[Ohlostme]

I couldn't get to sleep last night -- couldn't turn off my head. One worrisome or disturbing or angry thing after another kept popping into my head. I finally got up and came out into the living room (at 3AM) and sat on the computer for a while. I always know I'm depressed when insomnia sets in. Got out of bed this morning very cranky. Yelled at the cats (poor things). Been doing that a lot lately.

Had the runs again today (AGAIN) - another symptom I get when I'm depressed. Been crying on & off, too.

The thing is, I feel more angry than depressed...with a touch of despair thrown in, just to keep things interesting. I'm taking L-Tyrosine, GABA, 5-HTP and SAM-E. They DO help me to feel a "bit" better, not as overtly depressed, but still...

It's the heat, and being stuck in California, and learned helplessness, and unemployment, and wrenching my back every 2 weeks, and...and...and...

The eternal question, of course, being -- WHEN DOES ANYTHING EVER GET BETTER?????????? I'm not getting any younger. I don't have all the time in the world! It's not like I'll be depressed or angry for a while, and then get better and I can have the time back that I lost being upset. Once these days, weeks, months, years are consumed by anguish and over with, they're gone. Sand through the hour glass.

I bought a wall hanging at the Ren Faire years ago. It seems to describe my life. I'll bet other people can relate to it, too. It says:
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Some thing to be got through first, some unfinished business; time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that those obstacles were my life."

Sigh...

((((((((((ohlostme)))))))))))))

Just wanted to support you during a time when it is so hard to believe in change.

[(JD)]

(((hugs))))) depression tells us lies.

[VAQUERALOCA]

Sorry you're feeling so down. I feel exactly the same way you do right now and in fact I have felt like that for a few years with not much relief. I wish I knew some magic tip to give you so you could feel better, But I dont know of any. I wish there was something, anything, we could do to not believe the lies we tell ourselves. I haven't found out how and I'm still convinced that I am hearing the truth. I believe my distorted thoughts from depression about myself and that just makes everything worse but how do you not believe what seems so true? I'm trying to just take deep breaths when I have a bad thought and I'm having so many I'm afraid I'll hyperventilate from all those deep breaths........ LOL ......... but again, breeeaaathheeee . gotta keep trying........ you gotta keep trying too. Maybe together through talking about these things we can help each other through them........

[Ohlostme]

And to reiterate -- WHEN DOES ANYTHING EVER GET BETTER?????????? -- today I had to leave my car at the garage to get it fixed. (The brakes were making the most SCARY noise! ) Now I'm going to be left with no transportation to go anywhere on the 4th of July. I'll be stuck inside in 90+ degree heat.

It's amazing to me how many things can go wrong, continuously, and how few things seem to go right. Sigh... And I wonder why I can never seem to feel better. Gawd.

[Ohlostme]

What a horrid day. Crying on & off all day, sitting in my apartment, sweating, depressed, bored. I hate holidays. It wasn't even all about not having transportation to go anywhere and do anything. I'm just stuck in a poor, poor pitiful me funk. I had the tv on all day. I kept seeing people (like Oprah) who have had so many blessings lavished on them, and all I can think of is...where's mine? I've been a good person who's had to endure more crap than most people ever do in a lifetime. And I've done that without becomming a serial killer, hooker, drug pusher as a result. And, for what? I've survived all this crap just so I can go on and have more dumped on me, later? What's THAT about? I know there are no rewards, and life is unfair, but does it always have to be THIS unfair???

Somebody on some show was carrying on about their father, and all I could think of is "what's that like?" I never had a father. Never even met him. Most people take having parents for granted. Or siblings. I can't conceive of having a brother or sister. My father deserted my mother before he could knock her up again. Now, at 56, I'm alone. Some people never have to be alone in their whole lives. I've never been married, no kids. Do you know what my old age is going to be like (if I have one)? ALONE alone. I hope I won't be a poverty case, but if history is any indication...

Then there's rich ol' Oprah. I wonder what's it's like to be so rich you can have anything you want, live anywhere you want? It's not even envy (no, it really isn't). I've always been bothered by the chasm between the haves and the have-nots. (I've been on the have-not side most of my life) It's the unfairness. I know nobody said the world was fair, but to have it be SOOO unfair! I find myself less and less able to tolerate the injustice of it, the older I get. I'm SICK of deprivation!!!! Some of the worst people I've ever known in this lifetime have had so much just handed to them, while I've just had to sit and watch and feel like there's never a God (for me).

Today, I'm worried about the car (how much it's going to cost to fix, whether or not my car vandalizing neighbor had anything to do with what's wrong with it THIS time...), and I'm feeling VERY deprived, sad, worried about the future. Not at ALL in a holiday celebration state of mind.

I need to cry again...

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))) ...and even Oprah isn't married.

[Ohlostme]

Well, my car repair is going to cost $595. OUCH!!! And me living on unemployment. I had a little savings, but, between the skin cancer surgery and now this...I'd better find work FAST.

I feel another crying jag coming on.