[Frozen_Heart]

Sometimes, I get lost as to where to turn. I know I have issues, I know that but it doesn't seem that anyone else sees that. Am I depressed? I just finished talking with my sister-in-law who seems to think my life is a bowl full of cherries when I had to shatter her idea of my life by expressing some things. I'm good at faking, I can fake it until I'm blue in the face but I just want to be ok. I'm sick if my fits of rage, I'm sick of not wanting to go places, I'm just sick and tired of this nasty cycle.

I'm anger at my father and mother for raising children that turned out so darn nuts! My brother is just like me. Angry and self-hating. . . (I'm guessing at the self-hating part but I know he's has anger like I do and I can't stand myself). Sometimes, I'm afraid to admit how much I rage. . what would a person think. . . What can or should I do. . .

I'm sick of fixing holes in my dry wall- that person isn't me!! It's my dad. . . I want it all to change, where can I turn???

[(JD)]

I feel your frustration, frozen72. There are two main things that help us get through depression: medicines and/or psychotherapy. Do you have either to help you?

The good thing about becoming an adult is that you CAN change whatever you don't like about yourself and your own situation. We don't have to rely upon others, and we also can't blame them anymore. Take responsibility for what is yours, and disregard the rest.

[Frozen_Heart]

No, at this point I don't have either. I was going to Therapy but when I saw the charges I was incurring I quit (I don't have insurance) and I was also taking prozac but my script ran out and I don't have a doctor anymore since my divorce. I need them- I think.

Now, it's been months since I've taken anything or seen anyone and I back on a downward spiral. I just don't have the energy to do anything. . . at all. I feel like I'm going to ruin everything. I'm in school, which is going well. I completed my first semester with a 4.0 but the class are from the 'Arts' and were easy for me, I don't know how I'll do with anything challenging.

I've been dating a very wonderful man since October and we've gotten to a point where we would like to spend more time together. I would love to do that but my house isn't company ready, I haven't been able to keep up with things lately. I know what I need to do, but I just can't get myself up to do it. . . Heck, I haven't showered yet and normally don't unless I'm going to leave the house.

What I do know, is that I have four children who need 'me' and I don't seem to available. To add on to my depressive state, I have a large amout of guilt because I can see everything that I fail at.

I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy Frozen.
I understand about the anger issues 'cause my siblings and I all have a lot of anger issues too steming from my bio-father.
It's a huge mountain to climb and it's going to take time and patience with ourselves but I think we'll get there-eventually.
Hope you start feeling a little more motivated.

[Frozen_Heart]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Jax2923 said:
I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy Frozen.
I understand about the anger issues 'cause my siblings and I all have a lot of anger issues too steming from my bio-father.
It's a huge mountain to climb and it's going to take time and patience with ourselves but I think we'll get there-eventually.
Hope you start feeling a little more motivated.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

If you don't mind me asking, what worked for you? Sometimes I'm afraid to bring up anger issues, it just seems like a scary subject I guess.

Hi Frozen,
We're all still working on it.
I don't get physically violent-I internalize everything and then it comes out over little things.
I'm trying working out to release pent up emotions. I just started so I'll see how it goes.

By the way, Frozen- I don't know if you like to paint or draw but that can help, too.

[Frozen_Heart]

Yes, I do paint and write a little. The only problem is when I start sinking, my organizational skills fly out the window. Normally, I stumble through each day trying to maintain basic life skills- I don't think i could handle anything else. . .

[(JD)]

(((frozen))) that is understandable with depression. Don't be upset with yourself over not being able to handle anything else... try if you can, but don't feel worse if you can't. Try not to be so angry with yourself for how you feel... give yourself some time of allowance? TC