[allimsaying]

Dear Dad,

Here is that letter I always knew I would write to you someday. I know youre never going to read it since I just found out today you passed away yesterday. I knew it would go like this, that I wouldnt be there when you passed, that no one would tell me and I'd have to find out through back channels.

The years were not friends to us. We drifted apart and too late we tried to re-connect the broken threads. We tried. I knew your heart was in it, as was my own, but there was too little time to make up for lost time and I knew we would never be close like we used to be again. At least I knew you loved me and I hope you know I loved you.

There are so many things I'd like to say but it seems like I cant think of them all now. I loved your sense of humor. I loved the way you held me and comforted me when I was little. I loved how strong you always seemed, always confident, self assured, kind. I wish we'd had more time to play ball, go fishing, talk about life but you never were that way. We went fishing a few times though and you gave me my first beer at 15. You probably shouldnt have but I think thats what made it so good and then we'd get a six pack and go sit on the creek bank catching perch and catfish and turtles.

You brought home the greatest pets. No one else had prairie dogs or skunks or raccoons. Pretty sure no one else had wolves.

You taught me how to use tools, something that has come in useful time and again. You taught me how to shoot a pistol and a rifle. You bought me my first car.

You were always there for me but for some reason I couldnt talk to you. I tried but maybe I was too whiny, too weak, too ignorant. You never had much to say but you made me feel like I was ok when you'd smile and agree with my feelings in some humorous remark.

The last several years of your life were hard and miserable. You wanted a dog to comfort you but couldnt have one. The woman you married wouldnt go along with it. Too much trouble for her to clean up after and what you wanted, needed, didnt matter. I think you could see in your ending years she wasnt your friend anymore, didnt care about you, just wanted you gone, like she wanted me gone from the first time she saw me.

Im so sorry for the dreams you had that went unfilled, for the promises you hoped to be kept of having a complete and happy life. Im sorry for the losses you reaped instead of the rewards you deserved.

Im thankful that you taught me never to give up, to be stronger than my enemies, to love, not hate.

Im gonna go cry now cause you deserve it, I deserve it. I love you dad and Im gonna miss you.

[optimize990h]

Hi allimsaying. I am sorry for your loss. Keep posting or try the chat room if you need support. Take care.

[allimsaying]

Thanks optimize

Im ok, my stupid brain is blocking out most of my thoughts. I just feel sad for things that get wasted. My step mom and I never got along. He's going to be cremated and there is no public ceremony. Shes to get the ashes, I dont know what she'll do with them, we dont speak. I dont want to make this about her but it was because of her my dad and I didnt spend much time together after I moved out at 18. Its just so sad that one unhealthy person can do so much damage to others lives. I dont know why she hated me so much. Its not confusing anymore. Shes not well. It just hurts. Thanks for caring, your kind thoughts are always appreciated with me.

[TheRealFDeal]

That was a very nice letter. So sorry for your loss, not just yesterday's, but all these years....

[adam_k]

I'm sorry for you loss. The death of a father is very painful. I'm sad that you had drifted about because of your step mother. There must have been something he enjoyed about her, I hope it wasn't all bad. Spouses have a way of getting into your head and changing your opinions. I don't think he should have listened to her, and should have kept you in his life. I hope you embrace the good times of your lives together. It sounds like he cared deeply for you before he meet her. Try to remember those times.

Thinking of you. And my own father...the freshness of the pain comes and goes.

So sorry for your loss...

[allimsaying]

Thanks everyone. Your hugs and kind thoughts are very appreciated. I just want everyone to know Im doing fine. Being at a distance for many years provides some protection against the loss but in some ways he died for me a little every day while we were apart.

RFD, you didnt say much, kinda like dad, but you said a lot, thanks.

Adam, I know this is close to home for you and Im sorry if it triggered you. Thanks for stopping in. Ive told you before how proud I think your dad would be of you. Yes, there was love between them. he joked more than once that he had to marry her, if he didnt, no one else would. Funny, but I think true too. Rascally woman.

Frightened, I dont know whats going on for you but I want to say hang in there. It was kind of you to stop by with your own feelings being raw. Wishing some peace for you.

[justmemaybe]

Dear allimsaying
Im so sorry for your loss, Its so hard to lose a parent. Im sure your Dad knows how you feel about him now. He can hear you much better now .
Take care of you. cry when you need too.

[allimsaying]

He can hear you much better now.

I like that. Thanks justmemaybe

[justmemaybe]

Always you are welcome.

[Rachel.i]

Allimsaying, so very sorry for your loss.

[allimsaying]

He was a very good man Rachel. Im glad I can say that about him. Thank you for your kind thoughts.