[allimsaying]

I really want to support others. I was in serious depression for most of my life and theres a lot that gets posted to on PC that I can relate to, at least feel empathy for. Maybe Im wrong but its just my natural reaction to want to cheer others up if theyre sad. I hate feeling like Im wrong to try and cheer others up even though I know its annoying and not easy to do. I dont feel like its supportive to just repeat the sad feelings others are having without offering some direction away from those feelings. I think its helpful to validate peoples feelings but I dont want to sound like Im encouraging others to go on feeling badly by simply echoing what they feel. I feel like Im doing things wrong.

[0w6c379]

I think it's a beautiful thing that you want to try to help others and cheer them up. I think there are times when your offer of encouragement and support would be truly welcome and is very much needed. Unfoturnately, in my case, I can't hear it right now. At the moment, your words of encouragement would fall on deaf ears. I am so low.

You are not wrong to try to relieve the pain of someone. You are a wonderful person. I hope you are there when I can hear again.

[allimsaying]

Thank you Michelle. You have managed to encourage me even though I know you are feeling so badly yourself but I know this problem is not resolved for me. Even now, I want to tell you that things can pass, that even though you feel down, dont give up, and I know you cant hear it, that my words wont have any effect, youve said so yourself. Im not kidding myself that I have any miracle cure for anyone, that we're all different and the causes of our depression is different for each of us and words are worthless in some cases. I just wish I could feel that what I have to give fits in somewhere instead of being resented or mocked. Dont worry, you havent made me feel that way.

[whoswho]

I think I understand what you are saying. Sometimes I see others who are so low and I want to swoop in and say the "right thing" that will somehow make them feel better. I can get really anxious sometimes trying to find exactly the right, perfect thing to say.

However, I also know that when I'm feeling really low and people start trying to fix all my problems, it can get very tiresome. Sometimes it feels really fake to be told that "things will get better," especially when I've struggled with feeling low for so many years. People come and start giving me suggestions that I've already mulled over in my head and dismissed for one reason or another and I become frustrated because, to me, at that moment, it feels like they're not listening to what I'm saying. And I think empathy goes a long way, especially with depression, which can make you feel so incredibly, hopelessly isolated.

I think it goes both ways. I think it's fine to offer encouragement and support and suggestions and this can be really, really helpful sometimes. But I also think just being there for someone, and letting them know you thought about them, and a few words of kindness can be really meaningful. It doesn't seem like much, I know. I try to do this too and I worry that I'm not doing enough and not being helpful. But then I think of what I would want when I'm feeling down... and when I'm really down, I tend to see words of encouragement as "false hope" and even outright lies. Maybe other people do that too, I don't know.

I really don't think anything you do, though, will be resented or mocked. Even in my worst moments, I can tell if the person means well or not... and I think that's honestly the most important thing, anyway. Sometimes it's good to stay away from the typical depression support catchphrases and to really say something from the heart... I wish more therapists would do that, actually. Also, it's the internet, so things are bound to be misinterpreted, anyway.

Sorry for the rambling on and on and on....... I'm not even sure if I addressed your question very well. I really want to be more supportive too but I'm really not the best at it, either. It can always use improvement...

[allimsaying]

Thank you WhosWho, I think you understand what Im trying to say pretty well. One of the hardest things about depression for me is explaining myself. I know a lot of words but getting them all into the proper places is hard for me. Its like I have a mind stutter instead of a speech stutter. I hope my post hasnt offended anyone. That is the absolute opposite of what Im trying to do.

My jobs have almost all been customer service oriented and trying to look happy all the time wore me out. People wanted the perfect kind of help that I just couldnt give no matter how hard I tried and it was hell forcing that smile to avoid hearing cheer up kind of statements so I know how hard it is to hear. But I know too that if I hadnt heard it, I wouldnt have tried to do it. Im seriously confused about not wanting to feel better. I know there are times we have to be with our feelings. Our felings suck. Even a moment there is too much for me.

It hurts a lot if anyone thinks Im lying about things getting better. Im attaching a disclaimer because whats true for some isnt true for all. I just know I believe for myself, have to believe it, want to believe it. Without it then I feel like the ones who feel no hope. Its the one thing I cant let myself let go of. And I understand not wanting false hope. I never did either. Its really hard feeling that Im not believed.

Yeah, youre right, cliches wear out, its hard to be understood on the internet. I love the non cliche talk here, that is forth right and frank and honest, but with just the right amount of kindness.

You didnt ramble on. Every word you wrote is write on target. Thanks for taking time .

I don't think it's bad that you can sympathize with someone's situation! Actually, when I meet someone or talk to someone who has gone through something similar I feel relief because they know what I'm going through.

You're not doing anything wrong! Just by letting someone know that they're not alone can do loads!

[allimsaying]

Hi Stormy! Welcome to the group! Your words of encouragement and support really matter to me!

I want to say that when I had my darkest times, connecting with others who understood, at least listened and cared, was the most comforting feeling I ever had. To know that I wasnt alone and there were others who could identify and validate my feelings made me feel hope that I might be able to survive it all. (I have by the way ) Those people saved my life. I try hard to carry that forward with everyone I meet and at times, with people who havent been there, these feelings are more of a burden than not and its made me feel like an outcast all over again. So its mixed. Sometimes Im glad I can sympathize and at others wish I could just live with none of it on my mind. I know Im the walking wounded but as time has gone by its become easier to cope with and I dont feel the shame I used to. I thnk there are a lot of people in 'the normal world' who need to open their eyes.

But Im getting off track. What Im struggling with right now is how to be a better supportive person. How to encourage without annoying How do I make suggestions to people when I know certain habits and behaviors contribute to staying stuck and do it without totally pis@#ng those people Im trying to help off? As I said above, I, that is, myself, dont believe that just co-miserating really helps anyone move forward. If anything, I feel like it just helps that person to stay stuck right where they are. I want to do more.

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by allimsaying

But Im getting off track. What Im struggling with right now is how to be a better supportive person. How to encourage without annoying How do I make suggestions to people when I know certain habits and behaviors contribute to staying stuck and do it without totally pis@#ng those people Im trying to help off?

Hi, and welcome to the therapeutic ideology supermarket. On your right we have our widely popular CBT section. Here you will find a lot of worksheets and a lot of debating your core, irrational beliefs. CBT is the "logical," "rational" therapy. Or at least CBT proponents like to tell themselves that. Here, your feelings will be put on trial and each testimony from the prosecution and defense will be analyzed.

To your left, we have the second most popular option, DBT. DBT requires a lot of meditation and focus. There's often a lot of discussion and worksheets but there is not much of a heated debate occurring as much as something called "acceptance."

In the back, you will find our small psychoanalysis section. This is our most controversial section and is generally practiced only by older psychiatrists. The newer wave of mental health professionals are quick to dismiss psychoanalysis, if they even know what it is.

There are, of course, several other methods that are used sparingly and lie on the fringes of mental health care located throughout the store.

Thank you for your visit! We hope to see you again.

.........................................

So, to actually attempt to answer your question... I think it largely depends on what kind of view you subscribe to. However, no one approach can satisfy everyone... that's why there are so many different kinds of therapy!

Being supportive in the right kind of way takes a lot of work and practice. Look at these therapists who go to school, get a Master's or Ph.D., and are still horrible at being... even remotely helpful. I've certainly had some therapists like that, anyway.

Maybe the best approach is to be flexible and willing to amend your approach given the circumstances and persons involved? And being genuine, no matter what approach you go with...

[allimsaying]

HAHAHAHAHA! Oh thanks for the levity! I really need that!

And there is the problem. I have no training, I havent been coached in how to be patient. I know I needed a lot of time to get to this point so why cant I be more forgiving? The truth is, I can. I just really really worry about the stuck ones and it really really hard watching it become worse for them. I want to do what I can to help them but I feel persecuted for being too cheerful, too helpful, too hopeful, too suggestive, and now, that Im lying . I guess its a personal thing and I need to find some way to change it. I cant care less or turn off my sadness, its impossible for me.

Thank you Whos, youre really smart

[allimsaying]

> Maybe the best approach is to be flexible and willing to amend your approach given the circumstances and persons involved? And being genuine, no matter what approach you go with...

Im going to work on that. Thanks Whos!