Lost soul..

Recently I lost a loved one, I was actually cheated on in a relationship after two years to be more specific. In that two year time period I went through several traumatic events with my now (ex). One of those being the loss of a child through pregnancy. It tore us to pieces and we couldn't cope well being so young, I was 19 at the time and she 17. At the same time we lived in an abusive household with two drug addicts. Altercations happened daily and everyone was on edge. But we toughed this out and stayed happy together regardless of all of these problems.. But, a few months back I had left to visit my family in another state and planned on coming back for her birthday but things didn't turn out well, she decided that was the best opportunity to leave me. Her only reason for doing so was simply, "our past was to much." After that I tried several times to take my life and almost succeeded. I spent a week in a psych ward to collect myself.

My question is how can someone you love so much leave you with no reason, is it due to the traumatic events we went through and she just decided to build up a wall and push me away? or was I the problem? I can't seem to cope with this and feel it is all my doing. I can't sleep at night and I suffer from severe panic attacks and have also picked up a drug habit. I seem to search for answers that can't be answered, if that makes sense. I'm suffering severely from this and I feel there's no hope for anything. All I want is my old life with her back but I can't grasp that it's over.

it sounds to me like everything you two went through together was just too much "baggage" in the end. and especially the loss of a child must be incredibly traumatic, for both of you. maybe she just couldn't take being reminded of that loss anymore. (i'm so sorry about your loss.) maybe she felt she needed a fresh start. leave all that behind.

all those are just guesses, of course there is no way for me to know the reason for what she did.

it does sound like you need some professional help, like you need help getting through the grieving process. do you have a therapist? or is there any way you could find one?

Lost,

Even well established, long term marriages can be torn apart by the loss of a child. We just aren't supposed to outlive our children, and when it happens, its so inconceivable and painful that sometimes the marriage just can't survive it.

I don't think you did anything wrong. There are a host of reasons why she may have left you. The relationship was probably over for her long before she left you. If its a one sided loss of love, or ability to cope, the partner still in love may not see the signs. Especially living under the conditions that you were. With so much stress and upheaval in the household, I would imagine it was hard to see anything. Everyone would have been used to constant anger, fear and depression. She may have cheated on you because she still wanted human closeness, but in an enviornment and with a person that didn't remind her of the death of your baby. When she left, you were blind sided by something you probably never saw coming. That isn't an excuse, just an observation.

You need to find a way to move on, which I would assume is something you are trying to sort out. If you try to hold on to the relationship or keep looking for some rationale as to why she left, its going to wear you down to the quick and your life is going to just fly by you. One day you'll turn around and realize that you are years older and still stagnating in emotional hell.

My ex left with my then toddler son back to her home state fifteen years ago. We had been together for nine years prior to that. I couldn't get over the loss of my son in my life and kept going over and over why I didn't see things sooner, why I kept forgiving her emotional abuse when she would appologize and then do the same thing the following week. Because they are so far away and all my memories of my son as that toddler are intermingled with abuse etc., I still can't look at pictures of my son. Not old ones or new ones. When I go to visit, I get physically ill, losing several pounds in the week I spend there, even if I don't have to directly deal with my ex. It takes two to three months to recover after I get back. Emotionally and physically I'm a wreck. Its not my son's fault, I love him very much and we e-mail all the time, but because I never moved on, never put the abuse and divorce behind me, I've tainted the one good thing that came out of the marriage. My relationship with my son.

That isn't a direct parallel to your situation, but rather an example of how damaging a loss can be if you don't deal with the fallout. You will probably never truly understand what happened, no matter how much soul searching you do. Somehow, you have to make peace with yourself, move on and allow yourself to love and trust again.

Sam2