Feeling Worthless

So I havent put up a comment i ages.

As much as I'd like to say it's because I feel better, it's not.

Actually, I started feeling rubbish but as if there is something I can do.

Acting.

I go to a workkshop every few weeks to lead up to one 3 day run per year. It's something I've never feel confident on, but it's something I enjoy (as much as I can enjoy life).

This year we are doing a play with only 4 parts. The parts have basically been cast. I'm an extra. So anyone can be an extra. Theres no point in me.

As much as I've been struggling to go on, I've always had one thing to cling to. Now that's gone. And I'm back. I have nothing. The one thing I may have been "talented" on is gone. And now I really have nothing.

I so dont know what to do.. But i cannot see anyone...doctors or councillers. In the past i've seen a counciller. It doesnt help. And i cannot go to the doctors. I hate doctors. Feck.

Sorry for coming back and venting. Hope youre all alright. I kinda hope I hear from you to make sure you're all alright, but I'd kinda like it if you werent on here because you were much much better.

Loves xxx

Music Rules Me!

As much as I'm glad to see you post, I regret the despair with which you struggle. Have you had any more panic attacks?

It's looks like you're trying to find "worth" in external things but that will never work. A person's worth has nothing to do with what they're good at. I suppose it's pretty subjective but if anything people will judge you for who you are as a person and not what you're good or bad at. I think you're making unrealistic expectations for yourself. You can't expect to be perfect or good at everything. No one is.

There are times when you will mess up. You WILL mess up. A LOT. BUT that's normal. What's important is that you like what you do and you do your best at it. And if you do mess up you shouldn't take it hard. You did your best, you had fun and you'll do better. But if you do everything as some sort of way of proving yourself then you're not going to have good feelings either way. You won't be depressed because you failed. You'll be depressed because you didn't reach some unacceptable standard you set for yourself. In other words you're setting yourself up for emotional and physical failure before you even begin to act.

So don't be hard on yourself. Stop trying to prove something to yourself and just be in the moment. Act simply because you enjoy it. You don't need any other reason.

I have panic attacks fairly often, but nowadays I can kinda control them a little more. If I take myself away from the public and be by myself, I can calm myself enough to breathe. So I suppose that's a good thing.

But to be honest, my awful mood isnt being helped by some terrible family news today. It's just too much for me to be dealing with. I hate emotions.