought of the computer and gettin on the forum, and after 15minutes of arguing with myself, I decided I did have the strength to. Sorry I did't have much advice, except now that I am here I dont feel so all alone.

take care

KRZYKRIS

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[kvinneakt]

The idea of going pleasantly insane is attractive. I don't think it usually happens that way. Only a few lucky? kids get born with a kind of insanely happy retardedness. Down's people also seem pretty cheerful as a rule.

I have not gone wacky insane, but have had a dab of psychosis with my depression. Not fun. Ugly. Also you don't get it when you want it. It is not convenient. Not an escape at all.

Babble on. I would like to write you with cogent and useful information. It is not there, in my head, so it can't be put down in writing. Sorry.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>