[Mogeii]

The black cloud is back. I've had my ups and downs, some downs pretty heavy, in the last 2 months but none of the "symptoms" of depression other than bad mental stuff was happening. But here I am, waking up wayyy too early and cant fall back asleep, nauseas, on the verge of tears, shoulders slumped, and my own personal depression related demon- hatred of medication. 2 weeks ago I was on week 3 of my Cymbalta trial, and I felt better than I had in 6 months. I can say that for sure even now when my brain is filled with negativity. If you take away the last week, early August was the best ive felt since my major depressive episode last year. I thought I had found the right med, the right way of living, and was FINALLY ready to move on from depression at least and deal with my anxiety. But no, it has come back for NO REASON.

And now I sit here and stare at my Cymbalta and Klonopin and blame them. Cymbalta tricked me into thinking it was going to be my biological crutch so I could fix the psychological and external parts of my life and now it all goes away. So if history repeats itself, I have another day or two of horrible near non functioning mornings that turn into days where I function but obsess over depression. After that I have a major crash that every time it happens first hurts my family then sends us on the wonderful trip of angry therapy sessions and hoping my psych gets my phone messages which he usually doesn't because his office staff are horrible. Then a new med regiment that makes me sick for a week, better for 2 weeks, and then we repeat. I was doing everything right...I just can't stop the snowball once it starts going downhill.

I was happy for 2 weeks. It's been so long since I can say that. I've had happy moments and happy days in between sure, but I had 2 weeks where my life was run by positivity and the negative times were simply bumps in the road. And without any external force impacting my life, without any major life changes, without any health issues, and without skipping meds or changing dosages, I am depressed again. So the fight begins again, and although I always come out the other end, I wonder how much of a life is one really having if they are fighting themselves for the majority of it.

[Littlefish]

It is a long fight,
but if we give up,
all the former efforts r gone and in vain,
we dont want that....
the real fighter is forgeting the results, i guess, just keep fighting.....

[jlmass]

Medication can be wierd that way. Don't give up on it just yet there are ups and downs until your brain adjusts. Stay strong. Its not easy i know.

[whimsygirl]

Hi Mogeii.....Oh that damn black cloud. I, and so many others of us I suppose, find those ups and downs to be the hardest part of this stupid gig. I do pray that things turn around for you sometime soon ~whimsy

[regretful]

It took me about 3 weeks to adjust to cymbalta. I stayed on the 30mg doseage. I don't want to use it as a biological crutch either...but I need it now, and look forward to the day when I can be weaned off it. I do hope that things clear up soon for you.

maybe more dosages on your meds, or differant ones...
My brother keeps changing his meds, as they only work for him for awhile.

I have been on my third trial of meds since a year ago.
i recently have been driftin downwards again.
of course, i am tempted to an occasional 6-pack of beer which is stupid on my part, as alcohol is a depressent, but i aint had a beer in 2 weeks. i still feel depressed.

i'm just maintaining ..keepin the gun away from my head..so to speak..

I hope you find a good balance, and can maintain a little better.

GL

[Blue Poppy]

Hello there,

I don't know your full medical history, but I am wondering how many episodes of this recurring depression you have had.

I was on Paxil for years and felt great most of the time, but I still had depressions, about eight episodes.

I know you hate medication, but perhaps a different class of drugs is in order, like mood stabilizers. Forgive me if klonopin is one, I am not familiar with it.

I can be so frustrating I know, but I have accepted that I have a mood disorder and that I cannot function without meds. It is the process of finding the right ones and the dosages that is so frustrating.

Hang in there!

[Mogeii]

I appreciate the replies. To be more clear, I hate my meds during my depressive episodes for the same reason one would hate their sunscreen after they get sunburned. It gets you all oily and sticky, but didn't help you. If that makes any sense lol. And to answer Blue Poppy, Klonopin is a benzo. My hatred for Benzos is just a personal philosophy. Any drug that is ADMITTED to have major negative effects on the body once you are hooked on them should be put in that last resort box next to ETC and other more major treatments. But because they are cheap, they work, and if you take them as prescribed there is little to no chance of any major side effects they are handed out like skittles. But then you try to stop them its like you are coming off of heroine after 20 years. I feel in a way that I was in such a depressed state last year and was having the occasional panic attack that whatever the doc threw at me I was gonna swallow. But in retrospect, I had 3 major panic attacks before Klonopin, and 2 after, and my General Anxiety Disorder was basically cured by Zoloft for 3 years prior to last year, so why didn't we give the ssri/snris a chance to fight the anxiety instead of going right to benzos. Now 10 months later my Psych tells me he will not recommend coming off of benzos, slowly, until we have found an antidepressant that stabilizes me 100%. In essence I am stuck taking an substance that is harder to come off of the longer you are on it until I find another substance stabilizes me enough lol. Whatever I wont get on my soap box about benzos. I am on them and wont stop taking them until my psych sees it fit. I trust my doctor, I just dont trust my brain to do what my doctor expects it to.

[depressedalaskan]

(((Mogeii))) Hope all goes well for you. I am seeing sunshine peaking through the clouds at this time. Just the last week has been good. Not myself yet but working towards that. It has been 12 years since I have seen the real me.

Can you remember how you came out of depression 2 months ago or in the past?

I am asking because I am feeling pretty good and I am afraid that I am going to crash. I can't put my finger on anything that has change for me to feel better.

[Leed]

I fought with Cymbalta too until we decided I had to have 60mg twice a day. So that's what I'm on now. Trouble is, I've been on it awhile and I'm getting depressed again, so I either need something else, or an increase in dosage. I've always been hard to medicate. We'll see what he says Wednesday.