[scflxp]

This year after saving money for two years, I was able to return to my favorite place ever: Disney.

Before the trip I was really excited, couldn't wait to get there. I made a countdown and everything. The first couple months took a while to pass, but then time just started flying by and that really started freaking me out, to the point that a month before the trip I couldn't believe it was real. Sometime around that that time, I started feeling sort of numb. I didn't notice how bad it was until I actually made it to Disney, sadly. I thought as it got closer it would feel real and I would feel fine, but nope.

The day finally came and it didn't seem real at all, it was like I wasn't going. I wasn't too worried, because I thought once I got there I would be fine.

Yeah, that did not happen. When I got there it was surreal, but not in a good way. I still couldn't believe I was there, it was like I was dreaming (again, not in a good way). It felt like it wasn't happening to me. In addition to that, it was like I couldn't feel happiness. I wanted to be there, I did NOT want to go back home (I live in a different country and really dislike it), but I didn't feel that overwhelming happiness I used to always feel, even when I was travelling to other less nice places I didn't care so much about. I wanted to do things and if something was extremely cool or funny I would laugh/smile, but it was like I couldn't feel the good feelings all the way. The only things I felt easily and fully were sadness and anger, whenever something negative happened.

Also, sense of time was still skewed, it was going by too fast and that made me freak out even more. So of course that started making me really sad, because I knew I only had 2 weeks there and then it was back to real life and who knows when I'll be able to go back. Certainly not before another year when I can get time off from work again, and that's if I can afford it.

I know, first world problems, right. Anyway, the destination is not the biggest issue.

Problem is, other than the fact that I'm upset that it feels like I didn't even go on this trip I dreamed of taking for over two years, is that once I came back, EVERYTHING pisses me off. Everything that's "wrong", that is. And I happen to think there are a lot of things wrong here so...

And I still feel numb. I don't feel like doing anything. I mean, I do feel like doing some things, but just to pass time mostly. There's no excitement, no looking forward to anything...no being happy that I'm doing something I enjoy.

But anger, resentment, envy, sadness, etc. Those I can feel easily and 100%.

Also, the thing that is perhaps what I miss the most: before I went on this trip, from the time I was a little kid, smells would trigger pretty vivid memory/feelings. Pictures/video too, I could look at pictures and videos from previous trips and for a few moments, feel like I was there or remember what it felt like to be there. Even seeing other people's pictures and videos would make me happy/excited and remind me of the places I visited and the good times I had. Smells would do that too. Many smells, and many moments. Even things that happened many many years ago.

I have always had that even during the years I was pretty much unable to leave my house due to panic, anxiety, agoraphobia, depression.

I had been fine for many years before the trip however. And this past year I was actually at my best. I would hardly ever get angry, things would just roll off my back. I was able to completely ignore all the things I think are ugly here and everything I think is wrong. I mean, I would notice, and sometimes be aware of it and think it was wrong, but mostly in passing.

So now I'm really confused and upset. I don't feel the same way I did all the times I have been depressed many years ago - I don't feel overwhelmingly sad and feel like crying all the time. But I feel numb and unable to actually feel happy. Sometimes, even on the trip, I could feel a little glimpse of it, but it was like when you have a cold and you barely have your sense of smell. You can faintly smell something but it's so little that you have to really focus on it to notice.

I know this is huge and if you took the time to read everything, thank you so much. I'm just hoping someone will have some insight to offer. What is this, has this happened to anyone else, how do I fix it?

I went to a therapist and talked to her about this, I have been going to her for like, 4 years. But she was not very helpful. She did not know what exactly I have or why it happened. She said it could have been because I was too excited about the trip and there was too much dopamine being released or something like that. And that most people would get anxiety and panic in that situation, but I ended up getting derealization/depersonalization and that once I got back to "real life" and my routine, dopamine levels would go back to normal and I would feel normal again. Or I could take some low dose Xanax to help with that. I opted to wait, because what mattered the most to is gone already so there's no rush. The feeling that things weren't real is gone, but all the other described above are still here, same as before.

[whenwillitend]

i'm sorry you couln'dt enjoy your trip to disney. i've never been there, but it's a dream of mine, taking the kids there.
anyway, has anything in your meds changed? I felt like that, the surreal feeling, after they doubled my lithium. i had to go bcak to my old dose.

i can relate to certain smells/pictures/sounds/whatever triggering memories, good and bad. i had a bad childhood, but i have this picture in my bedroom, and i know i've seen it before, but i don't remember where, but it gives me this sense of security, safety, happiness. for years i've been trying to figure out where i have seen tha tpicture, where that connection is. no success so far.

i wish i could be of any more help.

[scflxp]

Thank you so much for replying.

I'm not on any meds, I have never taken any. I know for sure I was 100% fine about a couple of months or so before the trip. I don't know exactly when this started, I only really noticed when I was there. I wouldn't have noticed I wasn't enjoying things like I should because I almost never do anything REALLY exciting here. It's mostly just normal stuff.

It's been almost a month since I'm back from the trip. At first I felt like I was improving some, now I'm definitely going the other way. I'm starting to actually feel sad and depressed so maybe that's what I have. Why, I have no idea, I should have been beyond excited during the trip and for months after while I enjoyed the memories I made and saw the pictures, videos, etc.

Not that I hated the trip, but I felt mostly numb. And while I remember most things that happened, it's like they didn't happen to me, there are no feelings attached.

Maybe I should just go to a psychiartist and just take meds. I thought this forum would be a good place to ask for help and talk, because I find talking about it helps some, but it seems like there aren't a lot of posters here and I guess in my problem isn't serious enough, even though I feel like crap. I guess I need to find an alternative.

Thanks again for trying to help.

[Salvatore27]

Dear scflxp..Wow! the stuff you described is so alike the situation I am going through..I had a terrible and horrific childhood too..I was used as a punching bag by kids at school and my self esteem was literally torn apart...Those days I had very strong emotions I nearly cried everyday..had a very vivid imagination, even talked a lot to myself making up imaginary friends...Nowadays though I feel like I have lost all feeling...There is no sense of happiness or joy in absolutely anything that I do...I have recently moved to an area where I had a gr8 time when I was 24...but 3 years later since I moved I feel nothing when I walk around that same place... I even look at my old home and then I expect maybe I will have some memories and feel some emotion...but I get nothing simply nothing out of it...I feel scared about this....I go to work and meet people I would've run miles away from If I was younger...but now I meet so many of them and I have talked to them for over a year and not once have I had any thought about them when I return back home...I am simply devoid of feelings...I also tried some low dose Xanax and when I have it the feelings do surge in me...but only till the effect of the medicine is within my body....hope I was able to give you some comfort be sure to share anything you have in mind...