[Sl33pLesS]

Hi, I'm 16 and would probably be considered normal. I don't really know how this is supposed to work so I'm kinda free handing. I'm in 11th grade, have a tight circle of friends and an amazing girlfriend of one year and some odd months. For the longest time I've been feeling like everything I do eventually amounts to having no impact on anybody that I know. I have an increasingly bad habit of thinking about what would happen if I rolled out the car when I am riding in one. I have thought about suicide before, but never put serious thought into it. My father is an alcoholic who at his worst tends to bash my entire essence and existence. Insisting that I'm a dumbass who isn't going anywhere. Many people at my school tell my girlfriend that I'm just a loser going nowhere. For as far back as I can think I've never really thought I look good or have anything good to offer anyone. I feel like if I were gone nobody's' life would change. I need to know why I feel the way I do. I constantly sleep to escape my thoughts and try to dream, but I seem to have lost the ability to dream. In the past 5 months I've had maybe 3 fragments of dreams? I wish I could explain my situation better, but this is the best I can do. I would really appreciate it if somebody could help me figure out what's wrong. I feel really depressed on the inside while putting on a fake smile. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff constantly. Please help

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Sl33pLesS!

Originally Posted by Sl33pLesS

...I seem to have lost the ability to dream. In the past 5 months I've had maybe 3 fragments of dreams?

Although this may be related to adolescence, it could indicate "sleep architecture" disturbance. Talk to a doctor about the problem if possible.

I regret your father and friends degrade you. You hear that stuff long enough and it becomes extremely difficult not to internalize it. It would be nice to say, "Don't listen to them!", but that's not easy. As a human being you cannot but help pick up on the verbal and nonverbal messages in your environment. Were you to go to a counselor, they might talk to you about developing greater "psychological boundary strength."

In any case, now is the time to speak with credentialed, trusted individuals and develop strategies for dealing with toxic folks in life. I wish I had done so when I was young.

Please keep posting, Sl33pLesS.

[Sl33pLesS]

Thanks for the help Rohag. And it isn't that I have toxic friends. Its ever since I was in elementary school its felt like I have to try harder and work smarter just to get to be normal. All my friends are great to me, they just get a tad out of control sometimes. Plus nobody knows how I actually feel on the inside. I'm the guy that you see walking down the hall with a big smile laughing with friends, but I actually feel hollow on the inside. Like no matter what I do I won't be able to reach the level of happiness that I want to be at. And its increasingly frustrating waking up everyday doing the same things, then coming home and getting maybe an hour to myself. Then it seems that everything inside my hardens. My feelings, attitude. But somehow I keep putting on the mask everyday trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I'm fine. I've been doing some research and found that what best suits my symptoms is possibly bipolar disorder or medium to severe depression. I just wish I could figure out why I always feel this way...

[allimsaying]

Challenge your thoughts. By wondering why you feel this way, you are reinforcing feeling this way. Treat yourself to some positive thoughts about yourself and possibly you will begin to reinforce those thoughts instead? Just a thought, good luck.

[roads]

Rohag makes a great suggestion. You ought to be dreaming much more, and without healthy dreaming your daytime processing of thoughts may not be the best.

As far as how hard you work, it's not just you. Writer Albert Camus observed some fifty years ago, "“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” I work now in the town I grew up and went to school in and LMAO when I meet students & teachers I went to school with & discover how they think I sailed through class ... never picked up a book! Wow, l did little outside of class but study. Amazing.

My dad was an alcoholic. Can you get to any Ala-Teen meeting, at a church, maybe? I would have helped me understand what was going on and that I wasn't involved. It can help keep you out of it. Your mom might want to go to Alanon.

I'm glad you wrote. Lots of young folks are no this site now. Check out the forums and post wherever you feel a connection.
roadie