To stop hoping

I am finding myself in an unfamiliar place. In all my years of fighting depression I have never felt like I do now. I never stopped trying to get out or hoping things will be better one day. Now it's like something broke in me and I just stopped. I just stopped fighting and hoping. The weird thing is, it doesn't feel bad. It brough with it some contentment. It's a weight off my shoulders not to expect something good from life. To accept that it will always be bad. It sounds depressing and cynical and pessimistic, but this way life can never disappoint me. I hate life. I would never again try to end it, but just to accept that life sucks and probably always will has made me feel better. I don't care if it ends, but I will push through till then. For me it's something to survive. And maybe that's all I have to do.

I suddenly don't care as much about stuff, like what people think of me or overanalizing people's words and deeds. I do my part and how I am towards others hasn't changed, just what is inside me. Sure, its dark but also somehow peaceful.

Is this real? Can it last? Should I accept it or should I worry about how I feel? My biggest fear is that its just temporary or even worst just the silence before the storm.

Survival101, I have been living without reference to hope for several years now. It's not a state of hopelessness but rather a recognition that spending my limited energies on attaining and maintaining a feeling of hope is not useful.
My personal perspective is that the less you worry about it, they greater the chances your feelings will stabilize and possibly improve. It's like fighting weeds not by attempting to remove them but by working the soil so as to encourage the growth of grass. In time the grass will crowd out most of the weeds.

May your peace grow no matter the presence or lack of hope in your life.

I can't speak for you or anyone else, Survival. But I think I can relate. I have recently been experiencing feelings similar to what you describe. And it's really not like me. I'm usually often the eternal optimist. I know a lot of what I am feeling comes from the fact that I'm turning sixty soon, and I really don't feel that overall my life will improve. As I used to feel when younger. However, I still believe in surviving, and in trying to survive life the best way I can. I do believe that there will be joy and peace in spots, too. And I think this is ok. I don't know your circumstances. Don't know if you're responding to a trigger or it's emotions or both. I wish you the best. And, I really don't think the way that either one of us is feeling is all that unusual, anymore. The best to you!

Rohag, I found your response very helpful! Thanx!