[skaterkid314]

my depression started back when i was little. i had an absent father and i always wondered why everyone else i knew got to spend time with both of their parents while my dad was far away and i never got to see him. i rarely got to do anything enjoyable because my mom was always angry about something and would almost seem to enjoy seeing me upset from not being able to do anything fun. then shortly after i started ti realize that the aunt that i was very close to was an alcoholic and opiate addict and from the way she acted i always thought she was just trying to make people laugh, she was one of the people that i could talk to about anything and she would never get mad at me. sorry if i am skipping accross the years and confusing whoever is reading this im just trying to find a way to cope with depression before i end up doing something stupid. me and my aunt were so close that she blew up one night in 2010 when she was very drunk. she had me backed up against the wall and was screaming at me because my mom pissed her off and she lost control. so after that happened i hadnt seen her for a few months. i remember the night when it happened on the way home in the car i started punching the dashboard and screaming because i knew my mom wouldnt let me see her anymore after that and she was the only real family i had. the only person in my family that made me feel loved. that was when i was 13. im now almost 16 and ive hit rock bottom with depression. it sounds bad to say this but earlier this year my aunt got sober through a clinic because she saw how she was slowly killing herself, and after she got sober she wasnt the same aunt anymore. i couldnt talk with her about anything and she doesnt make me feel special like she used to. she was the real mom that i never got the chance to have. i miss the old her as bad as it sounds. but what topped all of the sadness off was a month before my aunt got sober me and a girl named stephanie started talking, and she didnt know me too well and i didnt know her too well either. but what i did know is that i was in love with her since the first day i saw her. i saw her in class on the first day of school in 8th grade and that day changed my life forever. i never got the chance to ask her out until later in december because i was always using marijuana as my anti depressant. it does work very well but the problem about it is its illegal and it has made me psychologically depend on it. when im sad i would go smoke and when it would kick in my stress and sadness would begin to litterally just fade away like it was never there. but then i got caught with it at school and got suspended for 180 days and when that happened i started experimenting with other drugs. which was a waste of time because they did nothing for me. i ended up trying coke that same summer and it sparked a whole new world of drug dependancy for me. but there was one thing in life that took me completely away from the drugs and the sadness.. and that was stephanie. we started going out in december of last year and it didnt take long for me to realize that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. she made everything perfect. my heart would jump at just the thought of her. we were together for 4 months and i ended up losing my virginity to her. i even proposed to her and she said yes. i felt welcome in her home, both her parents liked me and treated me like i was family. they didnt have a problem with me smoking marijuana because they completely understood why i was doing it. even her dad used it for medical purposes. but then in march my depression slowly started to come back more intense as the days went on. then stephanie became depressed and started to slowly push herself away from me. so i was hurting so bad that i went to see a psychologist and he prescribed me an anti-depressant called celexa which just made me sick and sent me to the hospital. then he prescribes me another anti-depressant called zoloft which only intensified my sadness. so then he tried another pill on me called depakote, which was a mood stabilizer that was also used for many other illnesses like epilepsy and schizophrenia. which it made me completely lose who i was. i stopped caring about things as much and then when that happened stephanie got severely depressed because of my sadness and for reasons she would never tell me. she broke up with me on april 28th and my heart has hurt ever since. i have cried every single day since that happened and i will never heal from losing her. she was my everything and without her i have no reason to be happy. no matter what i do everything in life thats ever put a smile on my face has been taken away from me. its like i was put on earth to be a living example of a failure. i have no good grades in school because i cant concentrate long enough to get anything done and ive been put down so many times by my mom that ive just completely shut down and i cant take anymore of this. ive been very suicidal lately and i have dreams about killing myself. i see myself hanging by a rope and get a sense of relief when i see it in my dreams because it means the pain is over. i dont know if this means im actually going to end up doing it or not.. i always end up harming myself because i have no hope. when i inflict physical pain on myself it almost seems like it relieves some of my emotional pain. i get called emo alot because of the scars that i have from cutting and busting my knuckles on walls and because of the bands that i listen to. im always being hurt emotionally and verbally by someone and i dont know what to do anymore. if this keeps up i honestly feel like im going to have a heart attack. i started having severe symptoms of an oncoming seizure right after stephanie broke up with me and i dont know if its a coincedence or if emotional pain can cause a seizure. sometimes when the depression is at its strongest i just fall to the floor and black out. most peoples depression is every other day or a few times a week but mine is every single second of the day. i never smile i never laugh all i do is cry and wish i would just die. i have nothing to look forward to in my future because i wont be a high school graduate. i already messed up my freshman and sophomore year by getting suspended for weed 2 years in a row and now ive gave up on school. im in an alternative education program and still get bad grades. i only go to school so i dont get in trouble for truancy. ive gave up on everything and ive tried to talk to people about my life and they all say "i understand. but things will get better." when they really dont understand at all. ive tried and tried to get rid of this sadness and feeling of a waste of space but it doesnt work. ive tried advice from doctors and friends and none of it has helped me at all. i just want to know if theres someone out there that can help me somehow get through this.. ive hit rock bottom and im about to just give up and let myself die. i cant take this pain anymore.. someone.. anyone.. please im begging you please help me get rid of this sadness.. tell me how i can do it..

[Miswimmy1]

Hi there... Im sorry that things are so hard. If you ever wanna talk, u can message me I'm 15 and I have been through depression... It hurts a lot I know

What you really need is a therapist. They won't tell u that it will get better. They will talk with you, work with you, assist you in learning new ways to feel better that aren't harming to yourself or your health. I know it feels like nothing will ever get better. I know how it feels to want to die. There IS hope out there. Medication can and will work. Behavioral therapy can be a life changer.

I know many use therapy as an ultimatum: if you keep this up, your going to therapy. That is so horrible, as that is what kept me out of therapy when I could have gotten so much out of it. What I mean is, therapy isn't where "bad" teens go, it's not a way to force u into behaving. It is a resource that can really help you if you will work with it.

Ask yourself: do you want to feel better? Think about that for a second.

[Leed]

Hi - you really DO need therapy. And you have to remember that you didn't get this "sick" overnight, so your treatment isn't going to "cure" you overnight either. It is going to take time. We are all very impatient people. We want to get better NOW. But that isn't reality. Reality is that it takes time to work thru our problems. Reality is that it takes time to dig to the bottom of the root of the cause of our depression. We aren't depressed because some girl broke up with us. We aren't depressed because we lost a job, or that the world is in such a terrible state. We're depressed because we had trauma, or abuse, or things such as neglect or the fact that we didn't feel loved by one or both parents. There is a myriad of reasons why we feel depressed and the therapist has to find out what those reasons are. It takes time.

So you must be WILLING to work with the therapist to find out what's going on. I hope you ARE willing! God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[skaterkid314]

in reply to both of you, im more than willing to work with my therapist/doctors. but that isnt mutual. all they do is push pills to me when i specifically tell them that the pills make things worse because they make me someone that im not. and their reply is "well heres what we can do. im going to prescribe you zoloft." and then get me out of their office. they just want money they dont even care

[skaterkid314]

and thanks for the talk. i try all the time to think happy or even spend all day long looking for ways to get myself out of a bad mind frame but it never seems to work. i quit taking the pills a few days ago because the doctors refuse to listen to what im saying so i decided to just say screw them and go about this on my own. hopefully getting off the anti depressants will make some sort of positive change in my mood.

[Leed]

Skater -- Then go to a psychologist, who legally CANNOT prescribe medication. I prefer them anyway because they give more feedback than a psychiatrist.

Make an appointment with a psychologist, and you'll see the difference. And you won't get any medication either! LOL God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[tigerlily84]

I agree with the others, that it takes time to figure out the root of your depression. It's not for a superficial reason. And if they are pushing pills and not actually listening to you, then you should find a new therapist. I worry about you because some antidepressants can really cause some pretty awful withdrawal if you stop taking it suddenly. Please at least make an appointment with even your primary care dr so they can help you get off the medication.

[flyinggirl]

Skater, I know everyone has said it but they are absolutely right. A psychologist is a whole different kettle of fish. They WILL listen to you because that is what they work with. Talking and listening is thier job. And I can tell you from experience it really can work. It's down to you. The drugs, and I'm talking about the illegal ones here, won't help cure anything. I was addicted to dope as a way of avoiding my depression too and it wasn't untill I chucked it in the middle of my therapy that I really moved forward. Take it slow, but there is a way out. When you look for a therapist it is important that you find someone you feel comfortable with. Someone you are happy to talk to.
Good luck. You can do this and come out stronger at the end.

[jelly-bean]

Hi Skater. Everyone has already said everything that I would have said. I just want to wish you good luck. I'm part of your support group. Let us know how it's going with you.

[Miswimmy1]

Ok you should nvr quit medication without a treatment plan. It can really have horrible side effects (quitting a med abruptly like that). I know, I was hesitant to take medication as well, bc I thought it would make me someone else. But it didn't. It was me, only more aware and more in control. I can't rly explain it, but it really shouldn't change who you are. And if it does, then there is something wrong... It sounds like you and ur doc should sit down and work out what each of your goals are. It sounds like there is miscommunication going on...

[skaterkid314]

to all of you i have had a psychologist since i was in 5th grade and it doesnt help. Dont get me wrong the guy is great you can talk to him about anything and he'll tell you exactly what you can do to fix a problem, but no matter what i tried nothing worked. hes a great psychologist its just no one can fix me it seems like. and the anti depressant i was on was zoloft and i was taking depakote with it and i havent had any withdrawl symptoms. ive been angrier lately but thats completely from another reason. i just wish i could find a solution to this ive already lived basicly my whole life like this and i dont want to live it like this anymore.

[Leed]

Skater, the meds MIGHT be making you angry -- so talk to the doc about it, and the meds CAN be changed!! You need to keep in contact about EVERY change in your well-being that you notice. Then the doc can make changes in the meds. This anger could be a side effect.

Talk to the doc. You do NOT have to live like this. If you don't communicate, nothing will change. The same goes with the psychologist. If you don't tell him EVERYTHING, nothing changes. And if you aren't TOTALLY willing to make changes, and tell him everything, then nothing works.

God bless you Skater, and keep posting, ok? We REALLY DO CARE! Hugs, Lee

[gloomyday]

Hey skater.... your story sounds so sad. When I'm depressed, like almost all the time, I listen to music... It really helps. I want you to listen to a song I know by Three Days Grace, if you haven't already heard it. It's called never too late. This song has helped me get through so much... I hope you find hope...I'm trying to.