[Ciroc-kette]

Hi all, thanks for reading this...I'm new to the forum and I'm just confused. Let me start off by saying I have never been formally tested/screened for depression so I don't know what is wrong with me.

I know for a fact I have anxiety, specifically health anxiety. I worry on a daily basis about having HIV and being so unhealthy that I'm about to die. I got tested for HIV but I just don't believe my negative test result is true. Tied to this worry is the fact that I could sleep all day, and extreme tiredness is a symptom of HIV/AIDS. I don't feel like doing anything, I stay up late, like until 2 am and sleep for 10 hours, wake up, then feel like I could sleep for another 10 hours and sometimes sleep for 2-3 more hours. I feel a huge sense of numbness and like I don't give a damn, then suddenly I worry about absolutely everything. I compulsively check that I have my car keys/credit card/cell phone in my purse/car at least 10 times. The next day, I won't care if I lose everything because nothing is worth it to me.

I've been kicked out of my parents' house, I lost my job, all my life I've been overweight and unattractive. Never had a relationship. I've got a lot of friends and I'm popular but that's because I'm fake and put on a show for everyone. No one can guess how sad I am on the inside about my life. Is this depression? Is it insanity? I dont know. I feel trapped inside my own head, especially with the health stuff.

[Augusta_A]

Hello, Ciroc,

Yes, many of the symptoms you describe are standard symptoms of depression. Could you ask your doctor for a referral so that you could be evaluated for depression? It sounds like that would be a very good step.

[JDC6]

You sound depressed, consult a doctor.

[Leed]

Why would you think you have HIV if you've never had a relationship? Have you been promiscuous? I don't say that to offend you, but I'm wondering why you think you would have HIV?

Just because you're tired doesn't mean you have HIV. Fatigue is a symptom of depression too. Extreme fatigue is also a symptom of depression. It sounds to me like you're more depressed than anything, along with some anxiety. I seriously doubt that you have HIV.

I have to agree with Augusta -- please have your doctor refer you to a good therapist. Your doctor will know who is good -- and he can refer you to one. You do need therapy and I'd suggest you try to get into one as soon as possible. So please talk to your doctor SOON -- the sooner you get into therapy the better off you'll be. You don't want to live like this any longer than you have to. God bless and please take care. And PLEASE keep us posted on your progress, will you? We DO care!!! Hugs, Lee

[Emotionally Dead]

Originally Posted by Ciroc-kette

Hi all, thanks for reading this...I'm new to the forum and I'm just confused. Let me start off by saying I have never been formally tested/screened for depression so I don't know what is wrong with me.

I know for a fact I have anxiety, specifically health anxiety. I worry on a daily basis about having HIV and being so unhealthy that I'm about to die. I got tested for HIV but I just don't believe my negative test result is true. Tied to this worry is the fact that I could sleep all day, and extreme tiredness is a symptom of HIV/AIDS. I don't feel like doing anything, I stay up late, like until 2 am and sleep for 10 hours, wake up, then feel like I could sleep for another 10 hours and sometimes sleep for 2-3 more hours. I feel a huge sense of numbness and like I don't give a damn, then suddenly I worry about absolutely everything. I compulsively check that I have my car keys/credit card/cell phone in my purse/car at least 10 times. The next day, I won't care if I lose everything because nothing is worth it to me.

I've been kicked out of my parents' house, I lost my job, all my life I've been overweight and unattractive. Never had a relationship. I've got a lot of friends and I'm popular but that's because I'm fake and put on a show for everyone. No one can guess how sad I am on the inside about my life. Is this depression? Is it insanity? I dont know. I feel trapped inside my own head, especially with the health stuff.

Hi there. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Is there something that has impacted your life that has made you feel like this? I know that my brother once swallowed a small toy when he was younger. He was scared our Mom would find out and so he never told her, but for weeks he kept telling her that he thought he was going to die and felt like he was choking. She kept saying "well let's go to the Dr." and he'd go "NO NO NO!!" Anyways, turns out he finally told her he had swallowed some dog tags from a G.I. Joe action figure. He was fine, but he felt so guilty for it that he kept thinking there would be repercussions.

All I can think is that maybe something happened that made you feel this way? There are various ways to get this virus, but if you were tested and it was negative I very seriously doubt you have it. I think it is your mind taking over and making you paranoid. I definitely think that a Therapist could help and also make sure you aren't border-line hypochondriac, because that could make you feel that way too.

Hope things get better for you soon.

[perseverance11]

Originally Posted by Ciroc-kette

Hi all, thanks for reading this...I'm new to the forum and I'm just confused. Let me start off by saying I have never been formally tested/screened for depression so I don't know what is wrong with me.

I know for a fact I have anxiety, specifically health anxiety. I worry on a daily basis about having HIV and being so unhealthy that I'm about to die. I got tested for HIV but I just don't believe my negative test result is true. Tied to this worry is the fact that I could sleep all day, and extreme tiredness is a symptom of HIV/AIDS. I don't feel like doing anything, I stay up late, like until 2 am and sleep for 10 hours, wake up, then feel like I could sleep for another 10 hours and sometimes sleep for 2-3 more hours. I feel a huge sense of numbness and like I don't give a damn, then suddenly I worry about absolutely everything. I compulsively check that I have my car keys/credit card/cell phone in my purse/car at least 10 times. The next day, I won't care if I lose everything because nothing is worth it to me.

I've been kicked out of my parents' house, I lost my job, all my life I've been overweight and unattractive. Never had a relationship. I've got a lot of friends and I'm popular but that's because I'm fake and put on a show for everyone. No one can guess how sad I am on the inside about my life. Is this depression? Is it insanity? I dont know. I feel trapped inside my own head, especially with the health stuff.

Hello Ciroc-kette,

Welcome on PC!

These symptoms are some oh those of depression. Like Emotionally Dead said, is there something happened recently that could make you feel this way?

For your HIV, if the results says negative, I think you should trust that.

What would you like to change the most in your life?

I wish you the best!

[Ciroc-kette]

Hi all!

Thank you so much for your responses. I have kind of known in the back of my head that I should go to see a doctor about this and it has been way, way, way, WAY overdue. Like, since high school overdue. I just have been afraid of the medications or the outcomes. What if they prescribe me something that makes me even crazier, and so on. I've got a few friends who are prescribed depression meds and they describe it as being hell, although it makes it better. I'm sure therapy could also help, I mean..I know it will.

About the HIV thing: I've always been a hypochondriac, I don't know why. It's almost more like a health phobia than attention seeking. I haven't had a relationship, no, but in college, like almost any other person, I did hook up, go to parties, drink...always protected minus one time, after which I got tested. I just know that I DON'T have it, that's what the rational part of my head says. At the same time, that rational part gets overwhelmed by the irrational part that tells me I'm sick, I'm letting down my family, I'm crazy. I made myself physically ill with anxiety for months last year over this. It's absolutely stupid, I slap myself in the face and say it's not possible if I tested negative but that doesn't seem to make a difference.

As for something happening recently: I mean, I've felt this way for years. But this year was especially bad. I was so stressed because I was graduating college and had to look for a job, I got BADLY played by this guy who I genuinely had feelings for, I got kicked out of my house in dramatic yelling-and-threatening-to-call-the-cops fashion by my family, and I lost my job for no reason other than the boss just didn't like me. That just pushed me over the edge even further, I was managing the crap feelings fine before and I would have long periods of "uppers" where I was happy for months and then it call came crashing down for months, but not to this extent, then pick back up. I gained weight, I stopped being motivated to work out or eat healthy food. For a few weeks I couldn't even make myself get out of bed until I HAD to or I was going to fail my classes. I just feel like I lost my ability to control this on my own.

Thanks for all your advice, though. I think what I want to change the most now is to just take care of myself physically again. I NEED to get out of my current (very stressful and unlikeable) temporary job situation and get the time to work out and eat healthily. Once I do that I know I will feel better at least physically. Then, the doctor of course. And therapy.