Depression wrecking my relationship.

Long story...I'm 18, and know I'm very young with my whole life ahead of me and much time to sort things out but this is the point in my life where I look at my future, and this definitely has to do with my future - being that I'm committed. I know my story may be a tad silly, but if anyone out there has any advice - it'd be much-appreciated. I don't know where else to go.

My only request is that, please, don't skim it over; I'm trying to give all the details here and skimming it, I don't feel like you're getting all the details. I understand if no one at all reads it too, it's long, and silly.

So, about four weeks ago I found a Twitter belonging to my girlfriend; I had no idea she had one but it wasn't too much of a big deal to me, just confused. I had seen a couple of posts (most of them dated from points when we had gotten into arguments) about me that were somewhat nasty; insulting, mocking, etc. even something along the lines of 'ha, cried like a b****' about one point when I cried over feeling bad about acting horrid; I've had temper issues and have acted unnecessarily possessive and intolerant in the past and have since started to work on this issue. Been much better about it.

The twitter is gone; she deleted it when she was at my house. I didn't tell her she had to, but she insisted, to reassure me. Told me it'd never happen again, and I trust her in that.

That same day, I saw her later on in person and we discussed the issue; she broke out crying, yelling about messing up, etc. and I told her that although it hurt me (and that this stuff won't happen again) and angered me, I was willing to work through it with her because I love this girl, very much; it's..very big, to me. We agreed to work through it and admitted the immaturity of our actions over the past; we agreed to work on both our issues and for it to never happen again on either end, considering I was also part of all this to begin with.

Aside from all of this, we've had a magnificent relationship; 20 months, now, and it's been..no words, really. It's the first time in my life I've felt truly dedicated to someone, and I trust her with my life(even after what happened. It took a shake, but I trust her with my life.).

Later on that day - we tried to have sex and I'm guessing me being so stressed or tired made it so I couldn't keep it up. We've always had a GREAT sex life, often having sex twice a day when we saw each other which is often every other day. I ended up getting anxious over this inability and it made things even worse; over the next three days, I encountered repeated failures due to my performance anxiety being so intense. Angered me, because I wanted to please her.

As the week progressed, by Saturday when I saw her, I was having breakdowns; these new thoughts and feelings were coming in where I felt disconnected from her and was questioning my love for her. It first manifested as whether or not I was still sexually attracted to her, but lol, that ones' silly. I started having breakdowns around her and left; went home, and started to talk to a therapist. I took a week off from her, that next week, that is, and the next Saturday when I saw her..it was amazing.

Great sex, I felt close and couldn't let her go..like I hadn't seen her in eternity..over the week, everything was great; my problem was, however, I'd still overanticipate sexual intimacy in my brain and this led to some anxiety in the next week. Not questioning my feelings, etc. as all that had gone away when I first saw her again. Just overanticipating everything regarding sex and it created anxiety.

The next week after that, last week, the..detachment, and disconnection had returned; I can still have wonderful sex with her, and I definitely do not doubt my sexual attraction to her but I feel..detached from her when I'm around her, like something isn't there inside but it stresses the Hell out of me thinking about it, so much I get depersonalized. It also doesn't make sense to me because there's been days over the past two weeks where when she's left, I missed her so badly I cried.

I want a future with her. She's literally the most amazing thing in the world to me, and I have been through 'young love' and all of that; this is the girl I want to settle down with, and have my future with altogether. I can honestly say that, with no anxiety, or fears, or anything; this is the girl that I want my future with. She was understanding throughout all of my performance problems, etc. and is being understanding with me now. She doesn't know I'm having these doubts, of course; my therapist does, and I've been taking Zoloft for about 2-3 weeks now, although not at his recommendation - another doctor, rather. The zoloft is due to the fact that when this situation first began, I had serious breakdowns.

My doctor told me it didn't make sense for anxiety to encompass my life this quickly, and that it seems something had been bubbling up. She told me my feelings may have changed, but at the same time, she told me I could realize it isn't her - but me, instead...which makes more sense when I look back on my past. I've been very cynical for years now, intolerant, angry, etc.

He tells me it isn't my feelings, rather, but that I think subconsciously I don't measure up to her standards; I'm perceiving the external rather than the internal and have lost touch. This seems sensible to me, being that these questions have only ever stemmed from performance anxiety. I've never doubted my love for her before. I haven't had breakdowns in three weeks, but I remember how they were when I first started having these doubts; the mere thought of these doubts being true makes me sick to my stomach because I just..KNOW they aren't, it doesn't make any sense to me from any rational perspective. I cannot logically give reasons as to why, but I can give tons of reasons as to why I love her. I can think about her and miss her. I can think about the great times we've had across the past and just..love it, so much, but then feel bad because I feel disconnected now.

The disconnection is just..weird; it's like something isn't there. The butterflies, the feeling inside, something, I don't know. I really don't know. It's just like something isn't there, but I honestly feel like I'm MAKING it feel like that with my brain being that we bonded just two weeks ago. Could zoloft be causing this? I just..don't know anymore. I really, really hate this to the point it drives me insane. I feel like if my feelings had changed, I wouldn't be this worried and messed up by it.

Thanks...

Hello & Welcome, Absurdity!
Yes, Zoloft or any antidepressant can have the kind of mood and sexual effects you describe. Anxiety can, too. Or, it may be both. Or, it may be neither. This is something to document/follow over time and discuss with your doctors. The side effects of psychotropic medications are highly individual, one person experiencing nothing and another experiencing a whole range of effects.

You are describing multiple issues -- depression, anxiety, relationship, sexual, pharmacological -- all interrelated. Dealing with any of them probably means dealing with others as well.

You have stumbled on the down side of instant communication. People tend to twitter or blog or whatever, send it, and then can't take it back. Part of what is coming through, to me anyway, is that the incident of the twitter took some of the trust you had for your girlfriend.

It sounds like you are trying to deal with your own problems, and piling the relationship problems on top of it. Have you considered counselling for both of you at the same time? That way, you have a mediator and a safe place to discuss what is bothering both of you. That can be painful, but you can't keep a relationship going if there is "something missing". Your girlfriend seems to be picking up your feelings and wonders what she did or didn't do.

One thing you should take into consideration is are you trying to stay in a relationship because you truly love your girlfriend, or are you trying to avoid rejection, being alone or reassuring yourself of your manhood? (Let's face it, we males have fragile egos when it comes to performance etc. ). You are the only one that can answer those questions. I hope things work out for the both of you.

Sam2

I love her. I honestly feel like I love her; when she's not around, everything feels out-of-place and depressing. I miss her terribly when she's not here, I love everything about her - her voice, her beauty, her maturity (she made a mistake. I'm not going to hold it against her; she's still very mature.) her everything. She's perfect to me, and she says I'm perfect to her. Like I said - I can't find any reason not to love her and the mere thought of it being true, that I don't, the mere thought of me leaving her - both of those things HURT SO BADLY.

I of course don't want to hurt her either, but I still feel like I love her; I don't understand any of it. She's not in a bad mood, you got that wrong. She's not feeling negative because I've not let her know that I'm having these doubts and we've not had any sexual problems as of late. All of that is done with.

She still knows I'm going through some anxiety/depression issues, but when we're together, we still have a good time regardless of whatever's in my head because I'm not going to let it ruin the time we have together. She's doing quite well; I'm making her happy. I feel like if I didn't love her, the passion would not be there and she'd pick that up - but yet she hasn't, because I still show passion for her. I don't pull away from her, because I don't want to; I don't not kiss her or not hug her, because I don't want to; I don't turn away from her, because I don't want to. I don't want to do any of those things.

It seems like, to some extent, I'm doing this to myself rather than it actually being there; like I'm manifesting this stuff in my brain.

Also, no; my trust for her isn't shaken at this point. I trust her whole-heartedly.