[melstar]

Today is not a good day for me. My depression is getting the better of me. I got a text from my ex this morning saying that 'we are never going to get back together'. This after I was getting ready to write him a letter telling him how much I still love him and that I would go to the ends of the earth to prove that to him. He wrote me a letter the other day saying that I don't know how to love him the way he needs me to. I don't know what that means as I gave him my heart, and I worked everyday to show him how much I still love him. But my heart has been stomped on and shattered and I don't know what to do about it. I know that it is really selfish but all I can think about today is how it isn't worth living any more. I have been through so many challenges over the past year that I am just ready to give up. This divorce is just the last straw for me.
I left my AA meeting early because they were talking about sex and how it impacts your life and how many of the people have been married for 10+ years and how their sex lives have changed over the years because of AA. I just couldn't take it, everytime someone mentioned marriage it was like a knife to the heart. It just hurts so bad right now and I don't know what to do. My housemom tells me that I should talk to someone about it but I don't have the words to say.
Even better is that I relapsed on Friday, and if I say anything about it I risk it getting back to my house mom and then the possibility of getting kicked out is very real. This as I live in a sober living home, so relapse is kind of frowned upon. I mean I realized what i was doing before i finished the whole pint of beer but still. I have no other place to go, and this would really put a wedge in what my ex would allow me to do with my son. As it is he won't let me take him for christmas because he doesn't trust me, even though I planned to take him to my families holiday party so he can see his aunts and uncles and cousins. Not to mention he can spend time with me without his father being involved. I just feel so stuck right now.
My housemom is also telling me I have to do something about my medication which is running out. I tried to get them refilled but the request was denied. I have to get in with a psychiatrist but I have to see what my insurance will allow. I am going to call my therapist today and see if she can still get me into the day treatment program (PHP) but that entails her contacting my insurance again to get a single case agreement (the program and she is out of network), so that I can get into the program. I called her last week and left a message but she didn't return my call. So I will try again today. I am completely out of my antidepressants and have been for about a week. I don't have an appt to see my therapist until next friday, so I am in a major bind right now.
I feel so numb right now, but I feel my broken heart is going to lead me back to the bottle and I am scared of that.

[BillieJean00]

Well give yourself the credit in knowing that you messed up, and realizing that a mistake was made. You should look into mental health care centers in your area, they usually work on a sliding scale of your income. And in the future maybe see if you can get a larger quantity on your scripts.
It seems as though your ex and you aren't on the same page with things and because of that it may make you stronger to be able to get on your feet without him.
As you have said you have been through many challenges but you have made it through them, I understand that it wasn't easy and you are probably still not where you want to be but you have made it past the bottom. Look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself the pep talk you need. Recall all the crap and see that you have come further than where you were before and forward is still possible.
I will hope the best for you.

[Leed]

Honey ~ Okay -- you relapsed, now let it go. Forget about it. BUT -- you CANNOT do it again. You know where that's going to lead. You know that it's going to keep you from your son PERMANENTLY!!! Do you want that? NO! If you keep drinking, you won't be able to see your son AT ALL. Don't ruin this!

Not only that, but alcohol kills sweetie. I don't want you to die. Alcohol RUINS the liver. My son almost killed himself 4 months ago -- his liver stopped working TOTALLY, and he was in critical care for 2 months. In fact, they told us he was going to die. What saved him? No one seems to know!! He's home with me now -- he hasn't had a drink since he went into the hospital 4 months ago. He's still weak, but alot of that is inactivity. Do YOU want to end up like him?

I know you love your ex -- but evidently it's over sweetie. And no one ever died of a broken heart, and you won't either. Yes, it hurts and it hurts BADLY. But use the support of your AA group. TALK to them -- use the call list -- I hope you have one. Did they give you phone numbers to call if you were having trouble? USE THEM. Call another AA member and TALK to them. But PLEASE don't drink -- it does NOT solve any problems and only makes things ten times as bad.

I wish you the very best my friend. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[melstar]

Well just got out of a two day inpatient stay at the local hospital. That was alot of fun, my housemom took me to the ER to get my medications refilled, and I ended up in the psych unit. Needless to say I now have my medications refilled, or they will be shortly. I am also enrolled in the PHP program. I was supposed to start tomorrow (Thanksgiving day) but I told them I had plans with my family and I would like to start on Friday. They got huffy about it and said that I would rather sacrifice my recovery for Thanksgiving, and I told them yes I would rather sacrifice for family. So needless to say I am starting bright and early Friday morning, and I feel really guilty about not starting tomorrow. Yes I realize that I may have been spending my Thanksgiving in the hospital and if that was the case I would have had to cancel my plans for the day, but bottom line is that I am not and I don't want to spend the day alone, or in some classes w/o the family and dinner. Am I being selfish?? Should I have sacrificed my recovery for one day so that I can spend the day with my family?