[anjelmarie]

I'm in so much pain, i don't know where to turn. I feel alone and lost. I'm crying right now. I was listening to the seasons of love song from rent and i don't know why but it made me cry. I don't cry easily either. Maybe listening to it made me think of how my life has been a waste. I have not accomplished anything and i'm on disability and basically i feel like i can't take care of myself financially, not on disability. I love my bf but we are not happy. I'm not well physically and i have severe depression. I never had children and i'm estranged from siblings my parents are deceased. I've been thinking about my mom and i get sad. The thoughts just come to me out of nowhere and its so painful. I had friends and a job and a car and i went out and did things and it wasn't the greatest life but it was so much better than it is now. I have nothing now and i withdrew from my friends out of shame. I pray for death to come early. My bf would be better off with someone else. I am sickly and always needing him to do things and we don't do anything and i know he feels overwhelmed because i only have him. He has a needy family so he feels pulled in every direction. If i had a life i wouldn't be needing him around so much. Even my living situation is horrible. I spoke about it on other posts. We have no savings and not alot of money coming in. We are not in a position to move now. I'm worried and i don't see any good in my future. I am really in so much mental pain it hurts to be awake. I try to watch tv to keep from thinking. Music sometimes just makes me sad, even happy songs makes me sad. Sorry to be such a downer but i have no where to turn and no one to talk to. My therapist is gone the next two weeks. She was off the week before too. She is always off and i am so dependent on that one hour each week with her. I know she has a life of her own and is not here on earth to be there for me but i am just so fragile and i just need help. I had to vent to someone. My bf is sick of hearing me, he tries to avoid me. Anyway thanks for letting me have a place to vent.

Anjel

[Leed]

Dearest Anjel ! Bless your heart ~ I can feel your pain, and I've known your pain. Depression takes us to the deepest, darkest chasms the earth has, and it seems there is no way out. But there is.

Isn't there a therapist that is taking your therapist place while she's gone? There MUST be someone in case of an emergency -- call the office and see who is taking her place so you can talk to him'/her. I do think you need to speak to someone. And I can't believe they wouldn't have someone available.

Please don't pray for death -- you're an important part of LIFE. Life IS good, dearheart, and I know right now it doesn't seem so, but it will. Things just arern't gong very well for you right now, but they will. Things never stay the same -- they always change, and they'll change for you too. Just have faith sweetie.

We'll be here for you whenever you need to talk. But please call the office and see who is available for you to tak to. You do need to see someone. God bless and keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

[Snowy83]

I feel some of the things you are feeling right now, but pleasssssseeeee keep thinking positive and fight those feelings away. As Leed said, there should be someone replace your therapist place, call the office and ask for another one, if she taking leaves this much like you said, then you better changed to another therapist who could really listen to you every week since you are depending on this and asked if you could add more hours every week, I'm glad you find therapy helping you and you should focus on this and get as much help as you can in this.

I'm sorry for your disability, is there any group out there for people with physical disability? Can you find it and join them? I'm sure they can share their experience with you and relate how you feel. Try to do some small things that you can able to do it, make yourself feel accomplishment which you are currently not feeling, that may help with your confidence.

Regarding your boyfriend, you are such a caring person, do you know that?? Even though you are depending on him so much and always share your problems/feelings with him, you are still worrying about him, burdening him. I know some people don't care how others feel, they just take everything from others for granted, not appreciate one bit. So your worrying about him is one of your many good qualities!!!!!

I also afraid to unload my problems to others worrying that I may burden them too much. What I do is I also find other ways to channel my problems/feelings, like this site. So you do the right thing to write out your feelings on here, let others hear you and support you. Try to talk with your boyfriend, let him know you also care about him like you are now, you also understand his family needs him too, try asking how his family going, share his problems too. So he wouldn't feel his taking care of you is not being reciprocated. Hope you will get better soon and keep us posted.