I'm hateful towards my family and it feels like a hot rash that's destroying my own self love but I don't know how to stop it.
I can't get up from beneathe them-I feel like I'm suffercating under their weight. I can't break the surface and I really need to get a breath.
How can they be doing this to me? I feed, shelter and take care of myself and they live miles away. I know, I know-I'm letting them do it to me and I'm in control of my own whatever.....that's all very nice in a tidy little package but what exactly does it mean?
I'm so tired of this. When will I be good enough to stop being the last on the tatum pole? When will I be respected?
I don't want to be better then anybody else-I just don't want to be not as good as everybody else.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I'm so tired of this. When will I be good enough to stop being the last on the tatum pole? When will I be respected?
I don't want to be better then anybody else-I just don't want to be not as good as everybody else.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

When YOU really learn to love yourself for YOU and not for any one else.... friend or family.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Yes you are right about that but I am socially deficient and I do not know how to accept being accepted and loved. I subconsciencely turn people away from me to prove that I am not worthy of being loved. I've been taught that I am not worthy of love and I believed them but even though I know logically it is not right-I don't know how to undo their training.
I wish I could learn to really love myself but those negative voices echo my life's experiences and I'm convinced that I am not worthy of being loved. I am so sure of it I have, for the most part, isolated myself from the world to prevent it from having to be proven to me yet again.
If I cannot accept love from others then how am I supposed to learn how to love myself? Don't we learn as we are taught? Who's going to reteach me if I don't let anybody come near me because I don't trust them?
It's all so complicated.
I feel like the only way I can prove I am worthy of being loved is to prove them wrong by being just as worthy as them but I can't get my leg up on it because I lost 10-15 years of my life to this stupid depression and I can't catch up and I'm running out of breath trying.
I want to punish them by being able to sit side by side with them but they just won't let me. I have a place set out for me and it's at the bottom of their feet. It's been taught to me it's where I belong and I try to rebel against it but I feel like I'm running around in circles.
They don't come right out and say it but I can feel it in their actions that they are most comfortable with me in that position and will do as needed to keep me there.
I am so frustrated. It doesn't help that I'm the youngest in the family and it doesn't help that I'm the only one who's gone and gotten therapy for our childhood experiences. It's seen as a put down to me that I've been to counseling, been to a psych hospital and have been on meds. I feel like I'll never get past the stigma of it. They look down on me because of it and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I was only trying to ask for help-does that mean I'm crazy or deserve to be looked down upon? No-and I KNOW that but they (and society) have somehow convinced me otherwise and I've surrendered to it. I am a piece of crap because I am not only not worthy of love but I'm also mentally ill and I am weird and a loner so therefore I am a reject of society and belong in the trash pit of the earth. And they won because that's exactly where I am. Kudos for me!

jax, do you know the serenity prayer??? try that and take care of yourself. xoxoxo pat

Hi Pat,
Thanks for taking the time to read my long ranting. I really appreciate it.
Yes, I do know the prayer. I'll try repeating it to myself when I start feeling that way again.
You're right, I can't change it and I have to realize that and move on with my life.

Thanks again

[Fuzzybear]

I can relate to this! I also used to choose friends or lovers who were like my father and stepmother.... harsh, judgemental, critical, angry, abusive or they chose me
Hard to emerge in good shape from underneath all that mental crap but you can do it, we both can!

((((((((((( Jax ))))))))))))

(((((((Fuzzy))))))) Thank you
Yes, I think I do the same thing with the people I choose to share my life with.
We CAN do it, Fuzz-we got to learn from the past and change the pattern. Well,it seems easy enough.
But as Pat has said-the wisdom to know what we can and cannot change.
I can only change myself and how I respond to others and not how others respond to me.
If I really focus on that much and just get that much of it down then I think I should be okay.