Feeling abnormal and scared lately

I guess I should start off by saying hello and that I'm new to this site. This is my first official post so bare with me if I did not post it in the right location.

I guess I will give you a little run down about me and then go into how I've been feeling lately (warning, this could get lengthy).

Hum, where to begin.....

Well, I've always been sort of different. When I say different, I mean not into the "normal" stuff that I think people are commonly into. In high school, I was the girl with the multi-colored stalkings and the purple hair that lived in a small, country town where I stuck out like a sore thumb. I knew that I wanted to move to a larger, more open-minded and culturally diverse city, so I did just that at 19. I got my first tattoo around that time (a rather small one) and from there I sort of developed an "addiction" of sorts to them (I know, that sounds really cliche). I always thought they looked interesting when they were done well, and since the first one didn't hurt at all, I got more. People always used to ask me if I would regret them when I got older. But seriously, how does one answer that question? We make decisions to the best of our ability at that time and unfortunately we don't have a crystal ball to see into our futures.

Anyway, over the years I added more. I had 4 by age 22 and did not obtain anymore until around age 24 (the year I like to call "my quarter life crisis" I had been planning my last one for quite sometime but got it during a bad stage in my life. Don't ask me why I went ahead with it in such a depressed state, but I did. That night after getting the tattoo I freaked out. I've never experienced a panic attack (heck, not even depression really) at that point in my life. From what I've read and from what the doctor said, that is indeed what I had and the way I reacted to that one incident let off a chain reaction (depression, obsessive compulsive, anxiety disorders). I was in REALLY bad shape and could barely function.

Up until this point I never regretted my tattoos, but all of a sudden I was freaking out about them. In my mind it seemed as though they all just appeared out of no where. I became so depressed that I couldn't eat; I dropped from 130lbs to 100lbs (I'm 5'8) and couldn't fathom the idea of actually being able to eat 2,000 calories a day. At this point I could barely get down 300. I think if it weren't for Krystal's chilli cheese pups I might not of (no kidding). This was an extremely dark period in my life and it's hard for me to even remember anything in that 8 month period of time. I just remember being terrified, thinking I was all alone and that there was no way I could be helped, I would have to live with these horrible feelilngs of guilt and sadness for 50 + more years.

I was a college student at the time (still am) and fortunately a good bit of this took place during the summer. I don't know how I managed to go to work, but I did and I tried to carry on my everyday activities (with much crying in front of customers). I had no insurance and was working a crappy job that paid $8.00 an hour.

I have to admit though, I had a wonderful primary care physician and college professor that helped me find an affordable psychiatric program to attend. The prices for the medications killed me, but I was willing to try anything just to be a functional, happy human being again.

At that time I was put on Zoloft, Risperdal (even though I was not psychotic, it helped with the ocd) and anxiety medications. I was also attending cognitive therapy once a week. By January of that year (a little over 7 months later) I was much, much better. I felt like my old self again and wasn't ashamed of my body. Well, it's been 1 1/2 years since I've been off the risperdal and the anxiety medication, and it's been about 5 months since I've been off of Zoloft (I don't like being on meds, I like to deal with things on my own if I can). I stopped the therapy about a 1 1/2 ago as well, since I felt grounded again.

Well, everything was going fine until I moved about a month ago. I moved from a big city, to a suburban community where I feel like i'm the odd man out again. I feel so disconnected and alone (no where near as bad as last time, but still, I'm depressed nonetheless). I just have this aching feeling that life will never get better and that I have ruined myself. Funny thing is, I don't hate tattoos and I'm still into the styles that I have been into ever since I can remember. But, I'm freaking out again about having them on MY body.

Now, I know that when I go into the city on the weekends I feel normal again (more open minded, liberal) but during the week I feel so disconnected and ashamed of my appearance (even though none of my tattoos are visible, I still know that they are there). My friends keep reassuring me that my tattoos are done really well, but I guess I would just like for once to go outside and wear whatever I wanted without getting stared at. I'm a human being and damn it that bothers me.

Well, to wrap this up I am joining group therapy next week and I hope that I find some sort of answers to my life. I think my problem partially lies with the location I live in, but also with what I want to do and who I want to be in life. I believe that I'm focusing on the tattoos because I see them as a sign of my past and feel that I can not grow and move on. But I know that in the end only I am holding myself back and that I need to deal with this in some way.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them. Any little bit of encouragement or pointed help in the right direction is appreciated.

Hi there and welcome to PC!

You have overcome so much! I feel you'll work this as well. It certainly sounds like the move has affected your life greatly (understandably), and the tattoos in combo with the move is really triggering something...

Is there something maybe behind the desire/drive for the tatoos that is a trigger for you now? Something you might not even be aware of consciously?

Way to go on group therapy! Possibly there you could explore the "place(s)" you were in when you got a majority of the tatoos and if that's triggering something bigger for you and "growing" on you?

For instance, there's a specific thing about my personal appearance if I focus on that will trigger, then grow quickly on me. I didn't even know why until therapy and was blown away when I had the realization. Now that I know, I'm able to recognize it more quickly and usually curtail it pretty quickly.

I'm glad you're here and wish you the best!

KD

Hello and WELCOME....

I have to agree with KimmyDawn here.... the panic attacks seem to be coming from some thing else, a deeper issue that lies with in YOU! - some thing from your past that has gone un-dealt with, therefore, it has been resonated for some odd reason.... it is now your job to locate what exactly it is and to HEAL it.

And - BTW.... you are NORMAL for some one that has unresolved emotional issues from their past - don't judge your self to harshly.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Welcome to the PC family.... I hope you will find it a comforting and supportive enviroment.... This family has been a real source of support for me....
Take Care of yourself....

Welcome to PC! It's good to hear you are going to begin therapy again... come back and post often!

I think you are right. I do think that something else is going on and that I am focusing on the tattoos, since that is something that is out of my control to change. I guess I have always had a problem with who I am, struggling to figure myself out. For some reason, in my mind, I feel that I can not grow as a person and evolve. Does that make any sense? I'm on the Dean's list in college, I do volunteer work, I go out of my way to be nice to others, but I can't be nice to myself. I think that is where my problem really lies.

Yea, I think it's something else too, but I'm just focusing on my appearance and can't see past that. Hopefully, with therapy, I will be able to resolve some of these issues. *keeps fingers crossed*

Thank you guys for the support, it is much appreciated.

Thank you for welcoming me. I appreciate it and will be sticking around for a while.

thank you and hello.

{{{{{{{{{Safe Hugz}}}}}}}}}