Can't do this anymore

I'm a 25 year old mother of one and have been depressed and anxious since i was very young.
The depression and anxiety is now so bad I dont talk to anyone and I only leave the house to go to work...as you can imagine this is very problematic as I have a young daughter. Had CBT treatment and been taking SSRIs for years.

Have a real problem with social stuff, everything about socialising makes me anxious. I also have pretty bad body dysmorphic disorder, I've had several plastic surgeries which have all gone very wrong. Two previous nose jobs which have left me with a asymmetrical nose. I also had breast surgery which I was happy with, but I have developed a severe and painful complication which means I will have to remove my implants. So my failed surgeries have added hugely to my depression....I worked so hard to save for cosmetic surgery but for me it's gone wrong.

Everytime I do go out I feel horrified by my appearance, have tried for the last 5 years to ignore the bad feelings about my appearance but it is hard....I have been unable to go out with my partner for a majority of the time. I do not let my partner near me...we basically have no relationship at all.

Which brings me on to the next thing, my partner has been horrible to me about this depression. He says he is fed up with me being depressed and apparently I have dragged him down and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. I sit and cry hysterically and he doesn't even comfort me...he is very cold towards me. I have told him this and he hasn't changed. He has told me to go and jump off a bridge before after I told him how I did not want to go on feeling this way anymore...

I've begged my mum to talk to me as i'm so desperate but she tries to ignore me and refuses to talk as she says you can snap out of depression. Appre
It's been six years since i've had a close friend to talk to...I have no one fo confide in.

In addition to this I have pretty serious health problems. My GP referred me to a neurologist last year as she was concerned about my feet...my symptoms started getting more obvious after the birth of my daughter. I have seen several doctors and specialists who are all very sure I have a rare genetic condition. They were testing me for some scary genetic disorders (Genetic Ataxias etcs.) but I was lucky that they now believe my conditon is not life threatening...I was very scared at first and cried a lot, but again, my partner offered me little support, in fact, he was quite cold towards me at times. My condition is genetic and progressive so it basically means my arms and legs will progressively get weaker and stiffer until it gets to the point of making walking very difficult, so basically it quite often ends up with disability. I have already had some episodes of being unable to walk and my limbs are deformed due to the muscles not working properly. I feel so unfeminine as I cannot wear pretty shoes or high heals as my feet are too weak. I also cannot wear pretty dresses which or anything which shows my ankle as I have muscle wasting and it looks terrible. This makes me feel even uglier.

Overall I feel like a terrible failure, I feel bad for my daughter as she has a depressed anxious mother. My other half says if he split up he is going to try and take my daughter full time. This angers me as I have put in most of the effort with our child...I'm the one who has got up every single night with her and she wants me when she is upset....she just wants her mummy. What if my partner does get my daughter? She is going to be so distraught without her mummy there Terrified.

Another real concern I have is that I have passed this condition on to my daughter, this is a real concern, I am seeing a genetic specialist who has advised there is a 50% chance that my daughter has this condition. Unfortunately some people are starting to notice some subtle signs that my daughter may have this condition I am probably not able to have anymore children because of this.

The depression is overwhelming, how do I deal with clinical depression with the added thing of real problems and worries. Can't take anymore.

I have been to my GP lots and am waiting for another referrel for therapy or something. I'm already on SSRIs.

(((mummy1))),

Oh hun, I am so sorry that you have not been able to get the support you need with all of this. Your husband sounds very cold and only concerned about "himself". Your mother obviously is "ignorant" about the fact that you are really "challenged" right now. Her advice of "just snap out of it" is truely a solid expression of her "ignorance" .

I think that your effort to find a good therapist is important, you do need someone who can "validate" your challenge and help you to find "more positive" ways of thinking and developing a plan where you can get the care and help/support you need.

If you do have a debilitating condition, you may be able to get on an asistance program, and that is something a good therapist can help you with as well.

You really need to make an effort to make sure you don't keep convincing yourself to "expect the worst". A good therapist can also help you with that and there may be things you can do that you are just not aware of right now.

Welcome to PC, there are alot of very supportive members here who "know the challenge" of feeling alone and having no sense of direction. Try your best to "keep your chin up" and reach out, find a therapist and a path towards finding the help and support you need.

A therapist "can" meet with your mother and explain to her that "you can't "just" snap out of this and that if she is "more supportive" she can help you, rather then continue on her path of "ignorance". I have had to have my therapist help me with this too, and it has made a difference in my not feeling so alone and lost.

(((Welcoming Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Bless your heart. You do have some big issues confronting you don't you!!!

Your partner is a very selfish man, and very cold and unfeeling too. Shame on him for not supporting you. If it were him that was facing all this, he would be whining and crying for your support. You wouldn't have a moment's peace from him. But he can't even offer you a hug!!

"Open Eyes" is right in that a therapist will be able to help you immensely in getting your self-esteem back. Sweetie, you are more than just your FEET. You are a kind, sweet, loving mother and a very good person! You aren't defined by your physical appearance or your physical disabilities!! You are defined by your "insides" --- by the person that you are!!! Our appearance or ability to do things doesn't mean anything. Maybe to some people it does, but those people aren't really the kind of people we WANT to be around, right? The people we WANT to be around are the non-judgmental kind, that love us for WHO we are. And a therapist will help you realize that.

And like she also said, perhaps taking your mother to a session or two will get HER to realize that just "snapping out" of depression isn't possible! I've been depressed since I was about 4 of 5 years old! I couldn't get treatment until I was in my 20's because my parents were too busy getting drunk. So it wasn't until I got married and had insurance that I got treatment. That's when I went into therapy.

Please stick around here and keep postiing, okay? You'll get plenty of support here, and reading alot of the posts will help too. We DO care about you, and we want to stay informed about how you're doing. God bless and please take care. Big hugs, Lee

(((Mummy25))) I think it's a really good idea to meet with a therapist, they'll be able to help you. I wish you all the best.

Agreed with all suggestions Hugs your way

You don't say what country you're in, but I'd try to force him into couples counseling now and begin setting up case for custody of daughter. Wear luscious, swishy long skirts--so romantic. Lift that chin and decide you're coming out of this with your daughter a winner.
Then take on the medical aspects ...
Roadie