[daveUSMC32]

Hello, all. I am not one to really do the whole online support group thingbut I thought I'd give it a try.

I'm currently in Afghanistan and my wife who suffers from OCD, bipolar, and now depression is doing badly. I just came back from R&R and have about half a year to go until I get back to the states.

She is totally obsessed with her weight and her very mild acne drives her to the point of exhaustion and rage. She cloisters up in the house (living with her parents while I'm deployed) and refuses to do anything with anyone if she is unhappy with her physical appearance.

I am fortunate enough to be in a FOB where I can call home every night and email/Skype. Bt every time we talk it devolves into me trying to calm her down and reassure her that her appearance or perception thereof is not as bad as she thinks it is . I am so mentally drained from doing this for 7 months that I had to tell her that I couldn't talk to her for a few days because I am starting to become depressed and suffer from anxiety attacks.

I know I can't fix her mental disorders, and she sees a therapist, but I think she has stopped taking her meds. I got into a big fight with her about taking meds, and she says all sorts of hateful things to me when she gets in a rage.

How do I support her from all the way over here without being an enabler but also without being cold or distant? I feel so tired and downtrodden. I have no energy for myself or anything other than work and her.

Any advice is appreciated.

[Leed]

First, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY --- YOU ARE OUR HERO!!!

Try not to argue with her. That isn't going to you OR her any good at all. if she feels crummy about herself, just sympathize with her and let her know that you're sure it will get better, but you love her just the way she is. Tell her you know that she is upset about it, but it doesn't make any differrence to you -- just like you're doing right now.

Is there ANY way you can call her therapist? You need some tips & strategy on how to handle her when she's like this. She seems to get into crisis mode, and I would hate to give you the wrong advice -- I think her therapist would be the one to talk to, and if there is ANY way to call him, I'd do it. I know it would be difficult for you -- if you can give me his name and location, perhaps I can look up his number for you so you don't have to ask your wife and make HER suspicious. I'd be happy to do it, if you think you could call him. Just let me know and I'll do it. Hugs, Lee

[jelly-bean]

Hi Dave! First and foremost, Thank You for being there so that we can be here safe and free. I am sorry that both you and your wife are suffering so because of your deployment. How does she act when you are at home? Is she still real bad or does she become more or less normal considering her conditions? You might want to check out the bipolar forum to see what advice the people there can give you. Good Luck and God Bless You

[Miswimmy1]

I agree with Lee... as someone with OCD, it is not benificial to argue or try to rationalize it. It is irrational and that is that. You could ask her how she would likr you be there for her. Also, there may be an OCD reason that she that isn't taking her medication... why don't you ask her about it?

The reality is that she is not nearby, and she is not a child. You can't really do anything to make her treat herself. Just let know that you luv her and are there for her. (((hugs)))

((((dave)))) I am sorry your wife is struggling so much. It is incredibly hard and so frustrating when someone we love is hurting and we cannot be there in person.

I agree with the other members that it is probably best during your next conversation to simply say (very calmly and sincerely) "I hear you. I understand. how can I help?" instead of going round and round.

However she responds is then on her. She is responsible for her own self-care. We all are. AND you have to take care of you and make the best of each day, whatever that takes.

Have you spoken with her parents and shared your concerns. They are with her so they are probably aware of her decline...it would probably make the most sense in terms of logistics that they try to help her so she can start to feel better AND at the same time, so it takes some pressure off you.

Please let us know how it goes.

Rose

[Rohag]

Thanks, and thanks for joining and posting, DaveUSMC32!

This is serious. It affects you -- it potentially affects the mission. Leed is correct; when your wife is in the midst of an episode, there's no reasoning with her because it's not her, it's the illness.

Marine Corps Community Services (MCCS) One Source

Marines or family members seeking assistance can call 800-869-0278 in CONUS, or 800-8690-2788 OCONUS. MCCS One Source Online can be visited at www.mccsonesource.com [currently in mx], userid: marines, password: semperfi.

Marine and Family Services (MFS) Center - the MCCS resource at each base (I think...)

With her diagnoses, your wife may qualify as an "exceptional family member" for the program of the same name (EFMP; Henderson Hall page). MCO 1754.4B (.pdf)

USMC Distress Line -- You can call on behalf of your wife.

Military OneSource

PsychCentral Military with Mental Illnesses Group (quite a few links)

All the best to your and your spouse... May safety surround you.

[daveUSMC32]

Thank you all for your responses.

I am unfortunately not new to dealing with these things, so I know I can't reason her out of it; I have just been searching for a way to get out of "crisis" mode. I'd settle for depressed over raging.

I tried to contact her therapist but she is not ethically allowed to speak to me. I've gone to our Chaplain and hopefully some of his connections will give me an outlet.

I just got off the phone... well was hung up on (again) because she's screaming about her weight.

I've really started to feel a depression of my own setting in. I feel tired all the time. The only thing that keeps me going is being buried in work all day long and then I slump back to my hooch and lose myself watching movies until I pass out. I hate this place and I hate what it's doing to my wife and our marriage.

I feel like my "old tricks" are wearing out. It's so much harder to smooth things out than it used to be. My attempts to calm her make her feel like I am belittling her condition, which I'm not. Our whole lives are engulfed with this thing.

The problem is that her condition isn't to the point where I can justify calling a crisis line or having her involuntarily admitted to a medical facility. The OCD is good at knowing just how far it can push us before getting to that point. It has transformed into a daily grind and constant weight on my shoulders and I'm sure it's 10x worse for her.

I appreciate all your responses and concerns. Maybe I just have to vent it out once in awhile, even if it is anonymously over the interwebs.

Thanks guys.
-D

Hi ((((dave)))) vent away ... we are here if/when you want to just let it out
Rose

[daveUSMC32]

Going through a really awful situation... won't go into detail but a "test run" attempt was made... everyone's safe for now, but I don't know what to do any more. I'm out of ideas. She hates living with her parents, imagines all of these untrue things about how they are trying to control her, stopped all meds 2 months ago I just found out... if I talk to my command, I'll be sent home and my career will be over. If I don't say anything and something happens, I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life.

Spoke with her on the phone, tried to convey in a loving way that she needs to take responsibility for getting healthy because when anyone tries to help she pushes them away. She refuses to go to an outpatient hospital. I have no more options but wait with baited breath for 3 more months.

So incredibly exhausted and feeling sorry for myself.

[Confusedinomicon]

Is there any way you can talk to the therapist and tell them YOUR concerns? You can tell them that you're not interested in delegating the therapy sessions, but that you're concerned about a few things that you hope the therapist can bring up with her.

Try to suggest activities that she can do, instead of telling her that she should do it for her health. Like volunteering. I have a huge affinity for cats in particular and an activity to get myself out of the house will be volunteering at a shelter. You can also talk to her about cooking and see if she would be interested in preparing her own meals. (That can help with some independence stuff)

Ultimately, though, you have to think about yourself in the long run.

You also need to make some boundaries for yourself.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-f...nships-part-1/
(I didn't read it all, but it seems spot on)

When you get back home, couples therapy may help you establish the boundaries. It can also be a safe place for you and your wife to discuss things that are troubling you. Continue to take advantage of the church and speak to the chaplain. They are generally trained in relationship counseling so he should be able to give you support during this time of need.

Last, but not least, spend some time doing things you enjoy. Go out with your friends or be active in some kind of volunteer. (No drug or alcohol abuse, please) Give yourself time where its okay for YOU to relax.

You can even do the "these places are places where I will not think of my problems" activities. You mentally think of the problems and you place them at the door of the activity you want to do. Then you do the activity with a friend or whatever. When you're done, you "pick the problems back up". This does not eliminate the problems you have, but it gives you a safe space where you can relax.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by daveUSMC32

if I talk to my command, I'll be sent home and my career will be over.

Understood.

Originally Posted by daveUSMC32

If I don't say anything and something happens, I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life.

You want to be with her but, given your wife's condition, would your physical presence with her actually be of help? (This is a real question, not a rhetorical one.)

Originally Posted by daveUSMC32

So incredibly exhausted and feeling sorry for myself.

Personally, I'd hardly call what you are experiencing "feeling sorry for myself." You are emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed from confronting an insoluble dilemma involving a loved one and and bound up with your whole life.

Wishing you safety and survival.