[sujunew]

I wasn't going to come back to PC tonight- I was planning on sorting out the chaos in the house but as I don't journal, I find a bit of relief being able to vent here. Even when I try to avoid the issues! I just can't see a way out of this fog. For the past week or so I have been mostly feeling really numb and living on 'auto-pilot', with a few epsiodes of bad feelings just to keep things...spicy! These are mostly during meetings or when there are ppl around who I DON'T want to see my emotions- I hide behind my mask as much as I can, to the point I sometimes wonder if my lack of energy is because I have used it all up staying behind that mask. I am getting kinda sick of ppl saying how well I look, and that I look so much better than I have for ages, and I seem to be doing so well when the only time I get outa my trackies is when I have to go out, and often even then I don't get outa them and I sure don't make an effort in any other way- I am NOT a make-up girl or anything... What these ppl don't realise (and for at least 1 of them, she is only a volunteer I see 1x a week when I take no1 to RDA so doesn't need to know) I am in the worst place I could be since the last time I hit rock bottom 1 1/2 years ago. It's been a very long time since the tears have flowed so easily (when I am on my own, but also around others if they...broach subjects which are too close to me). I can't believe how the most minor thing can send me into a crying mess. I do realise that there are some issues that I am kinda facing up to for the 1st time, or at least I am unable to bury them away for some reason, so that is not helping. And 1 of the hardest things of all is that I am missing my Nana more than I could possibly imagine. She passed away over 6 yrs ago, and I have always missed her but not to the point of thinking of her EVERY day and ending up crying every time I think of her. This hits me most when I am out on the porch in the dark, having a smoke. My mind goes straight to her and I feel so close to her, and I feel so guilty about all I have done, and I wish so much she was here, even if just to hold my hand...
I am sorry this was such a long post. But like I said, I don't journal- I don't trust anyone and am afraid of putting anything to paper in case someone finds it and reads it... real privacy issues here even when I am living on my lonesome (well, I'm guessing 22mth old can't read but still...) and I really needed to vent. Thanks

(((Irish)))
I understand about being on your lonesome and not trusting people enough to journal-that's somewhat funny beings you live on your own.
I never understood masks until recently. I've never intentionally worn a mask because I thought masks were things that complicated issues. I use to be a true believer in meeting things head on but that is probably more exhausting then keeping up a protective cover.
You need to wear a mask in this world. People are so cold, manipulative and competitive. I'm learning to put on a mask only now. I am somewhat dense and it took me awhile to realize I'm an easy target when I put myself out there.
Masks can be good things because people will take advantage of your vulnerabilities.

But you are sad because nobody is seeing the real you behind your mask as you are playing hide and seek.
It would be lovely if people would care enough to try to clear away the weeds to see the beautiful garden but in this world of convenience-people just can't deal with anybody's baggage if they're not going to get something out of it.
Unless you find someone who really, really loves and cares about you. (I hope you do find that someone.)
It's good you're facing up to issues. They're never easy to deal with but if your conscience of them at least you'll understand where certain emotions are coming from. Even if you don't like them or don't know how to change them-you have the advantage of knowing what sources brought them about.
I'm glad you can trust us here on PC enough to vent.
(((((Irish)))))

i hide too.........i understand your feelings completely. and your actions. please know that we care about you and that you can turn this around. xoxoxo pat