[justme01020]

Hi everyone,
This is my first post on your forum and dont know if its okay to begin right here or not.
I am the care taker of my family and it is finally coming to the point that i dont feel i can handle that anymore. I have put my issues to the bottom of the list for many years and they are all beginning to surface. and i guess i just dont know how to handle it. I am one of those that sant to help everyone and their mother while putting my issues on the back burner. Well i am still trying to put them on the back burner, but they are showing me that it is time to start dealing with me.
The past few days i have been weepy and just feeling the depression is taking me over, mind, body, and spirit. i have nothing left that makes me happy. I even see now what all of the commercials mean about feeling it hurting physically.
I have a 15 year old daughter with bipolar, adhd, severe anxiety, severe depression, and ocd. I have a 3 year old daughter who is the big picture of ADHD, but of course cannot be treated until she is 4. Which is going to be an extremely long and trying 10 months. And the biggest issue is my extremely bipolar/adhd husband who i have been with for 17 years, married for only 3. We have had very very trying times and have now hit what i feel is the most trying and make it or break it moment. I know he had cheated in the past and we worked thru it, but this week he came clean that this last person he had been cheating with has now told him that she is pregnant. I get so angry at myself for having taken him back in the past and wish i had ended it a long time ago, but i guess that is neither here nor there, because now we are in this situation. I dont know what keeps me with him, as he is not a support system at all. i guess it is me just always feeling bad and knowing i have a love in my heart for that "other" side of him. I tell him that he is lucky that i am not someone else that would have burned all of his stuff or worse, but instead i hate myself for the fact that i actually feel bad for him and want to help him to get thru it. WHY?!?!?!
I sit here with tears in my eyes. I cannot enjoy my kids at all. My home is a mess, my job that I love so dearly doesnt even matter to me. I want to take a leave of absence but for what? To be home in the middle of my own personal hell???? I am constantly yelling at home, which i never did. I am just feeling all of these emotions that i have tried so hard to run from.

I have a therapist i see weekly, but always talk about everyone elses issues, not my own. And she let me know last week that it is time for me to start talking about me next week. and wants to go back to my childhood. I think i am scared to stir up those monsters that i have hidden away for so long. but know thats where i have to begin.

I guess I just needs some words from someone who knows what i am going thru and can maybe help me a little...

[optimize990h]

Well, I feel you need to be patient with and respect yourself. Your therapist is correct to get going on helping you. I understand the monsters that have not been dealt with because eventually that causes bigger problems at a later time. Please come back to this thread to post on your progress.
You need patience for yourself to work through your issues. To be good to yourself by working through painful things that need to processed because you are worth it.
So, hopefully other PC members can add to what I have written. Take care.

[bodd12]

Ms. Me, I'm glad you're seeking help and glad you're telling your story. Getting it out is important to healing. Whatever you choose, you can go at your own speed. It seems that nothing here requires a snap judgement. I know when I sink into an emotional low, I sometimes forget my values, or, feel as though I value all things equally. Be careful to respect yourself and keep consistent with your values. It can help prevent making choices that you regret.

[Calypso1980]

Hi Justme,

I too am new to this forum and though my situation is different from yours I've suffered from depression from a very young age, going through high and low periods and therapy helped me a lot when I was going through a very rough spot.

My advice to you is to listen to your therapist, because, although what you need to talk about is going to hurt, and likely open old wounds, opening those wounds and talking about them, seeing them in a different light and being ABLE to talk to someone about them who WILL NOT JUDGE YOU makes all the difference.

It is a long, slow process and it takes time, so if it doesn't help straight away, don't give up, just keep at it and with time you'll see an improvement. Take time out for yourself, even if its just a long soak in the bath when the kids are in bed with scented candles and relax, or read a book. Something, anything that you used to enjoy doing for yourself and know you can enjoy doing again.

I wish you luck on your journey and know that you are a strong woman despite what you may think or feel. But you don't need to be strong with your therapist, you can let everything out without fear of shame or reprisal, or worry.

I too avoided the TALK, for some time, I think most of us that go through therapy do! but got there eventually. I still suffer from depression, but for the most part have it under control now, and my therapist helped me to do that.

But most of all, know that you are not alone!

Calypso