I feel like the worst person in the world.

I am in possibly the worst relapses of depression I've been in since high school. I've been seriously depressed before, even suicidal and hospitalized, but this is worse. No reason to describe my symptoms, it's just bad.

I have no support system. When I say none I really mean it. I have attempted to reach out to a few people but I don't get far. I have no contact with family. I've driven away all of the friends who have mattered the most to me, the people I loved being around, who I felt the most kinship with. I'm toxic--it starts out well but then I cling and suffocate. I don't want to do it, and I know I am, but I just can't beat the thought of them possibly leaving. And when I know that they're starting to think less of me I panic and start clinging more.

I'm scared. I know we aren't supposed to talk about suicide on here and I don't have a means anyway but... I'm scared. I don't want to call my doc because of I get admitted there is no one to take care of my kitties. Even if I could find someone my house is a disgusting mess. And I'm afraid I'll lose my job if I go inpatient. I hatr inpatient--it solves nothing for me. I don't know what to do.

[Leed]

Hi MissKeena -- Bless your heart, believe me I know how you're feeling. I've been there before and it's just AWFUL. You don't know what to do, where to turn - nothing!

I'm glad you came here. WE all know what you're going thru. You say you "must be the worst person in the world." That couldn't be further from the truth!!! Honey, you have an ILLNESS. That doesn't make you "bad." That doesn't make you the "worst person." It makes you one of US. A depressed person, who needs help. A person who needs someone to talk to. And we're here. It would be ideal if you could speak to a therapist tho.

Is it possible to speak with a therapist WITHOUT the risk of going inpatient? You don't HAVE to go, you know. You ARE responsible -- you're not a danger to yourself, unless you ARE contemplating suicide, and I hope you are NOT. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!! And your problem IS temporary -- there are solutions to it. You can go thru therapy, or you can try medication. I've been on medication (I'm clinically depressed) for many years. Yes, some meds have side effects, but not all of them. And the ones that do CAN be managed.

And depression can be managed too if you get the right therapist and the right treatment. Keep postiing my friend. We'll always be here. I wish you the very best. God bless and PLEASE take good care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

I've been on several different meds for the last 20 years. We're to the point of calling it "treatment resistant depression." my pdoc was going to send me inpatient directly from my appointment Friday, or at least to partial, but I refused. She then suggested ECT which I am open to. In the end, for the immediate time, we added another med which has worked temporarily in the past. I'm just feeling SO bad that, yes, if I had a means I think suicide would be an option. What scares me is that I'm not afraid of it like I always have been. I just don't have the means. (Sorry mods, I'm not going to do it, not advocating, just being honest.)

People may bash me for this but, after 16 years of therapy I am SO so so sick of talking. The only reason I come here is because I feel like if I don't at least type things out I will explode. Like, literally explode and have little chunks of me all over the place. I can't endure therapy anymore. It frustrates me to no end; I feel like a hopeless case in there.

Sorry guys. I called and left a message with the psych nurse that I think it's time to at least go into the partial hosptialization program (which requires time off work, but at least I can sleep at home) and I'm strongly considering ECT. I know you're all here but...this feeling of being torn limb from limb, like something is slowly devouring my insides just doesn't abate. Not unless I drink or take too much klonopin or something dumb. Which is counterproductive.