[Aardwolf]

I don't even know I'm writing this, trying to get it out more than likely.. A lot of people will know I'm about as pliable to new suggestions as a brick wall.. without further ado.

With my MPD playing up recently, i don't know why, but i just feel like i have dropped about ten thousand feet from just about cruising to floating on a sea of despair.
At the same time I don't care. As in honestly couldn't give two hoots about how i feel, or what I'm feeling or how it affects others.
The world can burn as far as I'm concerned.. Someone find me a match ?

Reminds me of a quote about the nuclear arms race.. Its like two sworn enemies standing face to face in waist deep gasoline, one with 3 matches, one with 2.. thats how i feel within myself sometimes.

Back on topic - I can't keep track of anything and maybe that's the problem.. I tried different stabilizers and it isn't working at all. Of everything I don't feel anything at all. I probably don't make any sense, which is to be expected as my brain is not being best useful at the moment. I'm scared of loosing control again, but at the same time, what a sweet release that would be, to not have to worry any more, to not have to care.
Its like so many things you take in life for granted, and then suddenly, like a whisp of smoke meeting wind, they are gone when you don't keep hold of them.
Its ****ing crushing. After so long, and so much.. After all the things that are said, and done. To loose and know your never going to get something back. The moment you can't cry anymore because your body gives up before your emotions do, you can't breathe because of the weight on your chest.
I can't even think of a way to describe it in any way, anyone will ever understand. the worst bit, you know its all my fault, its what I didn't do that made it all happen.
I could stare at this sea of unhappiness for hours and not be bothered, and half a second later be using all my strength not to jump in and let myself float to the bottom without a care. Without a request for help, nothing. Just give myself up to the ocean and her arms.

[allimsaying]

As I sit here, drinking my morning coffee, staring out at the snow falling lightly to the ground, tv on in the background, not really paying attention, Im thinking over what you've posted and letting it blend in as I scan the past memories of times I would be in my car, looking out to the wide open with the overwhelming question "Why?" in my mind, rolling over and over, undermining every solid piece of truth I could drum up, wiping away every feeling of hope, washing out the 'truths' I thought I knew before.

When going back through the experiences I had, the getting up, falling back down, over and over and over again, I think about the mistakes I made, the forward progress I turned upside down because the steps I made forward became slippery again and no matter what truth I believed I had arrived at, it all fell down again like that unforgettable story of Humpty Dumpty.

When I say what you should do, when I give advice I hope will help, I do it knowing that nothing in these times will stick for long, that getting up again is the only way to make our way thru the muck and quicksand.

So I have no good words of advice for you today. Just to keep getting back up again. In time you will learn the mistakes you make in tearing up your own progress with doubt and fear. I can say one thing. How I wish I had not been my own biggest adversary in my own progress. Time is something you cant have back.