[sujunew]

I have always been totally 100% clear that I have never wanted to end my life; I have only ever wanted to escape the pain in my life. Recently though the thoughts towards that have changed. I cannot see a future for myself. After so many years of struggling with a mental illness with constant relapses I can't see how things could get better. I have caused my children so much pain in their short lives that they do not need to continue with that. With 1 already in full-time care... I guess I am just looking for other member's input- should I be worried that for the 1st time in my life my thoughts have changed from wanting to escape to not caring if it was permanent? I must make it clear that I am not intending to do anything- I just don't understand this and don't know if it is directly linked to all the stress I am under at the mo or perhaps it is another decline??? Any ideas anyone??? Please?!

[zombiette]

it's hard to say...i'm sorry i don't feel confident in passing judgement on this, i think it's up to a professional to decide. but as someone who has grown up with a mother with mental illness, i can offer my perspective on that. it was incredibly tough for me and continues to be as even though i am grown-up and out of that environment now i still have flashbacks and can't help dwelling on all the times my mother spent all day on the couch either crying or sleeping, her saying that her life wasn't worth living and she wished she was dead and then when she blamed me for all her problems...but the main problem is that she never got help or acknowledged that she had a problem and she still is oblivious to the pain she has caused me. if she wasn't, i think i would be healing a lot quicker.

but i think it'll be ok with your children b/c u are aware of what's happening to u and them and u are trying really hard to get better. and that shows that ur a kind, caring person and so look as u perservere and keep trying ur children will see that and appreciate and love u as much as u oblivously love them

This is when a person should talk to their theraipst so that the thoughts don't intentionally or accidentally get acted on. Course I don't always take that advice myself because I have a huge problem around hospitals and the topic of such. So basically my therapist knows the thoughts are always there but because of my very strong promises to some friends I won't act on it, and right now I prefer not discussing my suicidal thoughts and the fact that if I didn't have that promise to my friends I would be acting on the thoughts and would not even care that death is permanent. All my therapists is asking from me right now surrounding the topic is that I tell her when there is an increase in the thoughts because that usually means the client is experiencing problems that need to be taken care of not nessessarily on the subject of suicide just that something may be coming to the surface or Im getting overwhelmed in other areas. So what LL and I have set up is t hat if I am fine or not suicidal and not cutting I see here every two weeks, three weeks or more depending on what I want but if the suicidal thoughts or self injury thoughts are increasing or changing I see her weekly for a bit. during those weekly sessions we dont talk about my wanting to die or cut (my choice because I know that this therapy agency has a protocal that anyone who is in the active stage of acting on those type of thoughts they should be referred to the local mental health unit or evaluated for possible time on the MHU) but we do talk about what is going on in my life during the change in thoughts.

Something in your life has activated the thoughts to make them change in some way and that something is maybe what you can talk about with your therapist so that if anything you and your therapist can release some of the emotions bouncing around surrounding that situation.

Hang in there.

[sujunew]

thanks guys for your advice. the 1 thing try very hard with zombiette is being a 'mother' round the girls. It is hard sometimes, but easier than it used to be. I hate them to see me 'under the weather' in any way, so keep all the 'darkness' away from them. Even more so since i separated from their dad (4 mths/a lifetime ago!!). I have to show them strength. I hope that after a major meeting tomorrow i will be able to talk to my nurse about this stuff- i just cannot afford for it to be out in the open with anyone here at the mo coz of CPS being involved with the family and the meeting tomorrow...

[drunksunflower]

Sweetie

I have seen you with one of your girls. You love them so much.

Please take care of you. If you need to pm or email or call me please please do.

xoxxoxoxo

[zombiette]

irish...it's great that u try to keep the 'darkness' away from your girls, u must be going thru a hard time with the separation so please take care of urself and i guess u must be having the meeting today so just sending good luck and hugs for that

[(JD)]

I think you are doing good self care. Stating that you have a good history of never wishing to end your life helps you to have a base to stand upon. Yes, I do think that added stress can add to the darker thinking... and perhaps your inconsistent psychotherapy has allowed for the depression to deepen as well?

Oh my you have had such a big change in your life! While I agree that you need to be concerned, and speaking to someone on a regular basis about the added problems and feelings you are encountering, I think along with that you can trust yourself to keep putting one foot in front of the other inspite of not being able to see "the end of the problems" yet.

Do each day by itself at a time. When any of look beyond our capabilities..into the future, we can become so discouraged! None of us can predict the future. By reading just here at PC we can see where lives totally change around in the course of one or a few days...often unexpectedly and for the better!

Using your children as a reason to keep going is a good one! They trust you for that, and I feel you can follow through. I also think that you have spoken the situation well... you don't want life to end, you want your life AS YOU NOW KNOW IT to end...to change for the better. Keep on keeping on, you can do this! You aren't alone... many of us have walked the same steps feeling the same way

[sujunew]

thanks for the perspectives. Had the stupid meeting- didn't go all my way, and had to walk out 4 a while 1/2 way thru thanks to ex (he made himself look really bad with everything that came out of his mouth...) but at least it's over for now. So now I can talk to my nurse about all this stuff (next week!!) and let her know where things are at. Thanks again for the replys.

[rainsummersby]

forgive my lack of formality... my 1st time on this kind of website and "chat" thing. I hate reading all that fine print stuff, I like to learn hands-on.

Anyways, is this kind of thing helpful or just whatever. I don't mean to annoy you, please don't respond if this bothersome and would appreciate your patience.

[Meta]

Please Irish, everyone here wishes to help you. I felt as you did when my daughter was two, and my depression was very high. I too wanted the pain to end and was not thinking about ending my life in any way. I drank alcohol which I was not at all used to, and then took a lot of my medication. This was all without thinking I wanted to end my life. While blacked out, fortunately I called my brother long distance and he called another brother long distance and the paramedics came through my back window. My daughter was upstairs sleeping and it was the middle of the afternoon. I woke up in ER with charcoal tube down to my stomach. I was completely oblivious to my intentions. MY therapist completely turned me around when she told me the greatest predictor that a child would commit suicide was a parent's suicide. Get a safety plan, go to the hospital to keep yourself safe if need be. Call someone.

Meta

[xrainstormx]

I know how you feel. Is really scary when your mind cahnges like that. I don't habe much advice to give but just try to be storng. It is a never ending battle and if things are bad now that can't get much worse. They can only get better from the bottum. Just hold on.* HUGS*

[sujunew]

Thanks to everyone for your replys... I finally talked to my nurse about how I was feeling yesterday. Got great support in her. Things have been better... until more bad news re. custody battle last night but hey... why should it all be plain sailing?! Again, thanks for the support.