[Christina86]

I wonder what the heck I'm doing lately.

I'm barely eating, and either sleeping too much or too little (when I don't sleep a lot though, its hard to explain. Its like I'm hyper and my brain won't shut off even though my body is tired)

My moods are fluctuating in all the wrong directions and I'm winding up hurting people who are only trying to help me. Its not their fault, they try to be nice and help, saying that they are always there to listen. I said I'm not worth it, and now I'm afraid I hurt their feelings but I can't apologize. Its how I feel, no matter how cognitively distorted.

My new T is out of town next week and back the week after just to leave for three months for vacation. So I get to start AGAIN with someone new. She asked me if I needed to continue to see someone... What am I supposed to say? I can't say no, I'm afraid of what would happen if I don't have someone there to help. If I say yes though... I'm admitting defeat and saying I can't entirely help myself. Which sucks, because thats the mentality I've always had. I hate asking for help, its already thrust upon me because of the #(&$@ disability.

People are all telling me what to do (which is in my best interest, because I can barely make my own decisions lately)... but they ALL GIVE ME DIFFERENT *#&$*&@ ADVICE.

Lets tell Christina that she should move out of her current room with her toxic roomate and into another room. Or lets tell Christina to talk to her roomate and see if she can convince her to change. Or lets have her talk to her roomate and if she doesn't change, to move out. Or lets say to tough it out and just stay with the current roomate, but just to avoid her.

If you're not happy in university, you should drop out and go to college. If you're not happy in university, you should change degrees. If you're not happy in university you should just tough it out because it will get better.

(Those two, BTW are what is frustrating me the most right now).

I really just want to crawl into bed now and pretend like these problems will resolve themselves. But they won't. And I can't keep doing what I'm doing, because I'm already miserable enough. Keep pushing, and I'll fall over the edge and just disappear. I'll hide away until I feel well enough to come out, but I don't know how long that will be.

Its not supposed to be my job to care about other people and to help them solve their own problems. (What I was just told today). Just supposed to take care of myself. But why do I wind up feeling lousy when I do that?

I need my mask to protect myself, but the only way people are going to figure out how much all this junk is bothering me is by taking it down. Why does it have to be so darn hard?

/end venting.

[Rhapsody]

Take the mask off and let some one know the truth.... then you can put it back on if and when you need, but with caution - as not to wear it every day.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

When I get like this I toss everything everyone has told me and think about what I WANT to do not what THEY think I SHOULD do.

Shoulds are ok for some people but not everyone. For example when I had a broken foot I had the DHS case worker pushing me with her "you should be able to make it to this meeting just fine other people with broken bones have no problem attending meetings with their broken bones. DHS does not have transportation funds other than the bus and you already have that. no I will not pay for a taxi you should be exercizing anyway with all that fat on you so you can walk from the bus stop to the meeting"

Normally I would have agreed with her but there I was on doctors orders to stay off my foot. A week before this conversation she had stopped my authorization for a bus pass through DHS and the nearest bus stop from where my child and I were recieving family therapy in another town was a half hour walk walking distance. Being in crutches and medal foot casting that walking distance took me an hour to do. So how was I supposed to follow doctors orders and the case workers oders and also be at family therapy in another town on time?

I could not please them all. So I threw everything out. I did some research and found out that DHS DID have other transportation funds for their clients use. So I used some of my budget set aside for food and used that for the taxi that I knew I needed. I would be no good to my child if I did not attend that meeting and I would not be any good for my child and myself if my foot didnt heal. When I paid the taxi I got a reciept. I submitted the reciept and a detailed budget of my income and bills to the caseworkers supervisor. The caseworker was royally PO'ed because I went by taxi and went above her head. But the end result was her supervisor authorized a food voucher AND authorized the use of the taxi until my medical transportation application went through.

When my child was home anddistroying property and harming me I had The caseworker telling me to step up and be the parent set rules, but yet when I did she thought those rules were too strict even though my childs therapist ok'ed them. I had the police telling me that parents can spank their children with three slaps on a clothed butt with an open hand and that I really should find a different therapeutic school for my child because the plan my child and I had to go by was unreasonable, and I had the therapeutic school telling me don't stop my childs bad behavior put him in time out and if he is acting out don't physically stop him not even to grab his hands to prevent myself from getting punched hit and so on. I was to let him do his bad behaviors and I was to get away and lock myself in my bedroom or bathroom until his temper tantrums ended. In this situation I could not please them all. I eventually reaized this and started protecting myself by not allowing my child to hurt me. Instead when I recognized he was starting to wind up I dialed my therapist voicemail and let him talk on it as long as he wanted to.

Basically you have to decide what is right for you and then do that. All the shoulds and have to's are great advice but when they conflict it results in disaster. So in those cases go with your gut not the should's and have to's.