[adam_k]

One of the things I've been conflicted over the last few years is having children. When me and my wife were dating neither one of wanted children. We got married 5 years ago and a couple of years ago we started trying to have children.
I feel conflicted on whether I really want children. Part of me is afraid to be a parent. I didn't really have a good childhood. My mom wasn't around a lot, well I guess every. She would rather be working than be at home. My parents split up when I was I guess around 8 or so. I lived with my dad after they split up. He was a recovering drug addict. I think that is why my parents split up, but I don't remember much about that. My parents never abused me or anything like that, but I don't think I got the care and support a child should have. I think this is where some of my self esteem issues come from. Part of me thinks I don't know how to be a parent. Well, I guess no one knows how to be a parent until they are.
I also found out as a teenager that my mother cheated on my father and my dad wasn't my biological father. My dad's family always treated my brother better than me, and when I was younger I just thought it was because he was older. After finding out they might have treated me differently because I wasn't their blood, I found it to be overwhelming. I was depressed before I found this out, but afterwards I struggled with really bad for a couple of years until I found proper help. Part of me doesn't know how you would explain depression to a child. I'm scared that maybe my child would pick up behaviors or possible genetics that would make them susceptible to depression. Having been through depression, I think I would do a much better job than my family helping them understand it and how to deal with depression if it did arise. Another fear I have is not being able to cope. The stress and worry from having children would manifest itself in me being more depressed. Having children is one of those decision that can be undone. I'm afraid that if I have children I could get so overwhelmed I couldn't function.
On the flip side of the coin I want children. I think it is amazing to be able to create a life. To have someone to care for and that loves you unconditionally. To be able to experience the joy of raising a child and sharing in this hopes, dreams, accomplishments and life of this new person you created. I think it would add a completeness to life that I am missing.
Sorry for the long post, a lot of this is stuff I'm trying to work out.

[Nobodyandnothing]

Adam, These are legitimate questions and you are wise to take them into consideration. I, too, have depression and I am devastated that I passed it on to my youngest child. On the other hand, since I knew the signs of this disease, I probably got him help more quickly than I would have done otherwise. It helps to have a very supportive spouse.

Good luck to you.

[Leed]

Hi Adam ~ I can certainly understand your concerns and fears. Having dealt with depression all my life, I've had to face those same things.

I think it would be a good idea to get into therapy before you have children. Therapy can help you deal with these issues and learn to cope with these fears. The therapist can give you tools to use to help you deal, plus get many unresolved issues taken care of and buried. So talk to your medical doctor and get a referral to a good therapist. You won't regret it. I've been thru therapy and it was the best gift I could have given to myself.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us posted on your progress. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[adam_k]

I plan to get back into therapy. I went before when I was struggling with depression in my teen and I found one therapist that really helped. Unfortunetly I lost my insurance back then and had to stop going. I meet my wife when I was 19struggling and she was a very positive influence in my life. For a couple years qhen ww first dated I can say I felt truely happy and content with my life. After a couple years of dating we got married. Around the time I got married I started working on getting my engineering degree. For about 5 years I was working and going to school full time. What little time I had left I spent with her. It caused a strain in our releatiinship and I feel we aren't as close as we were 5 years ago. Now that school is over and I have time to think, all of these feeling I never fully dealt with are resurfacing. Me and my wide still have a very good releationship and we dont fight very often. About the only point contention is my reluctance to have children and sex is not as frequent as she would like. When we first dated we had sex everyday, and now it is like twice a month. I think depression and stress from finishing school sqaushed my labido.

[onionknight]

Have you considered going to a therapist with your wife? You can talk about any anxieties you and your wife might have about children, and it could help you be more open and communicate better with your wife.

[GreyThinker]

You experienced things you don't want your children to know; you think about it and are concerned; I get the impression you are willing to try to adapt your behaviour and be alert to things that might upset your children, you are willing to learn from your parents and their mistakes; you see raising children as an amazing, potentially joyful experience.

Sounds like you will be a great parent . Go for it... all those things work in your favour already .

[kittybella]

I agree with the other members. You should speak with a therapist. Also depression can kill your libido but so can anti depressants as well if your taking them