I don't know

I really don't. I feel like I need someone to talk to, but the few I would talk to are asleep or not available or whatever.

I have a paper and presentation due tomorrow. I am utterly incapable of working on it. I'm listening to music to keep me sane, to keep me from hurting myself again. Nothing much, just some shallow cuts and a bit of head bashing. Yeah, that's nothing much. I'm slightly worried the cuts will get deeper; then again, I don't care much right now. I keep thinking about jumping from a height, or tripping on the stairs, or breaking glass with my fists, or whatever else. I can't take it anymore. I keep thinking about suicide, but I can't go through with it, because of my concern for the people it would hurt, so it remains just a thought. I keep thinking about going to hospital, but I don't know what good that would do.

I'm going to see if I can get incomplete grades and get more time to finish things. If not, maybe a late withdrawal. Otherwise, I'm set for failure.

I can't deal with anything anymore. It's been wearing down on me. I don't know if the medication is making this worse than it would be otherwise. It just gets worse and worse. The depression isn't going away. But I don't want to be weak and give in. I'm the strong one, I'm the one trying to hold this family together, to take care of everyone. Take your medication, take it easy, calm down, listen to me, stop yelling.... I feel like I'm a caregiver for my parents and siblings all together. And the depression on top of that. The anxiety. The intrusive thoughts. The urge to hurt myself.

I'm just blabbering on and on. I'm a dumb f*** who should just shut the f*** up. F***ing bigoted racist lying hypocritical b******. Can't even f***ing swear, I have to censor myself, can't swear out loud. Might be cathartic if I could. Maybe that's why I can't.

I just hate myself so god**** much. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve anyone reading this. I'm just f***ing wasting everyone's time, as usual. Being a f***ing pain in the ***.

I should stop now.

I'm so sorry that you're in this much pain. You are definitely NOT a waste, and you DO deserve to live!

So should you go to the hospital? I think that you should, honestly. I personally don't have expierience with hospitals, but if you are having those thoughts, I urge you to go. Your LIFE is what is important. The most important thing. I know that school is important to you. But in order to fulfill those responsibilites as a student, you have to take care of yourself. And you aren't weak if you have to sit back for a minute and catch your breath. It makes you human.

I really hope that I don't come across as "preach-y." I only say this because when I was at university and feeling the way you do now, I wish I had someone in my life that had told me that. When I read your post I thought, "that was me, 10 years ago." I wish I had gone to the hospital back then. Can you maybe call your T and tell them exactly what you wrote here? They can give you a definite answer.

I can really relate to some of the things you said in that post. I neglected to tell anyone the truth about my depression and substance abuse for 3 years due to the fact that I felt unworthy of anyone's time and help that I needed, and that nature had predetermined me to fail at life.

I began to come to the realization that, no matter who you are, or what you have done - people do care. You ARE worthy of peoples time and effort, your problems ARE real and although it's hard to come to grips with that and you may believe others don't understand but your thought process sounds so similar to mine and when I finally managed to talk about the truth I had hidden everybody seemed to understand when I had convinced myself nobody would, after doing it just once I felt such a lifted weight and felt so driven to make up for everything I had done wrong.

What I think you need (If you don't mind me saying so) is someone to sympathize with how you feel and to fill you with the positive reinforcement that you deserve that you are capable of doing anything you want to.

Thanks guys. I talked to a friend of mine online last night, and I felt somewhat better. I've been feeling the worst at night, so today is better.

I have an appointment with my counsellor today. I saw him yesterday, and I was kinda bad then. My advisor isn't here today, so I can't ask about getting incomplete grades.

Class is starting. I'll let you guys know what happens later.

please do

hope you're well

I saw my counsellor. I feel so weak and out of energy right now. Anyway, he told me to e-mail my advisor and psychiatrist. I didn't feel like doing anything. So he e-mailed my psychiatrist and the psychiatrist said his secretary will call me later. As for my advisor, I have to do that, ask for incomplete grades. I have to get the motivation to do that and realize that the e-mail does not have to be a perfect work of art.

I'm going to start my next class soon, the one the paper was due for. I'm going to tell her I'm in no state to do anything and that I'm seeking an incomplete. I don't exactly look like I'm jumping for joy, anyway.

I don't think I can go to that engagement tonight. I don't like things like that anyway. We'll see if I can put on a happy face.

How are you feeling today, Bark?

Slept early, woke up for several hours, then slept again. Felt like I had no energy when I got up. Didn't feel like doing anything. But I ended up getting up, seeing my family, watching a movie. It was nice, but I felt like I couldn't really enjoy it. Decided not to stay with family this weekend, so I came back to dorms. I want to sleep before the depression hits hard; I want to escape it. Now it's just an utter lack of motivation and care.

I mentioned the incomplete business to my dad. It affected him way more than I wanted to. I don't think he understands just what depression means. I asked if he wanted to talk to my counsellor. I asked my counsellor if he could call him. Maybe he can explain it better. I feel like it's all I can do to keep myself awake and alive. Piling the stress of studying on top is just too much for me to bear right now.

Everything seems so dreamlike. What have I done to myself... why did I just give up like this.... Ah, my counsellor got back to me, he's going to call.

I just remembered talking to him yesterday, it was kind of funny. He's a sarcastic guy, like me, and he joked about the security coming to take me kicking and screaming to the hospital. I told him I wouldn't be kicking and screaming. He said I would be. Made me smile a bit. Sad thing is I half-wanted to be carried away, and I said as much.

I always talk too much. In real life, too. I like mentioning every detail, especially to people I trust. I like stories. Everything is a story. So I guess I get caught up in narrating mine.

I'll have a look at it when I decide to lift up my laptop, plug it in, and turn it on. It being a large thing with a practically dead battery doesn't help. I'll see if I can persuade myself. Thanks.

Ah darn it, I did send it to the wrong e-mail. I should've checked. I might have ruined everything for her. Why did I have to be so lazy... I've been watching the e-mail errors come in and doing nothing about it. I hate myself so much right now. Now I'm actually going to lift up my laptop.

Bark, I'm sorry to see you're stuck in the thick of the depression at the moment. It sounds like your counselor really cares and is trying to help you. Sometimes it's very hard to call a truce with yourself and just be the calm, inquisitive, whimsical, creative, compassionate person we all are way down deep inside - the part of us that's permanent and patiently waits for us to come around again. You write very well - is that what you're studying? If not, I'm sure your writing skills come in handy in whatever your going for. Peace.

Thanks. I tend to see it more negatively, but I have to admit I'm at least good with grammar and vocabulary. Nice thing is I don't have to worry about those things on here. With papers, if it's not perfect in my head, I'm physically incapable of writing it.

I'm actually pursuing a degree in psychology in the hopes that I will eventually be a clinical psychologist. Papers are a big part of the degree. I am incredibly interested in the subject, though, and I hope to go into research and practice, help start up some much needed services in this country, like outpatient places.... Lots of ideas, but I feel like I'll never get there. If I don't have the grades, if I'm not mentally stable, if I can't write essays, if I can't manage.... I try not to think about it. Lucky people whose only concerns are procrastination and laziness.

Thanks, NoCake. It's a good scene, that. I think I'll play it again.

And of course I catastrophized and thought I ruined everything for her. It was fine. See, it's my worry for other people that gets me out of bed. Not myself.

Bark, thanks for the reply. You have very cool plans - I'm a little jealous. I ended up writing for a living, but it sure isn't anything I'd planned on. (the biology degree in the '80s didn't get me anywhere ). You said you can't write if it isn't just what you want. That can block you. I've spent days at work just staring at my computer unable to focus enough to start on anything - and part of it is thinking I won't get it right so why bother. Fortunately, no one notices me enough to see how unproductive I've become, and I somehow still manage to meet my deadlines, so I still have the job. Sometimes when I can just get a start on something the words start coming (from somewhere) & I can go back later & fix the goofy stuff I started with.

It sounds like you're strongly interested in your subject - please try to think more about trying to enjoy your curiousity instead of focusing on the frustration caused by the depression. I bet you have a lot you can share and achieve.

That first paragraph sounds like me. I can stare at a screen for hours to no avail. However, if I manage to get something out, I can usually go off that. The last two papers I submitted were half-finished and pretty bad (that's what happens when you only start being able to break through at the last minute), but I did get grades, and not failing ones.

I am really interested; that's how I found PsychCentral. I might have created an account in 2008, but I made my first post last summer. I am genuinely interested in learning more about people, and I am somewhat certain about what I want to achieve. For instance, I want to go into clinical psychology, not counselling or social work or other fields.

But I feel like I'll never end up achieving anything. If only I could read all the things I want to. Some of my textbooks are great. I want to read them properly sometime. Sit and indulge in them. Someday.

Oh my, I like your counselor's vibe :-).

Listen, you have NOT given up. I've had to take incompletes on a couple classes because I was so whacked up and out. It's a for real valid option. I got the stuff done and life went on. Good for you for considering that option. LOTS of people get stuck and need to do that.

People who have not suffered the hell of depression have no clue. I hear you. Hang in there. If you think an inpatient stay might help, hey, go for it. I have a nuclear-level paranoia of inpatient, so can't comment on that. But I hear you.

I'll keep saying it: I have given up on understanding myself. My moods, at least.

How I could go from how I was feeling to thinking everything's great and not understanding why I was so depressed.... The hypomania looks like it's back. Slightly, at least. Long, long overdue. I don't know whether I'm bipolar or if it's all due to the meds, but at least I can look forward to feeling great. And the shift happened so suddenly as well. Hours before I didn't feel like getting out of bed and had no energy at all. Now I've finally washed my dishes and I'm eating cereal. If it wasn't before dawn I'd do laundry and shower and such too.

Thanks guys, really. When I was depressed, I literally could not think outside of it. It amazes me how much of a control it has on me; it amazes me even more that I can't fully comprehend how I felt now that I feel better.

I'm going to take it easy and get those incompletes. I'm worried that this mood shift will be short-lived, and I don't want to stress myself and risk that. Maybe I'll see my psychiatrist sooner and work things out (I have an appointment for the 21st). Then again, he might be fully booked. I don't know when I'll get my papers and exams done, but I need to take it easy. I think I'll be able to study for one exam (should be pretty easy, relatively), and maybe manage another. But I'll need to read the texts I haven't read, and write a final essay, and prepare for a written exam. Maybe he'll be able to accomodate me a little. How, I'm not sure. But he's already been incredibly understanding. I should see if he's around on Monday and set out a plan for tackling my assignments. Then again, he might not be around. I could always e-mail him, though.

Thanks everyone, again. Here's hoping this new mood lasts, and I hope all of you feel better soon as well, if you're going through tough times. It's a horrible, horrible feeling, depression.

Hi Bark,

I'm a university professor and I get requests for accommodation due to depression and/or other mental illnesses all the time. I know not everyone is as empathetic as I am (I do have a mental illness after all!), but many are. Don't hesitate to ask for accommodation and also don't worry much about the incompletes. Several of my students have them and go on to do precisely what they want, whether it's professional degrees or graduate studies or work after their undergrad.

Good luck with the assignments!

RJ