family forgets me except for parties they want

I am single and my life has been very difficult since parents died.
My famiy has tons of parties, expensive wedding giftsl shower gifts
birthday gifts and on and on
I am not able to attend all the parties due to problems created by family
members- constantly telling me want to do and where to do it
I don't get a birthday card from them- what did I do wrong?
I take them out for dinner and try to so hard to keep in touch.
I have 4 nieces and nephew and they don't send me a card
for my birthday and nothing for christmas from them-no card
They are all adults
I guess I should stop too- skip the showers and parties.

What do you all think?

It does not seem like you are treated like family. It seems(maybe ask them)like your family whether consciously or subconsciously treats you "less than" because you are single?

Is their world so exclusive that they make you feel "merely tolerated" by them?

If it is possible, clarify this with your family and use the examples of their treatment you discussed in your post as why you want this clarified. Why now, even the children seem to behave in such a manner.

You have a legitimate cause to question this behaviour. If no reasonable answer is forthcoming with an improvement of their disposition towards you, then I recommend dollar store cards and dollar store gifts.

Sad, Toxie55, but some people are interested only in material things. Sounds as if you have some people in the family who may be absorbed in that. I'd try to distance myself from it if you can and seek your friendships among people who value you for who you are not for money.

This country is built around a capitalistic society, unfortunately, in some ways. It takes maturity and strength to realize that money does not make one really happy in the long run. Oh, it's nice to be comfortably able to afford a pleasant life, but beyond that, the love of money can get in the way of contentment and happy living.

Look for friendships among people who value nature, people, beauty, spirit, helpfulness, etc. Those are the ones who will likely be your good friends over a lifetime.

You know, in many families those "occasions" are all the relationship they have. It stinks :-(. They might not be thinking so much about the $$$ or the gifts as about it being the "family" thing to do to include everyone. They might also believe it's a real relationship thing.

My husband's family is kinda-sorta that way, only it's not about gifts at all. The sum total of their interactions is about the "family gathering" events. We are expected to pack up ourselves and the dog and go to them, stay in a motel (paid for by my mother in law) and show up and "perform" for the holiday or event. To them, that is relating.

The rest of the time--and hubby's sisters are especially this way--we hear nothing. Zilch. They have NEVER made even the slightest effort to come see us. One time they claimed they hadn't been invited and I about plotzed. WTF?!?!!

I play along with this crap for MIL's benefit. She's old and our last parent and I love her. (I love the rest of them, too, despite their craziness.) So we will keep going and doing the routine while she's still around. When she is gone, we will relocate to Montana. If the family members want to see us, they can come visit THERE. Won't ever happen, but that's okay. I've had it with this farce. If they can't be bothered to pick up the phone and CALL when we live three hours away, then that's their problem. The phone will be just as close when we move to MT. We will live far more cheaply there than in NJ where we currently live, and I will be a LOT happier to be back in my beloved Big Sky Country. DH doesn't do change well, so it doesn't matter where we would move, he'd still carry on. But he will settle in and do just fine, as he always has when he's moved. (He did 20 years in the Army and moved lots.)

Unfortunately, since that's what the family does, we are left to find other people with whom to connect and relate. In my family, I'm only close to my sister, and we'll be nearer to her and my BIL when we move. But that won't be a constant contact thing either. In the end, we believe that family is what and where we make it. If our relatives need us, we'll do what we can. But there are way too many holes in the "relationship" part of the equation to make it better. *sigh*

Oh and regarding the nieces and nephews? I said screw them, except for my sister's daughter, LONG ago. They don't give a crap about us, so I'm sure not going to pretend anything big is there. Happily, one of DH's two nieces has grown up and learned how to be a person, so interacting with her on the rare occasions of connection in always nice, and we text and Facebook a bit. The other one is completely bonkers and I am grateful to be far away. My nephews are not part of our lives at all. Oh well. They for darned sure are not going to get any $$ of any kind from us--and let me be quick to emphasize that none of them expect it. It's not like any of them ever have their hands out toward us. And that's fine. They are adults living their own lives and doing okay at it except for the one niece.

I guess that Instead of feeling hurt all the time about it, I will distance myself and think about whether I should give anything- maybe I should take the hint and not send anything. They are all adults. If you don't do things according to their rules and world you are not needed or wanted