[Immental]

I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I continue to be depressed despite every intervention imaginable, including a weekly DBT group. There are times when I'm suicidal and times that I self harm. This weekend my thoughts went from suicide, then to self-harm. I feel like no one understands me and nor do I.

I've been on sick leave for about 2.5 months now and hospitalized 2 times during this time. The thought of going back to work creates a lot of anxiety, so I don't know when I'll go back. The 1st hospitalization was because of an overdose that landed me in the ICU and the 2nd was because of an overdose that was intercepted by my husband. My husband has issued an ultimatum saying he will leave me if there are anymore overdoses. His ultimatum scares me since I'm usually preoccupied with overdosing.

I'm very fortunate to have what I have, but I'm still depressed. I have my husband and my son. I have a great job and a nice house.

One thing really bothering me is a CPS investigation. CPS won't let me be alone with my son because they're worried I will either kill myself or my son. I told them that I can guarantee I would never hurt my son. My Therapist and Psychiatrist both said I wouldn't hurt my son. This is killing me. When can I be alone with him? The caseworker from CPS won't return my calls.

Diagnosis: Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder

Current meds are: 1200 mg Lithium, 400 mg Seroquel, 150 mg Seroquel PRN,
Prozac 40 mg, Wellbutrin 150 mg, Levothyroxine 100 mg

Does anyone have suggestions for me? I'm frustrated that I'm not getting better.

[TheRealFDeal]

I too, have both major depression and BPD. I have wondered many time why I can't seem to get better. It sounds like you are suffering some heavy consequences of overdosing. But it doesn't seem to matter how "fortunate" you are when you have these illnesses, they are what they are and they can happen to anyone.

I wonder, too, about your DBT group. I have had DBT in a hospital setting for just over two weeks, and it didn't stick. I still really struggle with my BPD symptoms. What I remember about DBT is that we weren't allowed to talk about our suicidal feelings. All discussion had to be within the confines of the DBT principles. It seems like it would be helpful to talk with others about the feelings.

I know this isn't very helpful, but I hope you can stick it out until you get through this very bad episode. We are here to listen and support.

[Immental]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I too, have both major depression and BPD. I have wondered many time why I can't seem to get better. It sounds like you are suffering some heavy consequences of overdosing. But it doesn't seem to matter how "fortunate" you are when you have these illnesses, they are what they are and they can happen to anyone.

I wonder, too, about your DBT group. I have had DBT in a hospital setting for just over two weeks, and it didn't stick. I still really struggle with my BPD symptoms. What I remember about DBT is that we weren't allowed to talk about our suicidal feelings. All discussion had to be within the confines of the DBT principles. It seems like it would be helpful to talk with others about the feelings.

I know this isn't very helpful, but I hope you can stick it out until you get through this very bad episode. We are here to listen and support.

I'm doing DBT for the second year in a row so it will hopefully stick this time. Yeah, you can't mention if you're suicidal. I've gotten talked to twice about not sharing my suicidal ideation. I often wondered well who can I share it with if not the group?

Thanks for responding to my post.

[GreyThinker]

Hi Immental.... thanks for posting. I'm sorry you are struggling with a CPS investigation but like RealFDeal said, I hope you can stick it out. These are not easy things to cope with but then it sounds like you have been struggling a while. I'm really glad you have your husband and son as hooks - we all need something or someone to focus on. I understand your frustration that you are not getting better, but I think you are wise to not worry about returning to work. I'm sure you are better off without that extra anxiety. By the way, you are not the only one who does not understand themself . I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for you at the moment, except to encourage you to be patient with yourself. This may sound corny, but I don't suppose you could try some yoga? I find the deep breathing settles me sometimes, and the gentle stretching makes me feel better physically.