[Incognito-13]

I’m so tired…
Tired of fearing my own mind.
Tired of fearing losing my parents.
Tired of fearing my ability to support myself.
Tired of fearing aging.
Tired of fearing of change & the ravage of time.
Tired of fearing problems that I can’t do anything about.
Tired of fearing problems that does not exist.

I’m tired of fearing living…

I’m afraid to live… I’m afraid to die… I’m afraid of fear itself…

Right now I see no reason to live, but at the same time I can’t kill myself, for I fear death above all else. And it’s a good fear…

Fear of dying means that there is still part of me that want’s to live and that fear is my very last reason of my existence.

So what I do? What can I do?

Nothing… nothing at all…

Time continues whether I want it or not, the world & existence itself moves forward regardless of my fear.

I finish writing this, post it to forum, calm myself a bit, and then start playing PC games. Maybe RPG’s. Immersing myself in to fictional character & being someone else for a little while. Then once I’m tired enough I go to sleep. Good dreams or bad dream? It doesn’t matter.
For tomorrow a new days comes, as it has & always will come. Tomorrow I will wake up, tidy up my bed, wash my teeth & keep living. Just as I have always done. Another day has ended & new one starts.

One day at the time. Regardless whether I want it or not.

But ultimately I’m still alive…
And who knows? Maybe I find reason to live tomorrow.
Or have I already found it & merely not realized it yet?

Fear is hope. Hope is living. And living itself is reason enough to keep living.

[avlady]

Fear is hope. Hope is living And living itself is reason enough to keep living. I like your poem and it makes me ponder my own life thank you

It sounds like to me that besides having depression, you may have health anxiety. I have health anxiety a lot myself. The fear of dying, the fear of not being in control; that sounds just like me. I feel very depressed because I have fear of a health problem and fear that those who mean something to me will either die or have a severe health problems.

My parents are long gone now. I had a fear of them dying while they were alive. When I moved away from them, I felt closer to them and got along much better. Visiting them every year was a real joy. I feared that it would be over someday and that I wouldn't be able to handle it. But they did die and it went better for me than I though it would. I still miss them, but I feel comforted to know that they had looked forward to death. I know that may sound weird.

[TheRealFDeal]

I get the fear of life. I get the fear of everything that has to do with living. Of time passing me by and not caring how I feel or that I had an awful day that doesn't matter anymore because it's gone. Time doesn't care. I don't think that I fear death anymore. I am not in a place where I would bring it on, but I wouldn't mind getting smashed up in my car or not waking up in the morning because I stroked out during the night. I live alone and support myself. I am not the most important person in anybody's world. So it would not be too much of a hardship on anybody for me not to be here.

Sorry if that's too much of a downer, or a poor, poor pitiful me. I don't want sympathy. I want understanding.

[Leed]

We can have a "healthy" fear as long as we have hope. It can be exciting.
Going out on your own can be very exciting -- being your own "boss" and living as you want to live.

Change can be great! Things change all the time, and most of the time we aren't even aware of it. LOL Wouldn't it be great too have your own place? Or do you already? Are you living on your own?

I always feared losing my parents too. And it happened. I lost my Dad in 1990 and my Mom in 2003. Naturally I was devastated, but i lived thru it. Sometimes, even at MY age (63) I feel like an orphan! Isn't that silly? But you're NEVER too old to miss your parents. You'll always wish you could ask or tell them something. But you can still "talk" to them. I'm sure they hear us.

You know, regardless if our life turns out the way our dreams show it -- life is STILL wonderful and exciting. Wonderful things happen all the time, and the world is beautiful. Sure, bad things happen, but they happen to everyone. We're not "special." We aren't picked on. You have to take life a day at a time, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow isn't here yet.

Enjoy what you have. Life is a GIFT. Live it that way. Don't be afraid of it. Most people are kind, helpful, and considerate, as long as we treat THEM the same. Please don't fear it. We only go this way once. God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee