Life is too difficult for me...Totally hopeless for the future.

I don't really know where to start. Even though I'm only 24, I have no hope for the future and feel like my life is over. Nothing seems to be going right, and each day is so painful. Life is too much for me to handle, and I feel like "living" is just not for me. I want all of this unhappiness to end. I don't think that I will be able to reach any of my goals, and I have no potential to succeed.

I've done so many bad things and have had so many aspects of my life go completely wrong. When I was younger, I at least had a few positive traits (nice person, good student, etc.). I am now a total disgrace, and I don't even recognize the person that I've become.

I don't know whether or not this is relevant, but I have ADHD and possibly some Asperger related issues (I don't really agree, but that's my PDoc's opinion).

Everything started a few years ago when I got myself into a pretty serious predicament. Instead of going to my parents (I was afraid), I tried to take care of it on my own. This was a huge mistake and one that I regret each day. I ended up deceiving my parents, breaking their trust, and getting caught up in a huge web of lies. I never wanted this to happen, and I feel horrible about it. The pain is so bad to me, and my head pounds all day long with the terrible guilt that I feel. Because of me, my parents have had their lives adversely affected. They've lost a substantial amount of their money, been embarrassed multiple times, and have had their credit ruined.

My parents should despise me, but they don't. My dad has basically said to me that "It's only money. I want my son. I don't care about the money." Unfortunately, I can't overlook what I've done, and I'll never be able to go through life with all of this guilt. I'm sure there are a lot of parents who wouldn't have been so forgiving. I'm horrified. I can't believe everything that I've done, and I never wanted to inflict so much damage. I could just cry. All because I've always been too afraid to get my parents' help, I've created a huge disaster.

When my parents finally found out about everything in May, I got involuntarily committed for almost 2 weeks. I then spent another 8 days in June when I was readmitted. It's been a long past few months, and my dad always tells me that "we'll get through everything."

The truth is, I don't think I can do it. I have too many other issues that make it near impossible to ever rectify everything. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. I'm not productive at all and probably should be back on ADHD medication. I wish that I could see my PDoc, but I still owe him money. My parents even told me that they would pay for me to see him. They aren't aware that I still have a balance for past sessions. I'm supposed to be honest at this point, but I still have trouble being upfront. It's so hard for me to talk with them about certain issues.

I realize that I am in a pretty bad place. I can't concentrate or focus, no matter what I do. I've tried everything, and as I mentioned, I think my only option is to start taking ADHD medication again. It's the only way I'd be a help to anyone. However, that's not a possibility until I resolve the issues with my PDoc, which I'll probably never be able to do. Then if I do start taking medication, I'll be worried about all of the possible long-term side effects.

No matter which way I turn, I'll just never be happy. My life is ruined as it is, and I can't stop dwelling on negativity. I obsess about my health, I worry about getting older, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of dying, etc. etc. Where does it end? I'm stuck in these horribly bleak thought patterns, and it's an endless loop. Even if I were to "fix" what I've done, I'll still obsess about it years later. To make it worse, I have no friends, no social interaction, and really nothing positive happening in my life.

I'm sorry for being so pessimistic. I'm just sad that my life has turned out so differently than I ever expected. What purpose could possibly be left for me? I don't see any hope for positive change and am very doubtful that I could ever move past all of this.

I appreciate any input.

Ok ~ Number one, your parents love you unconditionally. That's a given. They have forgiven you for everything. YOU have to forgive yourself.
Number two -- if you're going to get this all straight, you have to be COMPLETELY HONEST. You HAVE to tell your parents there is a balance owing to the Pdoc, so you can get back on your meds. Tell them, and be up front. Your parents won't be mad -- apologize for not being honest, but tell them you were scared. Tell them you need to get back on your meds. But TELL THEM -- MAKE SURE YOU DO. You can do this -- I know you can. You went thru this other ordeal, so you can do this. It's imperative you get on your meds!!!

You are NOT a total disgrace. Things have been taken care of. You've faced your demons. Now, like I said, you MUST forgive yourself. Did you know that God has already forgiven you? He has! So why can't YOU forgive yourself.? Are you more powerful than God?

As for the money -- like your Dad said "It's only money." And you can always pay your Dad back. It may take years --- but you can do it if you try. You might only be able to pay him $10 or $20 a week or month, but you can do it.

You WILL be able to see your doc again. Once you get the balance paid off (with your Dad's help) you'll be able to see him. It's important that you see him so these issues can be worked on and taken care of. You can't just try to forget them as they'll just bite you in the butt everywhere you turn. So make sure you talk to your Dad about the balance.

You say "I'll never be happy." Well with an attitude like that I guess you won't be! When I was going thru therapy, I kept a positive attitude and a hopeful attitude. I KNEW that I was going to be happy, and that my issues WERE going to be taken care of -- and there were ALOT of them. But if you're just going to decide NOT to be happy, then I guess you won't be.

You ask what purpose should be left for you? Well that depends on if you change your attitude. If you're going to decide to be unhappy, I just don't know. But if you decide to give life a chance and you want to be HAPPY, the possibilities are UNLIMITED!!! God put us here for a reason, and it's up to you to find out what that is!! And YES you can move past all this, if I could move past what *I* had to deal with! You have NO idea!

What Leed said!

Your posting here is a good sign that you have the strength to get through this. You have enough hope to write as much as you did. Okay, then!
Did your pdoc say you had to pay off your entire balance before you could have another session? If not, ask what you have to do to begin meeting again. Find out for sure what your diagnosis is, then revisit the issue of medication. You should be able to do this in a consultation-type appointment that you could pay for at the time of meeting. You just need to find out where you stand.
I don't think most parents would be so forgiving or willing at this point to be there for you if there weren't something about you they thought merited their support. Possibly whom you knew yourself to be as a youngster is the "real you"--but you've got these issues that didn't appear till you were older. Now they need to be dealt with if you're to have a chance off getting on with your intended life & its true purpose.
Let this be a new beginning for all of you.

Please level with your folks. Tell them you owe the pdoc, then follow through with that meeting.

You want to do this. Your post is full of hope, even though you apologize for its pessimism. Absolutely everybody ever born screws up their life ... every one of us!! You have the opportunity now to do some things right the second time around. Your choice.

Please stay in touch. You have people pulling for you here already.

Roadie