Blah Blah Blah.

I haven't posted in a long time... I've been dealing with some health issues aside from my mental health. I have a PE in my lung, and a clot in the femoral artery in my left leg. I spent 4 days in the hospital in January, and another day in the hospital last week. I'm ended up on Lovenox shots as well as coumadin. So trying all this time to fix my blood clots I have left my mental health to the wind. I ended up stopping all my meds except one, Seroquel. I find that I feel better physically without all the drugs, but mentally I'm declining. I haven't showered in nearly a week. I eat all the wrong stuff, if I eat at all. I've lost interest in everything that I once enjoyed. I spend nearly all of my time on the computer looking at things that I shouldn't. I only take the Seroquel to sleep. I take 400mg and it just barely stops my mind from racing so I can get sleep. I'm sleeping 11-12hrs per day. Did a sleep study last Tuesday, my brain function was off the charts while trying to fall asleep, even concerned the doctor who came in to check on me. Well after I finally fell asleep (was asked not to take the Seroquel for the test) my breathing stopped 89 times in 2 hrs, and the longest it stopped for was 1:34. Now I had an APAP machine in the past, but during one of my rages I threw it out of a window and subsequently broke it. SO my doctor wouldn't prescribe another CPAP, BIPAP or APAP without a new study. I am so depressed. But I can't show it. I'm scared I would lose my housing if I ended back up in the hospital. It happened once before.. So I'm skittish of it. Some days I just want to cut my wrists, or jump off a building or bridge or overdose on the Seroquel. But I don't. I just sit in agony. I know I shouldn't of stopped my meds, but I was sick of taking 30 pills per day, just for mental health! I feel like I was put on everything out there, and was a live test subject for the pharmaceutical companies. My delusions are back regarding alot of things, my hallucinations are back, I see stuff all the time that really freak me out, and occationally I will hear voices, but nothing commanding me to do anything, yet.

My brother who is active duty Army, and has been for 9 years now posted alot of family photos from the past on his Facebook page. He says he is the family curator. We lost our mom on January 13th 2005. Its something that I have been very slowly dealing with over the last 9 years. However when I saw pictures of us as kids with mom, I broke down and cried. I cried for a long time. The feelings of her unexpected death still haunt me. I was the one who called 911, I had to do CPR and rescue breathing on her cold limp body. My dad just stood there in shock, my sister was hysterical and my brother was in AIT at Fort Leonard Wood, MO. I was the one responsible for trying to revive her. But to no avail. The coroner said she had probably been down a few hrs before we tried to wake her up. There was no autopsy done, and she was cremated that evening. So I have had no closing in what happend. I don't know what took her life at such and young age of 53. That haunts me. Especially now that I'm having major health issues at 29. I just wish I knew so I could close that chapter, but I will never know.

It's cold here in the frozen tundra of Northwest PA. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. Mainly because I sleep the day away in my comatose state that Seroquel puts me in. I just feel so horrible. I've been avoiding the Forums for several weeks because I really didn't have anything good to say, and I felt anything that came out of my mouth would be detrimental to others. However tonight I really needed to talk. Sorry for making this rant so long.

-Chandler

Wow! That is so much to deal with
Sending from across the pond

It's good to hear from you, Chandler.
Yeah. I've been tempted to write "medical experiment" on forms asking for my profession.
Juggling illnesses -- how to keep that up?
So much is going on with you and you're concerned about its effect on us.

Hi Chandler...I'm really sorry to hear about the many things that you are trying to deal with. It sounds like you are stronger than you even realize in order to do so.

I lost my father in 2003 suddenly. He was 56. We had just reconciled over some issues that we'd had, but I still have a hard time forgiving him for leaving. Sometimes the good memories are the only things that keep me afloat...but crying can definitely be cathartic.

I've very glad that you decided to speak out a little bit. I'm not sure if it helped you. I'm not sure if any of our replies are helping you. Just know that someone's here to listen...

Chandler it is inspiring to read your post as you shared everything that is going on So much weight to carry. I am in awe of your strength . I can't imagine how traumatic it was for you to have to try and revive your Mom. My mom passed away when she was 53 of pnemonia and I was living in another state. I have taken so many different SSRI's, antidepressants, over the last seven years and I have found that for me they cause more problems.Even though with the weight gain, psychosis, paranoia and depression that I have, some of the drugs take the edge off a little. I too take seroquel to sleep, it works. warm thoughts to you.