[ponekad]

so, i'm a 30yr old single female. this is my problem: my mom left my
dad&me when i was a baby and i didn't meet her until i was 14, and that
meeting was arranged upon me insisting. i never felt as if the two of
us really had a connection, we saw each other once a year after that,
and it'd usually revolve around her self-pitying herself and asking for
money. my dad is now 80, his brother (my uncle) is 85. the two of them,
brothers, they raised me. my mum died in a car accident 4 years ago.
so. mom was never there, and dad/uncle never loved me. never said they
did (what was actually said, repeatedly, was "you're here to take care
of us when we're old"). when i was a kid, i wanted to learn the piano,
they said they don't have the money. same as they said for everything
else. they wouldn't let me shower more than once a week because i was
using electricity to heat the water. other children at school made fun
of me stinking and so on. i bought my own books for school, clothes,
everything, since i was 14. from when i was 18 and onwards, right now
as well, i pay for half their bills. i live in a rented apartment, so you can guess this isn't easy for me to do.
they never cared about me, they just treated me as help. i cleaned
their apartment, bought their clothes and so on. they're also
alcoholics (because "they never had women in their lives because of me.
because they had to take care of me." - i don't know how they "took
care of me", since the only thing they gave me was a bed, and a huge
feeling of guilt and a feeling that i owe them for that bed).
when i was 12, i was sexually harassed by a relative, and my dad didn't
do anything. didn't talk to me about it, didn't send me to therapy
(which i wish he had). nothing.
as a kid, i tried really hard in all
ways to make them love me. i was a valedictorian in elementary and high
school. anyway. i've always liked helping people. this is probably why
i didn't leave them. i've read a fair amount of
psychology/psychoanalysis/spiritual books to be able to help people,
and i seem to be helping friends that talk to me, but i can't help
myself. because i don't really believe in anything. this has gotten to
the point where, when i was 24, i ended up in a relationship with a
severely depressed, highly intelligent and very self-destructive guy,
the relationship lasted for 3 years, during which time he stopped
taking antidepressives, got better, and then dumped me (while i was
pregnant) because "i was old & bitter". i was 27, he was 29 and in 2
weeks, he got a new girlfriend who was 21.
so, my question is - how do i stop destroying myself. people, as far as
i know, think of me as competent, tho unlucky because of coming from a
poor family, but "she'll make it".
no, she won't. i feel as if no one ever really loved me, i feel like i
don't know what to love about myself, i've lost all goals and dreams in
life, because it's been like 6-7 years since i last knew them... i have
no sense of self-worth. my soul is empty. nothing makes me happy. i'm
in a natural science college (almost done), i used to have this drive
to help the nature and the human kind in my work, but i've lost that as
well. i have no wants, no wishes. most days i feel like it'd be easiest
to kill myself, and i probably would have if i didn't feel the
obligation to at least stay alive until my parents die.
i engage in promiscuous behaviour, take drugs, basically do anything to
at least feel something sometimes. but, ofcourse, it fades quickly, and
all that's left is disgust and shame.
i don't have many friends, because i act asocial (when i'm not
drunk/under the influence, then i'm funny and the joker of the party),
i just feel terribly embarassed (for no particular reason, just for
being me) around people.
what do i do?

[jelly-bean]

You have had a very sad life and you certainly deserve so much more than that. The first thing you need to work on is learning to love yourself. You sound like a very nice loving, caring person but you don't know how to give yourself credit for that. Please try to stop the promiscuous behavior and the drinking. Neither of those things is doing you any good. The behavior you exhibit gives you a false sense of security in the situation that dissipates quickly when you get sober. You need to go to the mirror and really see the beautiful person that is looking back at you. Introduce yourself and get to know her. No one has ever shown you how beautiful and important you are in this world. Look into your state programs and see if you qualify for aid in paying for Therapy. I think you really need to start with that. Talk to your doctor and tell him/her how you feel and what you are doing. You may be able to get meds and a referral to therapy that you can get aid with. Try to get in touch with a good life away from all the people who are using you for their own means. You deserve a good life and love and you can find it. You are in my prayers.

[Dan12345]

My heart goes out to you. It seems you never had any parenting love. I think your self confidence isvery low and to be honest It's understandable. Your thinking is very negative to, have you tried cognitive theropy?

[ponekad]

thank you for your kind replies. no, i've never tried therapy (i certainly don't want meds, because i, after all, am a chemist and i know how they work and i have my reasons to be against them. i want to fix the things in my life, not make myself not feel them) - cognitive therapy might work. anyway, thank you.

[NDNOutlaw]

I don't want to diagnose but the fact that you're reaching out by telling your story is an act of courage. I commend you for doing this and for being here. I would hope you can find a safe and stable place and that you have the financial resources to provide for yourself. I hope you can find the help you need. A professional who knows what they're doing (they are not equally competent) would be a good start. It seems to me you've been receiving so many put downs. Easy to feel so small and unworthy after living this way. I find that being with people who listen and lift me up helps so much. Welcome the door is open.