[Hellion]

It always seems to return...I am so tired of it. I got through my SSI interview which was exausting then I came home was ok other than being totally exhausted with a headache from all the questions in the appointment(I am not very good with remembering dates of things, and specific information it almost hurts to try and dig all that stuff out of my brain.....I couldn't even verify my home phone number which was embarrassing.) And now the crushing depression is back and painful as ever. Its just difficult I guess because it seems whenever I manage to feel at least ok for a few hours I get hit with a massive avalanche of depression...instead of feeling relief over finally getting that appointment taken care of I feel anxious about it and like it would be stupid to expect it to work out.

Oh and to top it off my boyfriend and mom who 'aren't' breaking up are conflicting again. Earlier my mom was threatening to kick him out again...because he was likely being stubborn about everything again. But to be honest I don't really care at the moment....too depressed to react to it.

[Leed]

Hi dear Hellion ! I'm so sorry this depression keeps returning to harass you. I've read others of your posts, and I know how you've suffered.

Hellion, you CANNOT keep going on like this. This depression is getting worse and worse and deeper and deeper. It won't be long before it will be so "crushing" like you say, that it will be debilitating. Something needs to be done about it.

I know you're on SSI, I'm hoping you're on Medicaid. They DO pay for therapy. You should get into therapy and see what's causing this depresson. If you can get to the root of it, it will begin to subside and eventually go away!!! Soon YOU will have a handle on it and have the power over it !!! But to do nothing about it isn't an option now. You have to do something. Please either get a referral to a good therapist from your doctor, or call a therapist. It can be a psychiatrist or psychologist. I prefer psychologists as they seem to give more feedback -- at least that has been MY experience.

I wish you the very best. PLEASE let us know what happens, will you? We never seem to know the outcome of these things, and I'd really like to know what happens with you. God bless and please take care. Big hugs, Lee

[Hellion]

It already is debilitating has been for a while.

As for SSI I am not on it yet, I've only submitted all the required information and still have a couple of appointments to find out more so I can submit more information to them, if I qualify I'll try and get on medicaid to but yeah if i don't get approved for SSI then I don't get medicaid.

Also I am not so sure getting to the root of it is really going to help, I mean I think I have a pretty good idea of what the roots of it are...and that doesn't really do anything to decrease it any. I think getting picked on, singled out and ostracized ever since I was a young child has a lot to do with it, as well as being in a dysfunctional family thats more about putting on an act and hiding true feelings than being open and honest about them...and I imagine there was some sort of genetic pre-disposition and such. Oh and the older I've gotten the more depressing the world in general seems to be and the more disturbing society seems.

Oh and apparently long term depression like that can cause brain damage more or less...like it can negatively effect the brain physically I would not be surprised if its had that sort of effect on me. Anxiety and PTSD don't help matters.

And all I can really do is wait for my appointment on the 27th with a psychiatrist, that the doctor I went to a few weeks ago referred me to...so I will see where that goes I suppose.

[jelly-bean]

You need to get into therapy asap. Your depression is getting worse all the time. Even if you know or think you know the cause of the depression, the key is how you personally deal with the cause. You need someone to help you put the cause in it's proper place so that you can move forward in your life. Please keep posting and let us know how it's going.

[Hellion]

I will for sure go to that appointment and try and explain how I feel to the psychiatrist as best as I can. Maybe I can get some sort of therapy but I am not sure what is available, I'll try and find out though. Hoping to get approved for SSI and medicaid...otherwise I'm packing up a back pack and going homeless...I am sure my mom would be willing to let me stay here but I can't deal with being a basement burden.