[telb]

Im so sick of this %#@&#!. this life. i want to live. but i have no life. i cant seem to help myself no matter how sick i get of this. anti- depressants and other meds wont help. i have to help myself but i cant. i try. its so hard i say forget it and i find myself back where i started feeling even worse. i havent left the house in mounths. i havent had fun in years im at rock bottom and i cant get out. i cant even take care of myself. i see no point tho its not like im going any where. or am goin to do anything. im slowly goin insane. isolation is a son of a @#$%^. my family is sick of me. my mom is sick of me. THERES NO HOPE FOR ME. WHAT AM I TO DO. IVE TRIED AND FAILED AND FAILED AND FAILED. IM A FAILUER IM A LOSER I CANT EVEN CALL MY DAD AND SAY HI, HE IS DIEING. U KNOW WHAT, I WISH HE WOULD ALLREDY DIE. SO I WOULDENT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT NOT CALLING HIM. I HAVENT SEEN HIM IN OVER 4 YRS. HE CALLS AND LETS ME KNOW HOW BAD HE IS DOING. IM SURE ALL HE WANTS IS TO SEE ME B4 HE GOSE BUT FORGET IT. WHY CANT I GET UP THE COURAGE TO GO VISIT. BECAUSE IM AFRIADE OF NOT HAVEING NE THING TO SAY, AND LOOKING LIKE A FOOL. i tell him dad im depressed. he laughs . tells me he is the one that is depressed.
suicide. i fantasize. i cant .
i think about attemptin but being found and sent back to the mental hospital. maybe i would get help. no forget that. nothin will help. drugs wont help im not happy with drugs anymore they only take me away from reality for a short while. if i was given meds i would abuse them to sleep. to get some relife. ive been there it dont help. takeing them as prescribed wont help. nothin helps. i dont wanna see a doc. they cant help. i need a friend. i need to have somthing to do that i enjoy. i need a friend. i have friends. but i cant call them. im afriade. forget this %#@&#! what is wrong with me. i dont even think im afraide. i dont know what i am. i know i cant do this anymore. time is ticking my life is passing. and i sit and i sit. i need a change. i cant seem to change. i cant feel. i have no emotion. ive been like this so long im not even depressed anymore. ive gone beyond depression. so far beyond to a emotionless state. i dont know anyone else thats been in my situation. i read about ppl they are depressed and they have friends they have jobs they have if nothin some sort of a life. i got %#@&#!.
im to the point where suicide is the answer. i hold back. i wait. i sit and i wait. i dont know what for. im on the edge the other day i threw a glass in my brothers faces and told my mom to call the cops and send me back to jail for a yr for probation violation or get me a gun.
i moan. i dont cry ne more. i maon.
i wake up and i maon. i have friends in my dreams.
b4 i go to sleep i maon. another day wasted.
ive tried so hard berfore to make somthing out of my days. i would shower put on nice clothes. and clean the house. but i never get any where. i cant seem to get out in the world. i cant explain it.
aint there no way to get out of this? get me some alchole and depressing music and i will follow threw ive been close. so close. . i just need that little push and my familly is capibale of pushing me. they have no idea. they think they know. My mom tells me i will pass threw this fase of my life. she has no idea. It would kill me to put my mom threw my death. But how long can i last.

[telb]

i dont know what to do. nothin will help . i guess im not strong enough to help my self. im the only one that can help.
soo what am i to do. sit and wait some more? try to pull my self out of this AGAIN ONLY FAIL. IM SICK OF FAILING. i know im a failer do i need to rub it in?i set gaols only to fail. i tell myself ok living like this u can change u can do it. start small. ok . yeah i can start small whats the point when it dosent get me anywhere closer to being happy. wanna hear some of my goals? haha u will laugh. i wrote a list. one is to shower every day. brush my teeth and take care of myself. less t.v. and computer and get active even if its just taking my dog for a walk, go upstairs and be social with my family.WHAT KIND OF GAOLS ARE THIESE? IM 20 YRS OLD. i can manage to do that then what? then my next step is get a job. well i was sooo close to having one. i actully got hired but i couldent go in. because i had anxiety and couldent sleep. i swallowed some cough med to help me sleep n woke up and had a panic attack. ok fine, i couldent sleep. they call the next day and i still dident go in. i dont have social anxiety. maybe just a small bit. but i used that as an excuse. thats my diagnoses. Failed the job thing. oh i tried. and i failed.
ok i failed. i dont care i allways fail. but i cant seem to wanna try anymore. i just want a life. i want one soooo %#@&#! bad it hurts. i cant wait for one to come along because its not eh. well i cant seem to go and get one, soo if i cant live its death. drugs. drugs dont bring me fun any more i cant afford enough of them. i would need a life time supply. a doc told me only way to be happy is to be sobber. ok . ive been sober for 8 mounths on my ANTI-DEPRESSANTS NOT MISSING ONE DOSE. I WASENT HAPPY . im just being real. i probly get banned from thiese fourms. but i dont care i dont know why i waste my time here everyday reading post to begin with. it will hurt to get banned but im used to not being wanted around. no one wants a loser around.
i had a thread in anxiety fourms no one cared what i had to say. the responses where lame half harted. i only got 1 hug. god when wiull this end? i asked you god. it was extreemly hard. but i asked with all my hart for strength.
i dont know how to get relife from this life. im thinkin about picking up cuting tho. watchin myself bleed. feeling some pain. ive learned to love pain. or pain has learned to love me.
dont respond your help is not welcome. theres is no help that will help. but my fellow depressed friends i love u. (((((((((((((((huges and tears)))))))))))))))
-A.J.

Sounds like now is the time to contact a therapy professional. they will help you that is if you want help and want to get better. the choice is actually in your hands.

I do know that suicide for me is not the answer and I also know that posting a threat of suicide is not allowed on many websites including this one so the national suicide hot line is

1- 800 -273-8255

They can help you right now with real time resorses in your area. all we can do here is read and offer support by telling you our experiences and how we handle it when we hit rock bottom.

I do many things - listen to music, read books, work in self help workbooks for example Mind over Mood and The Depression Workbook, Tho courage to Heal.

I also call friends and my therapist and pm those that I know have been where I am and have offered their "shoulder and ears" so to speak for venting and brainstorming ideas on things I can do to help myself.

Good luck and take care

Sounds like now is the time to contact a therapy professional. they will help you that is if you want help and want to get better. the choice is actually in your hands.

I do know that suicide for me is not the answer and I also know that posting a threat of suicide is not allowed on many websites including this one so the national suicide hot line is

1- 800 -273-8255

They can help you right now with real time resorses in your area. all we can do here is read and offer support by telling you our experiences and how we handle it when we hit rock bottom.

I do many things - listen to music, read books, work in self help workbooks for example Mind over Mood and The Depression Workbook, Tho courage to Heal.

I also call friends and my therapist and pm those that I know have been where I am and have offered their "shoulder and ears" so to speak for venting and brainstorming ideas on things I can do to help myself.

Good luck and take care

Sounds like now is the time to contact a therapy professional. they will help you that is if you want help and want to get better. the choice is actually in your hands.

I do know that suicide for me is not the answer and I also know that posting a threat of suicide is not allowed on many websites including this one so the national suicide hot line is

1- 800 -273-8255

They can help you right now with real time resorses in your area. all we can do here is read and offer support by telling you our experiences and how we handle it when we hit rock bottom.

I do many things - listen to music, read books, work in self help workbooks for example Mind over Mood and The Depression Workbook, Tho courage to Heal.

I also call friends and my therapist and pm those that I know have been where I am and have offered their "shoulder and ears" so to speak for venting and brainstorming ideas on things I can do to help myself.

Good luck and take care

[telb]

a therapits haha thats my coclusion as well. its realy hard for me to figure out how im feeling myself. this is the best job i could do. i hardly ever am able to put my feelings down or explain how im feeling. i usally just go threw my days emotionless.
i never made any threat of suicide. if you read i told u I CANT. i would like to and i could. but i cant.

Thank you for editing out the suicide threat.

I know you edited out because I frequently print off the posts and threads that I respond to because I don't have a good memory and I like to go back and check on those threads and posts that catch my eye, be it because the post or thread and I have something in common or because I want to offer what I can to that person. The first print out has the suicide threat and this second one with edited under it the suicide threat is gone.

Thank you for taking that out. It makes alot of people uncomfortable when they read a suicide threat and they don't know what to write. Now t hat that is gone you will probably get more replys and ideas beyond what I can write to help you. Good luck. and take care.

[telb]

yeah i hear ya i had to get some anger out. last night. i was going crazy. and felt relly hopless. today i am feeling better i took some vitmans and some diet n energy pills. im goin to go back to working out and doing yoga. hopefully i will be able to see a tharipest soon. i relly need help dealing with my frustration and anger.
i got no $ n no insurance. so hopefully some how i can see a doc.

Yea I get the same way where I just have to unload. As a matter of fact I recently took someone here up on their shoulder and listening skills to vent by pm. I cant offer that to you myself right now because I myself am still on rocky ground but if you ask around here you will find there are a few people here that lend out their shoulders and listening skills for people to just unload so they can think clearer. I never did that before but it sure helped me get through the last couple days. and the person was able to remind me of what I knew how to do but because of being in the thick of it I ether forgot to use those coping skills or wasn't paying attention when I was doing them.

Hang in there. ok.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((telb))))))))))))))

I hope you're having a better day today. You're being thought about.
kd