trigger-my experience of depression

Hey guys. Sorry this is long post, but it is necessary for me and I hope at least one person can relate. This is the longest post I have ever written to date.

My feelings right now: depressed; severe anxiety and panic; terrible sense of foreboding; lonely; very upset; very angry; alone; frightened; ashamed; guilty; shattered; tired and abandoned. Probably more but my brain is foggy.

Urges for destructive behaviour have been very high - (that is for different forum though).

Also, feel so dependent on partner, he is at work right now, he works shifts, it's scary being so dependent. I can't even make a decision for myself. It's like I am a child.

Our relationship is a farce…he feels like a carer…he works, he cleans, he cooks etc.
I am so isolated here in this house, one day rolls into the next, anyone else feel that? I am afaid to step outside. Althogh, I did leave house 3 times in last couple weeks. I regret it.

I binge-eat a lot…it is disgusting. Yet, some days I might eat nothing at all. I did put on weight and do feel fat and hate myself, however, before this I was underweight. Can't really understand that because I was doing same disordered eating. My theory is it's meds related…because some meds were changed last time I was in Psych Unit. People say it in my head I'm fat- not meaning I have a fat head!!!

Have lot of mental health issues and am on a cocktail of meds for a very long time now. Since my teens. Did try tapering meds both with psych and also alone, disaster!

Main issues: major depression; BPD; self-harm; suicidal tendencies; anger issues; binge-eating; dependency and insomnia. Mood swings are awful, I cry at drop of a hat, next thing I could be in a rage. Crying is a daily thing though.

Anger scares me, I take it out on partner in a horrible emotional sense, shouting at him, berating him, I'm horrible to him. This makes me so guilty and ashamed. I wonder do I hate him? Then there is the anger that is self-directed. Punishment for being such a horrible person to him. yet my family and couple friends I do have left think I am kind, gentle and compassionate person. Just not to partner or myself eh.

Anyway, I am terrified I may have to go to the Psych Unit again. That is not something I want to do. I'm afraid to ask for help really. Both for my mental and physical problems.

In addition, I feel I am a child…I mean I seem very child-like, it's as if I have never grown up. I think I must be part of the 'Peter Pan Gang'. Does anyone else feel this way?
I have never had to fend for myself so to speak.

The friends I do have left all have careers, children and have their own lives to live. I don't see them very much. I have lost many friends because I isolate so much and then if I do have to socialise…I end up crying or doing something stupid. I had to attend 3 social events recently…so stressful, I cried each time and had bad experience after one.
I hate leaving the house. Thankfully I rarely have to. Partner does all the shopping etc. He resents me.

As for self-care, another poster mentioned showers…I won't expand on that any further.

I should also add, I have very bad back trouble and had emergency surgery about 7 months ago as disc ruptured and nearly resulted in me losing my bladder and bowel function if they didn't operate immediately. That was scary. I now have nerve damage down entire right leg. So extreme back and leg pain. I can walk and everything but it hurts, I just don't walk, even though I know I need to to aid my recovery. Ten minutes walking hurts but I don't do it often, therefore, I don't build up walking times. Sitting really hurts, so spend majority of time lying on my side, luckily I have a tablet because I certainly couldn't manage a laptop sideways!

Finally, I am in my 30s yet I feel like a child inside. Physically, I feel very old, although that might be stupid thing to say because I do not know how it feels to be old physically. I guess I just didn't expect all this physical stuff at this age. Was in minor car accident in 2004 also, so have had back trouble since my 20s. There is tonnes of other stuff, stuff I am unable to talk about. I feel I am drowning here. Existing not living. Sinking further into depression- if that's even possible.

Thanks for letting me vent and tell a bit of my story. I know the things I need to be doing to help myself, yet I don't do them. I wonder is this self- sabotage?

Hey BF,

You didn't mention a therapist, that would be helpful. You aren't able to recover from this depression by yourself, so you may need to go inpatient. I know you don't want to do it, but that may be the best alterative at this time. Please call someoe and keep posting.

Take gentle care,

Sabra

Thanks for sharing your story and I hope it helps to let it out. Depression can be pretty debilitating and it sounds like you have other stuff going on to make it worse. Have you thought about couples counseling? Maybe it will allow you to be able to communicate better with blowing up on him? Are you seeking treatment for your issues or have things overwhelme you completely?

I can releate to your depression, self-harm and probably BPD, but mostly I keep everything in so I don't have noticble mood swings. I often wonder if I sabotage myself as some form of self punishment. I know if I fail as something I have a reason to hate myself. I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes. I feel like I am trying to balance being somewhat normal and going into self destruct mode all the time. My spouse temper those tendencies. At the very least I am less self destructive now than before I met her. I get affraid she will get tired of dealing with me and move on. Maybe it is my own neurosis that makes me think that. Honestly I don't know how I could live without someone in my life. I hope things get better for you and you find a way to get your life in order.

Hello my friend, I do like you feel like a child when my husband has to do everything. There was days where he couldnt go to work because I wasn't able to look after my 3 children, its like a disability isint it and yes, I felt like the fourth child. Its hard on them too, and I take my frustrations out on my hubby. I don't realise how well you are coping with this. Depression is bad enough without the constant pain that you are in. Dont give up. Are you in therapy? Maybe that could be of help to you. Dont give up, we all feel helpless alone, like a freak in many ways. It's even theraputic typing it all out and reading over it. We are here for you, but, therapy could help if you are not already in it. All the best my friend. Stay safe.

Thank you to all that replied. Means a lot. Yep Adam I think couples counselling may be on the cards if we decide to give things a proper shot. It is very unhealthy at moment and not a proper relationship,if you know what I mean? Don't think we even like each other if I'm honest, but how could I cope without him? Does that mean I am using him? I guess it does. We over 16yrs together.

sabra thank you. Yes I have been in therapy, lots of! I didn't put it in post there because I had been on about it before and there bit in my bio about it too. Think I will delete that bio…too long. I guess if I want to live I will need to do something, so maybe try a different therapy could be a possibility.

It's just so difficult to know where to post when so many disorders/mental health issues.

Thanks again, really appreciate it and I am thinking of you all.

. Pierro hun I feel for you, I can't look after myself, how do you manage with children, it must be so hard. The sad part is and I didn't mention this but I love children but because of meds and my inability to cope well, I have put it off. Have tried to taper, partner…he wants children so badly. Is it too late for me? It has been something I have wanted but meds meant it was impossible. I would have to taper off completely. Hasn't worked in the past. I am 37…

I don't think you are using him, maybe taking him fir granted and being unfair, but there is hope to fix things. I was on the verge of moving and I decided to go to marriage counseling instead. I found it helpful. I just wish I had money to keep going to it. Now that my marriage is less rocky I need to focus on myself and getting my depression under control. I felt aweful the last couple weeks and I am losing strength to cope.

You cant be worrying about children yet. you must be stable first, look after yourself and then.... what will be will be. Women in their 40's are having babies every day. You have enough on your plate. Talk soon.

Hey guys, once again thanks for the replies, means a lot. Still feel like I'm drowning.