[kala83]

the last few days I just feel worthless and un loveable as a human being.

some of it is from partners just not giving me the time and attension I need from them. And a lot of comes down to that to some of them all I will ever be is a secondary or Tertiary.

I want and need to find an actual primary in my life i have this from my girlfriend but I don't have it from a guy.

and I keep getting told from people maybe I will ge this and maybe I won't and I am starting to just get sick of it.

my depression has been doing by far the worst that it ever has in quite a while. And some days I get why it does and sometimes I don't

worsely when its a comob of me having really horrible manic episodes as well as being followed almost immediatly by depression, when I am depressed I genuinly dislike myself and sometimes do wish harm on myself even though I have never gotten to that state.
as well as after the depression fades whats left of that feeds into my anxiety.

I am going to counciling and beging going into a DBT program. As well as I am on meds, and recently it does not feel like anything I am going is making a differnce like it used to do.

I am so upset....about this and I just don't feel as if I have any control I hate it!

[allimsaying]

Its very hate-able. If you can, believe in yourself, as hard as it may seem to be able to do. There is someone at your center who you are in touch with, but it is fading in and out with the depression and manic waves. Continue with treatment, continue reaching for that someone inside you. It is the real you, the one you know is in there, the one who keeps crying out for connection. You can find (him/her?) but it takes time.

[kala83]

me and my partners feel like the lithium I am on is contibuting to my disaray with things.

going to talk to my phytraist about going on a differnt form of mood stablizer.