[whenwillitend]

thta's how my life is. same carp over and over. never ends. never gets better.
don't have a therapist anymor either. she wants me to do the partial hospitalization program at one of the hospitals here, and until i'm done with that she won't see me. but i cna't do the php because a) i have no transportation, b) i have no money for gas, c) i don't have the $400 copay for the ten day program.

that's just the tip of the iceberg. so much going on. and noneof it is good.

i'm feeling completely numb right now. already dead. no emotions left. tired. don';t know why i keep trying. there's no point. i'm not allowed to be happy. i get punished for being happy.

[allimsaying]

Thats depression. It sucks. Dont let it lie to you.

[whenwillitend]

No, not depression, it's my life. My crappy life causes the depression. And it's always something else.

[allimsaying]

(((WWE)))) Depression is a cycle, it can cause us to have a crappy life and in turn, our crappy life causes more depression. Im sorry you're hurting.

Can I ask what you mean by "I get punished for being happy?"

[frownupsidedown]

Sometimes its hard to tell if things are really as bad as they seem when you have depression--it happens to me again and again. Depression limits your vision--I refer to it as looking through ****-covered sunglasses.....

[whenwillitend]

Originally Posted by kelly4519

Can I ask what you mean by "I get punished for being happy?"

everytime i get better, everytime i feel more normal again, content and happy, something bad happens. and not just little things, like breaking a nail. it's like an entire bucket of rocks gets dumped on me. until i'm back on the ground, back in the hole, miserable, depressed and suicidal. apparently that's where i'm meant to be. and i always know it's going to happen, because it happens every single time. never fails. i'm at the point where i'm scared of getting better, because i know that something awful will happen once i do.

its' a curse, and itnot only affects me, but also my family. to remove the curse and give them a chance for a better life i'm going to have to remove myself. theres no other way. i can't keep doing this to them. it's nto their fault, they didn't do anything worng. it'd be selfish of me to stick around and continue to ruin their lives.

[ajmich]

My depression is much like yours, at it's worst. I, too, keep getting kicked down. I, too, wonder why, what's the point, nothing ever changes. But like you, I have had periods of normal, content, even happy... for awhile.

For me it comes down to having to face up to decades of unresolved grief... have just reached that point in therapy where I have had to admit I've been fooling myself that I had it sorted out. There is a heap of deep sadness that I never have expressed in any healthy way. So that work has just begun and I don't want to do it, I'm afraid of it, but the alternative seems to be more of what you describe.

However I don't feel it is selfish for me to be alive -- as strongly as the disease wants me to believe such things (and it still hurts in that dull throbbing way), I know it is the disease and not ME. I can act as if I'm worth living, go through the motions, until the crap lifts a bit.

Your T seems to be pushing you with a tough love approach, and I get the feeling you know you should follow through with it, do the PHP, however you can. Your T very likely believes in you more than you do yourself, or would not have presented you with this ultimatum.

[whenwillitend]

i've only seen this t a couple of times. well, three, the third time she sent me to the hospital and then wouldn't see me anymore.
to be honest, i don't think sitting in groups all day is going to help me. i went for one day before i lost my car, i don't see how that;s going to maek a difference. but oh well.

i guess there is no t out there who is willing to work with me. i have trust issues, ti takes me a long time to be able to open up. most t's bail on me before i get to that point. the t before this one, same office, siad she'd never abandon me, especially not when i'm having a rough time, and that she's the one who takes the clients that nobody else would touch with a ten foot pole. well, two months later i was in the hospital, and when i got out she was suddenly too busuy for me and passed me off to this last t. i liked her, i thought she could really make a difference. but once again a t ran off on me. i don't know if i can trust her after this. i haven't even talked to her since she sent me to te hosptial.

i need a t i can trust. someone who has my back no matter waht. someone who won't bail on me when things get tough.

but i guess i'm a hopeless case. 14 years of therapy with countless t's, and it has gotten me nowhere. noone ever even tried to work on stuff, except for this last one.

i guess when all the t's give up on you, it's time to give up on yourself.

my periods of normal last for a week, at best. then i start feeling happy, and **** gets dumped on me again. it's not long enough to be wrth it.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((whenwillitend)))))))

[ajmich]

Have often felt hopeless myself, during over 40 years of this miserable disease. In my case the motivator for survival has been that I refuse to become a statistic like so many of my family and friends... six have done themselves in. I've had useless therapists too, and it's a damned shame since it feeds depression big time, and makes it all the harder to want to try to find another T. All I can offer is that you ARE worth it -- it's the disease telling you otherwise. Don't give up. Find a new T and tell them you HAVE to "work on stuff" because the previous T's did not go there.