[BillieJean00]

Worst things first... I have many chronic illnesses that at 23 yrs old frankly just suck, nothing terminal just painful. Which has bothered me for years... as a believer in karma I can't come to terms with the why me? what have I done to deserve to suffer daily?
Another thing is I have PTSD... though I feel as though I can say I am not effected by my past I suppose no person maintains full mental health after being molested by their biological father from ages 3 to 7.
But when I sink to my lowest I never blame the direction of my mood on those things... its normally brought on by the feeling of utter failure, so much so that I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. When I feel as though nothing I do is what was required of me... that the life I live will not get better and I am destined to skim the surface of the potential for better things.
As a child my mother had looked up to me, due to her own mental issues I was her rock. Imagine a 10 yr old girl having their mother tell you you were her role model? Who was I to look to? Granted she fueled me with so much love I cant ever complain about that. But as I got older and messed up every good opportunity that came my way and failed everyones expectations the pain in my mothers eyes brings tears to mine.
I am the caregiver always the first person to rush in and fix you and your problems and its always because its something i can not do for myself. One step forward to be thrown 10 steps back.
Please excuse my rant... theres so much to say and no guidelines to say them within. I just want to not feel lost. So those moments when I have to myself Im not looking at a life I hate. Or feeling as though Im someones cruel joke.

welcome.

i really hope you find a lot of support here on the site

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, BillieJean00!

Abuse, parentification, chronic illnesses... Please, your 'rant' is short; feel free to let more out as you feel comfortable.

Are you receiving any counseling or other help?

[BillieJean00]

I stopped going to counseling years ago. Just never have the time anymore. After my divorce I had hit rock bottom and was suicidal just lacked all drive and motivation, my primary doctor wanted me to be put into inpatient treatment. But due to lack of insurance I called over 20 places that refused me and I lost faith in the system. I was able to get myself passed that extreme low point. But only enough for me to say that I no longer feel that way every second of the day just periodically.